Drumroll, Please

Ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls and those of you that have yet to decide...It's Inside Soap Awards! Woot! Back in my late not particularly lamented job this time of year was extremely exciting, mainly because it was an opportunity to see if all the hassle had paid off. Inside Soap is like a grubby younger sister to the British Soap Awards' mouthy older sister with all the bling. For one thing, you have to love an awards where you are reminded to read all the nominations before voting. Bless. Anyway, now that such malarkeys can be enjoyed in their camp splendour without the concerns of politics or personal interest (much), one spent a most happy hour or so with Evie agonising over our choices.

Below are mine and Evie's choices. In September, none of them will actually win. Proven pattern.

Best Actor - Not much fighting . Our vote went to David from Corrie. If someone can explain to me what Harold Bishop was even nominated for, I'd be grateful. His inclusion makes even less sense than Justin from Hollyoaks, who has done bugger-all except nancying around on ice for months.

Best Actress - Great deal of squabbling between Steph from Neighbours and Tanya from EastEnders. Tanya got it eventually, mostly because I loved the actress on No Angels, so I know she can act damn well, even if she has no reason to bother on EastEnders. I think Louise from Hollyoaks must have been nominated as some sort of ironic joke.

Best Couple - Agonies. Absolute agonies. Instinctive loyalty to Karl and Susan from Neighbours, but the sentimental vote went to Max and Steph from Hollyoaks, even though I actually hated them as a couple. Which is why public voting is such bollocks.

Best Young Actor - Tom from Hollyoaks. No arguments.

Funniest Performance - Er, went for Michaela from Hollyoaks in the end. Don't particularly find anyone in soapland intentionally hilarious. Ever.

Best Bad Boy - Continued with the David Platt love. Phil Mitchell isn't a bad boy, he's an irritating middle-aged yob. David is a psychopathic youngster. Them's the difference.

Best Bitch - Dithered for ages between Mercedes McQueen and Clare Cunnigham, before deciding on Mercedes. Clare's history, and anyway her final act was kidnapping Katy, which wasn't so much bitchy as a public service and worthy of a mention on the honours' list.

Best Newcomer - We skipped this one. No one of any interest. Kieron in Hollyoaks? Er, no. Also, why was Tony from Corrie there? I remember him in Casualty in the dim and distant recesses of my childhood memory. A newcomer he ain't.

Sexiest Female - As two straight girls, we didn't feel in a position to judge. I know when some women are attractive, but to be honest none of this harem were "knock-your-socks-off, -good-God-she'd-turn-me" sexy. A straight male colleague plumped for Louise from Hollyoaks, this was vetoed due to her stationary facial features, and we made an executive decision in favour of Libby from Neighbours, just coz.

Sexiest Male - This, if you like, is our area of expertise. No Max or OB? Well, whoever we picked would have to be the third sexiest male. Spirited discussion between Rhys from Hollyoaks (slightly fey bad boy charm), Carl from Emmerdale (businessman charm) and Phil from The Bill, er, sorry, Jack from EastEnders (just bad boy charm). In the end went for Phil/Jack/Whoever he is. Evie acted as if I was some kind of social parah for finding Carl attractive - which I do - but I think whoever nominated Dan from Corrie is more touched in the head. Dan?! Also confusing is Sean from EastEnders.

Best Storyline - God, the pain of choosing between David chucking Gail down the stairs on Corrie and Clare creating vehicular mayhem on Hollyoaks. In the end went for Clare, since it doesn't matter anyway as that shrew Bianca will scoop it for her return. Where was the OB exit? What with the tie-in with The Sound of Music it was an eyeball-bustingly amazing cross-promotional, multi-platform whatthefuckever.

Best-Dressed Soap Star - This was a real bobbydazzler, since there weren't even options. How do I know how well-dressed they are? I'm not THAT sad, for God's sake. Where's the multiple choice? Tempted to go for Max from Hollyoaks. Because God-damn it, it's not like he's been nominated for anything else.

Best Drama: The Bill. Neeeext!

Best Soap: This is where we fell out majorly. Evie, quite rightly, pointed out that Corrie is the best soap. It really is. She also pointed out that a vote not for Corrie makes it more likely EastEnders will win. Also really true. So why did I go for Hollyoaks? Sentimental, I guess.

We managed to resist the temptation to enter the draw for tickets to the awards. We don't want to spoil the illusion of glamour, do we?

Due to our combined distress over recent Chester-based events, and a standing irritation with Corrie's deserved if annoying "better than thou" attitude, this year things have rather focused on Hollyoaks and EastEnders, to the total detriment of Emmerdale. I kind of wish we'd gone for Carl now for sexiest male. Still, never mind. It killed an hour.