The WHAT Ships?: Hornblower - The Examination for Lieutenant

I am reliably informed that in the United States, this episode is called "The Fire Ships". Which is admittedly a much better title and fits the series by way of being both bombastic and utterly nonsensical. However the British title, though mundane, has clarity on its side. If it's fire ships you are after, prepare yourself for disappointment - there's only two, and you barely see one. If it's stressing about examinations you want, you are in the right place.

We are off Cadiz. We don't like the Spanish much. Clear? Good, then. We kick off with a Spanish captain turning up on the Indie. To Pellew's annoyance, Horatio doesn't speak Spanish, but fortunately he speaks French. Clearly, Pellew doesn't speak either, so, shut up Pellew. Turns out, the Spanish have made peace with France. Pellew gets more and more confused, but it transpires that they have 6 hours before the Spanish starts firing. This sends Pellew literally speechless with anger, so Horatio makes shit up to the Spanish captain that Pellew might want to say. "Get him over the side," Pellew growls, as his contribution to international diplomacy.

Meanwhile, Denis Lawson, in crazed mode which he does so fabulously (love you, Denis! Esther should've chosen you!) assumes command of a supply ship that he was a passenger on, and decides to take on a Spanish frigate rather than run away from it. They sink. Nice one, Denis. The rest of the crew are, understandably, fucked off. Denis stabs one of them. Morale is not improved.

The Indie comes across ol'Denis. Pellew, looking through the eyeglass, gloats "goodness gracious." No one can handle sarcasm, or an eyeglass, like Pellew. Denis is Captain Foster. "Dreadnaught Foster?" Horatio goggles like a fanboy. Pellew doesn't care for overblown titles. That's just coz he doesn't hear what I call him. Pellew the Magnificent. Anyway, Pellew greets Denis on a deck flooded with beautiful summer evening sunlight. Robert Lindsay is channelling his inner Bill Nighy as he twitches and stutters all over the place through irritation. He offers Denis some old clothes and invites him to dinner. This takes about twenty minutes.

Mr Bracegirdle tells Horatio that Pellew thinks Denis is reckless. Horatio thinks he's a legend. Oo-er. At dinner, Denis explains he was on his way to Gibralter when he decided to take on the Spanish. He's chuffed that the cargo didn't get to Spain. Horatio gazes at him adoringly. Pellew asks how many crew died. Denis says he didn't have time for "arithmatic." Horatio smiles, Pellew sees and I've said it once and I'll say it again: Oo-ER. Denis asks if Pellew would have surrendered, Pellew dodges the question, so he asks Horatio. Horatio, entirely failing to spot the flashing neon DANGER!DANGER! sign above the table, says he's glad the Spanish didn't get the cargo. Pellew looks genuinely shocked for a second. Horatio sees it, and suddenly looks terribly guilty. Pellew excuses himself, Horatio watches him go, troubled. I have to say both Ioan Gruffudd and Robert Lindsay were awesome in that scene - the Horatio/Pellew relationship is the heart and soul of this show. And Denis was enjoying his ham, too.

The relative subtlety of the dinner scene gives way to the more regular histrionic style, as we go to the deck, where Horatio and Pellew share an All My Children moment as Pellew walks away, and Horatio apologises for any offence. Horatio talks to Pellew's back, looking small, and Pellew's voice breaks. Isn't it hard when your children grow up?

Even as he's disembarking at Gibralter, Denis is causing a ruckus by telling Horatio he should enter for the Lieutenant exam, even though that's Pellew's decision. Pellew all but drags him off the ship. Mr Bracegirdle, noticing the competition for paternal love triangle developing, informs Horatio to watch out for the "great" Denis. "Such greatness always has its price." In this case, sanity. And did Bracegirdle just call Pellew average?

In the saddest scene in the film, Pellew shoves Horatio in for the Lieutenant's exam. Clearly he didn't really think him ready, he's only doing it to keep his admiration, and he advises him to study in all his spare time. Horatio instantly becomes a brat with his men, because he just wants to study. Pellew comes across him, as Horatio moans he was just trying to find somewhere quiet to study. Pellew, amazingly, seems to think this was a fuck off to him, and Horatio begs him to stay. Completely bizarre. Because of Denis' stupid attack, they have to half rations. Pellew shoots him a "Ya SEE?" look that Horatio fully appreciates, and moseys off, his work done. Pellew the Magnificently Passive Aggressive, I think. Horatio looks rueful.

