The Bill: "His name's Dmitry..we think he's Russian"

If it's Wednesday, Smithy must be having a gun pulled on him. Dale "Tragedy Magnet" Smith is on the case once more in search of emotional and professional disaster and heaven knows he's never disappointed on that quest.

Years of boundless dangers faced and disposed of harmlessly means that concerns for Smithy's long-term living status is not intense. For this reason, The Bill employed several strategies to hold interest, the most bizarre of these being the uncomfortably good surveillence (everyone in the station watching Smithy eating his tea) and Neil's previously AWOL heart not only putting in an appearance but growing twenty sizes a second, in direct ratio to Max proving himself to be ever more callow, cold and, in fact, much as Neil used to be back in the day. (When is Neil going to get a good storyline again? It's been years!) Should you still be bored by Smithy's ongoing will-he-won't-he-be-held-at-gunpoint-again-one-more-time, you can entertain yourself by wondering what the hell the DCI does all day. Best job on telly, no doubt about it. Saunter in, put in a couple of lines of dialogue with furrowed brow, saunter out again. He's the new Castillo!

Stevie, ill-advisedly throwing her cap at Smithy the Romantically Cursed One, does not know that with death she dices. He's hot, but by God he's dangerous for one's health. Unfortunately, they have the chemistry of water and oil. Smithy's expression after she kissed him was nothing short of horror. Besides, if he should be getting with anyone, get with Gina! For one thing, I believe she's they only one strong enough to fight off the hellhounds that hunt down anyone who so much as flirts with the poor guy. At least they had some scenes together this time around.

For Smithy's next trick, perhaps he could jump out of a plane without a parachute above shark-infested waters five hundred miles from the nearest landfall. He would still emerge a week later in Sun Hill with a photogenic temporary scar and a bundle of issues to project onto the next girlfriend.