Anthem for Doomed Youth: Hollyoaks

"Are you trying to come to terms with the loss of a loved one?" intoned the announcer at the end of Hollyoaks, before giving a number which would take away the pain. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am trying to come to terms with the loss of a loved one, but since it's the same loved one that the population of Hollyoaks is trying to come to terms with the loss of, I think I would get shortshrift.

Even for a soap, Hollyoaks exists in a state of near-hysteria on a regular basis. It seems to have finally, ultimately driven me to the same state. I can accept crying at Max's death. I grew up with him, I've known him since I was about fourteen, and have spent half an hour in his company every day for ten years. Then I cried on Monday after OB told Tom that the pain would never go away, and after Darren, Tony, Jack, Mandy and all the old school sat around with the silent impression that one of the group was most decidedly missing, which mirrored how I felt. Then I cried today when Tony left a bunch of flowers where Max died telling him he would make sure Tom would always know how much he loved him. I cried for Tony, people! I've hated him since day one! Christ alone knows what I will be like when the funeral rolls around, I am NOT going to be okay.

"The world doesn't revolve around the McQueens and your latest Jeremy Kyle scandal!" bawled Tony, to which I said "hear hear", this wholehearted agreement again a definite first in Hollyoaks history. I appreciate the theory: slicing in scenes of John Paul/priest (yawn) and Niall (yawn) and the fucking students (quadruple yawn), but in truth, this is MAX. Max is dead! I don't care about them! I don't care about Steph, really, either, because as she said to OB "I didn't really know [Max] at all." She didn't. She wasn't there for the old craziness when everyone was young! When Mr C was alive! When Max and OB were at school! When Tony was the annoying older guy! When Max had a crush on Mandy! When they went on holiday with Jambo and...Well, anyway, Steph was only there later so Max could have his faux happy ending, in much the same way Summer was for OB. And to be honest, while I am struggling with this, and while Mandy, Tony, Darren and most of all OB are in hell when I've known them forever, do you really expect me to care for the wretched damn students and their wacky hijinks, or the priest that came three minutes ago with the sole purpose to begin an affair with a teenage boy? Because, I don't. Maybe in a week, but not right now.

Of course, this cuts to the nub of the matter. Hollyoaks isn't for 24-year-olds who remember watching the first ever episode and being gobsmacked by the fact Natasha had a mobile phone. This is not the audience they are aiming for. I was 12 then, and it's 12-18-year-olds they want now, which is cool. Most people I know have stopped watching by now. And now Max is gone, and I dare say OB will be gone again soon enough (please, to the gods of Hollyoaks, let him take Tom with him. Tom can't lose OB too, I'll weep yet AGAIN), maybe it's time to say goodbye too. It is, I think, a great sign of the times that a colleague and I spent an hour of a meeting today discussing the comparable merits of Hollyoaks and One Tree Hill. Fond as I am of One Tree Hill, Hollyoaks will hold the dearest place in my heart forever. I grew up with it, and now I've grown out of it.