The men grumble about the half rations, as you would. Horatio gets brattish again because he wants to study rather than listen to them sing, which doesn't improve the men's moods. They sing even louder. Can't blame em. Bracegirdle advises Horatio to buck up his ideas about being a lieutenant: it's either the singing or weeping. In other words: cram it, boy.

The half rations take their toll. Finch, one of Horatio's men, coughs, which is usually an omen of death in period dramas. Another Surly Sailor casts mutinous glances around the ship. Dearie me. Finch tumbles off the rigging. "Is he all right?" wonders Horatio. Likely NOT. Horatio bitches to Bracegirdle that they shouldn't be sitting around doing nothing: "we should be out tehre following Denis' example!" I can only think Horatio is on drugs, and Bracegirdle thinks so too and boots him out of the room. Horatio looks unrepentent. What a dick.

He goes to annoy Finch in the sickbay. "You'll make it through," lies Horatio. Matthews advises to keep Finch awake ("I don't know that he'll make it," he says, proving conclusively that he's a thousand times smarter than Horatio). Horatio, thinking that Finch isn't suffering enough, makes him test him for his lietenatcy exam. ASSHOLE! "Come on man! Clear your mind! Ask me a question!" he shouts. Horatio, I hate you right now. Finch says he doesn't need a book to test him, hilariously. Get the burns in, even on your deathbed. Quite right.

On deck, a supply ship has been spotted. Even the Surly Sailor is happy. Poor ailing Finch is teaching Horatio to tie knots. When Horatio bounds off to see the supply ship, Finch takes his opportunity and dies as the Surly Sailor looks on. Meanwhile, Pellew and Bracegirdle watch as a Spanish fire ship (an empty ship on fire) explodes the supply ship. Pellew closes his eyes in disbelief. My heart, it aches for you. The cheering stops abruptly.

In the officers mess, they complain that the Spanish are too good at the English fire ship tactic. Horatio, feeling he hasn't been nearly sanctimonious enough this episode, wordlessly takes a lump of bread, whereupon he both talks to and tries to feed a decidedly dead Finch, as the Surly Sailor weeps and looks surly simultaneously. They auction Finch's stuff for his widow, the Surly Sailor offers a week's pay and then throws them overboard. Matthews expalins that Finch helped the Surly Sailor settle down when he first joined, which is why he's upset. "I see," says Horatio, "it's a bit like me and Archie, then, except I'm not in the least bothered that I think he's dead. But when he turns up again, I promise I'll make up for it."

Pellew annoucnes they're off to Iran, and are going to have a Taplow onboard, from the Diplomatic Service. Tapping looks like a Punch cartoon character, and is as annoying. Meanwhile, the Surly Sailor tells Matthews that the officers have full stores and are taking food from the men. Horatio tries to snap him into shape, and wears horrible eyeshadow. "There is no excuse for mutinous talk," says Horatio, "until I talk it in a couple of years." The talking to has no effect, because Surly goes on to steal from stores. Horatio finds him there crying. "I'm hungry," he sobs. Aren't they all?

Surly rapidly loses his appetite as Pellew roars at him. Robert Lindsay can operate at decibals I didn't know humans could reach. Pellew says Surly must run the gauntlet. Horatio gallently and stupidly tries to take the blame - I really hate Horatio in this episode. So does Pellew, I think, because he orders Horatio to lead him through. It must be noted that while the crew starve, Robert Lindsay must have been jealous of Denis before, because he just treated himself to some lovely ham. Horatio looks like he didn't quite expect that. HAH!

The gauntlet really doesn't look nearly as bad as flogging, but Horatio looks revolted anyway, and Surly bleeds but generally takes it reasonably well. Pellew promises the next thief will hang. Horatio takes to his bunk and sulks.

Next day, Horatio takes a boat ashore to get supplies from some alleged Moors, who could not be more Cacuasian. Anyway, Surly has stowed away to desert, to Horatio's irritation. Horatio wears a fetching straw hat for the occasion. Horatio and Taplow watch as a rat, shortly followed by a human, drops dead. This is the lamest shorthand for "plague" I have ever seen. They trade (including getting live cows), despite the sneezing and groaning issuing from the supposed Moors. "What's happening here?" asks Horatio, as three different Moors collapse in front of him. Luckily, Taplow isn't as daft. "Black death." D'OH! Horatio and co retreat to boat, presumably feeling as stupid as they are.

