Daddy's Blunt Little Instrument: Supernatural - Dream a Little Dream

Previously on Supernatural: Dean and Sam had bad stuff happen to them. Constantly. Without end. Frankly, hell is going to be a letdown for Dean.

Tonight's fun and games begin with Bobby asleep in a hotel bed. Quite a chintzy and decidedly atypical-for-Supernatural hotel room. Well, he's not so much asleep as in a coma, but whatever. Meanwhile, we see flashbacks of him in a violent and extremely loud fight with a woman. Back in the hotel, the chambermaid frantically shakes him and shouts desperately at him to wake up. When I worked in a hotel, my friend walked in on a dead guy, took one look and ran straight out again, screaming blue murder and scaring us all half to death. Point is, I think that's a more likely reaction.

Crappy new credits. Meh. Sam's getting drunk in a bar which bears a resemblence to Ellen's roadhouse, but isn't, God damn it. Anyway, Sam informs Dean that he's getting drunk at 2 in the afternoon and picking up girls, although Dean points out a) Sam doesn't drink whiskey b) there aren't any girls. Sam, deciding that any time is a good time to throw Dean's impending doom into the conversation, bleats: "I tried. I tried to save you." Dean looks sad and sits down. Yeah. Poor wickle Sammy. Oh, wait. He's the one that isn't facing hellfire, isn't he? Dean orders whiskey and tells Sam he's drunk, as Sam declares he's "beginning to think no one can save you." Like, NICE one little brother. God! Dean accepts that this is true, rather than ramming his fist down Sam's throat. Sam, looking victimised and bitchy, says "you don't want to be saved. How can you care so little about yourself? What's wrong with you?" Dean finally looks fucked off by this last bit, and Dean, HIT HIM NOW. Except he doesn't, because his phone rings.

Dean and Sam stand by Bobby's bedside looking annoyed that this scene isn't about their personal pain. The doctor says he's "perfectly healthy" apart from the coma thing. "We don't know what's causing it, so we don't know how to treat it. He's just going to sleep, and then wake up." Sounds exactly like NHS Direct advice to me.

At Bobby's unlikely hotel room, Sam's wondering what he's doing in Pittsburgh apart from having "a really lame vacation." Uh - cheap shot, guys. But, okay. Dean's staggered there isn't even "a pizza box or beer can" in the room, much less signs of research. Except it's in the cupboard. Dean's impressed by this, I just can't work out why the boys aren't as careful. Also, Dean? There's such a thing as a wastepaper basket. They find an obit of a neurosurgeon who had what Bobby had. Sam sticks around to examine the research, Dean heads off to find out more about Doctor Death.

The Doc's lab assistant chinwags to Detective Dean, and sends him packing. Dean threatens to make it "official", and the assistant spills about the doc's sleep experiments. She gives him the research, and he motors off to find one of the participants, a spacedout young man. Said young man can't dream. The doc gives him yellow tea, which makes him have a "super intense" dream. He dropped out. "It kind of scared me."

Back in the hospital room, Sam introduces Dean to dreamroot, an African thing that you eat, along with someone's DNA, and then "if you believe the legends, it's used for dreamwalking, entering someone else's dreams, messing about in their heads..." Dean: "I take it we believe the legends?" Sam: "When don't we?" When it's angels and unicorns, I think you'll find. With enough of it, you become "a regular Freddy Krueger," able to kill people in their dreams. Sounds awesome. Is it available on eBay? Poor Bobby's having a humdinger of a nightmare being chased by this crazy woman, as they wonder about suspects. As Sam laments their inability to talk to Bobby about their problems, Dean decides to do just that, via "tripping on some dreamroot." Sam bitches that they don't know what's in there, and they don't have any dreamroot. But hey, Bela will have it. Oh goody, goody gumdrops. Bela.

In Bobby's Unlikely Hotel Room, Bela turns up to Sam's non-delight. She's wearing a mac, and says she turned up for Sam. She reveals a negligee beneath said mac and gives Sam a smacker. Is this's Sam's nightmare, Bela's, or mine? They go to it. This is definately my nightmare. But it's Sam's dream, as Dean wakes him up. Ew, please no love interest. "You were making some serious happy noises." He asks who Sam was dreaming about. "Angelina Jolie? Brad Pitt?" Heh. Anyway, Dean says Bela won't help them. Yay!

Boo! Bela shows, and Sam's brilliantly sheepish. Hee. She says she's doing it for Bobby . "I screwed up and he saved me, okay?" She demands. She then invites herself along for the trip, Dean says no, Bela leaves. "Nice s-s-seeing you," stammers Sam. Okay, Sam's making up for a bad start. Dean cottons on, and looks freaked. I don't like her, Dean, but even I'll admit she's hot.
Dean and Sam brew up African dreamroot and Bobby's hair. Nice. Or not, judging by their expressions. Sam: "when did it start raining?" Dean: "when did it start raining upwards?" isn't that from somewhere? Anyway, they end up in Bobby's house, only tidier. Man, I dream of a tidy house, too. Sam goes outside to look for Bobby. The door slams shut behind him and he's now cut off from Dean. Have these guys ever SEEN an episode of Supernatural before? Or The X-Files? Dean can't hear Sam's yells inside. He finally comes across a very freaked Bobby. Bobby knows nothing about dreamroot, Dean explains it's all a dream. But a very real, yet very ghostly, blood splattered woman is approaching: "it's my wife," explains Bobby.

She's pissed off because Bobby repeatedly stabbed her to death. Like, fair play, really. "How could you?" She asks. Quite simple: "You were possessed baby, you were rabid." Niice. Anyway, Bobby explains he didn't know what to do then. "If you'd loved me, you would have found a way!" she screams. Man. What a guilt trip.