Taplow explains that they aren't allowed back on ship for 3 weeks. "Have you seen 9 out of 10 men die of putrid fevers?" He has. Horatio, troubled, sails back to close to the Indie and shouts for the Captain. He explains. "They're already dead," murmurs Bowles. Pellew shouts him down, then politely asks Horatio to keep his boat leeward. Heh. Pellew's in quite a state, which is adorable. He pretends his worried for the supplies. Bowles says they'll all be dead in a week, which proves that Bowles knows shit about Horatio. Pellew says they and the supplies can stay on the Caroline until their quarantine is up. Horatio, making up for the last hour of annoyance with a moment of absolute sweetness, asks for his books to study. Pellew's voice breaks as he says "I hope...I hope you find time to study them." In other words, I hope I'm wrong and I see you again because frankly, I think you're fucked. They touch their hats and Pellew walks away.

As they try and sort out the cows and so on, one of the men calls Horatio "captain" and a brief smile crosses his face. Aw. He thanks all the men for their efforts, even Surly, although Surly is later put in chains. Horatio lets him out, saying he'll speak for him at his trial. "Each of us can find a maggot in our past that can easily devour our futures," he says, almost making sense.

Rousing music tells us that Horatio and his crew of the damned are having a jolly fine time as they sail spectacularly out to sea. Horatio, meanwhile, sits in his cabin and in the time-honoured tradition of revisers, stares at his desk. They are still making for Gibratler. Horatio orders a bullock to be slaughtered. In celebration of the imminent feast, he briefly becomes Welsh. Meanwhile, on the Indie, Pellew is eating maggot-ridden bread. His face says, the Black Death would be better than this.

Horatio stares at his desk some more. Taplow interrupts to say that the first crewman has got the plague. Turns out, he's just drunk. This is such an exciting show! Horatio stares at his desk - again. This time it's the cows that disturb him. There's still a week of the quarantine left, but only 3 days water. They go ashore to find water, only to have quick scuffle with the Spanish during which Surly runs off again. Horatio shoots him. Naturally, Horatio is the victim here.

They get back to the boat, to find Denis and the Dreadnaught stealing their cows. Horatio is so mad he starts firing warning shots. Denis is totally unrepentent, and says he'll take them by force if necessary. Horatio is all, dude, if you kill the Navy it's totally your fault. Denis looks slightly chagrined, ,but still takes the cows. All in all, not a great day for Horatio.

Taplow takes over Pellew's job of telling Horatio he's awesome, but Horatio thinks Pellew would have found a way to save Surly. I really, really don't think he would have. "I fear I must question my readiness for command," he says. I don't see why he must based on that particular experience, but any kind of humility from Horatio is so damn welcome, that I don't care.


All the Indie cheer as they approach, free from plague. Pellew's so happy he even smiles. In the cabin, Pellew comforts Horatio saying Surly chose to cut himself adrift. He says they lived because of him. Pellew, still in Bill Nighy mode, says the examination is the next day. He tells Horatio the fresh beef was a waste and bitches at him, Horatio kind of grins. "Good to have you back on board," says Pellew. Aw.

Horatio can't find a shirt for his exam, Bracegirdle helps. The exam is painful, Horatio totally flunks (not least because Denis is on the board), but halfway through - bang! There's a general alarm. Denis looks through an eyeglass but it's Horatio who spots it - a fireship. The three captains and Horatio leap into a rowing boat to get back to their ships. They're sweetly concerned. Horatio realises it's heading for the Indie. Horatio and Denis decide to get on board to steer her away from the Indie. The other two captains think they're insane. For the record, I agree.

Much bravery occurs with the steering away amidst fire that I really can't be bothered to watch at this point so I make some toast and marmite. Long story short, Horatio saves Denis' life, as well as the Indie. In the rowboat, the captains argue like leeetle girls. Back on the Indie, Pellew thanks Horatio. "My men owe you their lives, and I owe you my ship," he says. Yep, pretty much. Still failed your exam, thought, didntja? Pellew gets snotty about it, but says Horatio has tasted command and will be better prepared next time. "It has been an honour to serve with you," says Pellew. "And with you," says Horatio, as near tears as we have ever seen him.

We leave Horatio hugging a rope on deck, looking smug. "I'm just thinking of the distances we travel," he says. "Yet how far we still have to sail as men."

I'm just thinking of how utterly unbearable you would be to know, yet how I am going to watch the rest of the series anyway. Horatio definately needs a friend-figure to alleviate the general aura of perfection that wafts around him.