Meanwhile, Sam is outside, in an Ariel commercial, or at least so it appears from the floating white linen on the washing line. This sylvian mood is abruptly broken by Dreamless Young Man taking a baseball bat to him. I have to say, Sam kind of deserves it. Dreamless Young Man insists that Bobby was hunting him down. Sam believes this may be to do with Dreamless Young Man's homicidal tendencies. Dreamless Young Man is unfazed. "Here you're an insect. I'm a god," he says. Sam's all, whatever - have you SEEN my face?

Back in the house, Mrs Bobby is doing a Jack Nicholson-Shining style on the door, behind which Dean is proclaiming to Bobby that "your house, your wife, is a nightmare!" No one spares feelings in this episode. Dean keeps on with the episode recap, but Bobby's still mooning over the murdered wife thing, and tells Dean to leave him alone so he can be murdered too. Or something. Jesus, this show is a bundle of fun. Dean grabs hold of him, voice breaking, "I'm not going to let you die! You're like a father to me!" Dude. Issues! "I'm dreaming?" enquires Bobby. Me and Dean: "YES!"

The wife stops screaming. As Dean and Bobby stick their noses out, and she's gone. Bobby can't believe it. Dean's all, would you wake up? Outside, Dreamless Young Man goes to hit Sam again. Sam, Dean and Bobby wake up. The end. Or not.

In the hospital, Dean begins fishing for the deal with Bobby's wife. Jensen Ackles looks really, really pale in this episode. I know everyone always looks washed out on this show, but seriously. Boy needs to eat his vegetables. "Everybody gets into hunting somehow," sighs Bobby. Did it have to be in the same way as John, though? How about variety? Bobby thanks Dean for saving him.

Sam appears, and says Deamless Young Man's skipped off. Turns out Dreamless Young Man is a genius, whose father used to beat him with a baseball bat. He died when DYM was a kid. Is anyone else reminded of that Buffy episode where everyone has to live their nightmares because a kid was beaten to a coma by his baseball coach? Just wondering.

Anyway, DYM got Bobby's DNA - and therefore into his head- because he offered him a drink and Bobby accepted. "Dumbest thing," sighs Bobby. Dean: "Not that dumb." Sam: "Dean, you didn't!" Me: "I didn't even mention that Dean drank with DYM in their first scene together, because I am as stupid as Dean." "That's great!" snaps Sam, "Now he can come after either one of you!" God, Sam, sorry if that's an inconvenience for you.

They decide they have to hunt him down, and can't sleep until they do. Two days later, Dean's getting mad. Sam wonders if he should be driving. Really, cram it, tragedy magnet. Bobby rings to check in, the last lead (a strip club) has been exhausted. Dean: "Goddamn it Bobby!" Bobby, drawling: "Don't yell at me, boy! I'm working my ass off here." Hah! Dean apologises. Bela is with Bobby, she doesn't have anything. "I'm just going to blow my brains out now!" bitches Dean, and hangs up. Brat.

Bobby asks Bela why she's helping him. Bela reminds him of Flagstaff. What the fuck ever.

Dean pulls the Impala up in one of those quintessential dark, treelined roads once frequented by Mulder and Scully, now the natural habitat of the Winchester brothers. Is there just the one just outside of Vancouver? Dean decides to take a nap and take on DYM in his head. Sam snatches some of his hair. Dean objects to Sam entering his head. I wouldn't like it, and I don't have half the shit that Dean has. I think Jensen Ackles probably had a cold - he's still pale here, but his nose is redder. Anyway, they go to sleep.

And wake up in the Impala. They take a wander in the woods, where a creepy version of "Dream A Little Dream" is playing. They come across that girl who Dean thought he may have knocked up 9 years ago to produce proto-Dean. She greets him, in that glassy-eyed way the unreal have on TV, and reminds him about proto-Dean's football practice while laying out a picnic. "I've never had this dream before," Dean completely unconvincingly tells Sam. I begin to sniffle. Sam begins to walk towards him, probably as moved as I am. "Stop looking at me like that," says Dean, without looking at him. "Sorry," says Sam sincerely. I sniffle some more. Whatever you say against those two, they do make very good brothers.

"Dean." Says the girl, "I love you." She says it in this completely vacant way, like Dean has never heard a girl say it to him before. Dean's heart breaks in two, and though you can't see his face, Sam's does too. Anyway, the girl vanishes. That's how we do romance on Supernatural, kids! They see DYM lurking in the woods, and chase him, but get seperated. Oh, boys.

Dean's suddenly in a house. He finds...another Dean! Woohoo! And this one isn't homicidal! I love that the show keeps replicating Dean in a Battlestar-Galactica-stylee manner. Anyway DeanTwo has got a face on. This scene forcefully reminded me of Dark Angel, it's something about the lighting, camera angles and Jensen Ackles evil face. The conversation between the Deans takes place entirely in head shots, which is jarring and quite a strain on the Ackles' acting, but he shapes up okay.

"Aren't you a handsome son of a gun," observes DeanTwo. Like, yeah. Why do you think I watch this? "I get it. I'm my own worst nightmare," self-pities RealDean. He blathers something about Superman 3, of which, I'm relieved to say, I am completely ignorant. "Talk all you want, smartass," says DeanTwo. "I know how dead you are inside." Good heavens. We ALL know that. Sam "All About Me" Winchester even knows that. "How worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror and hate what you see." He's the only one. "You're not real," says RealDean. DeanTwo's like, sure I am. I'm like, WHATEVER. RealDean tries snapping his fingers to make DeanTwo go, but "I'm not going anywhere." Okay, really, we know Dean is full of self-loathing. Is this really necessary? DeanTwo produces a gun.

Here's where I'm confused. Sam wakes up in the Impala, but it's DYM next to him, not Dean. DYM whacks Sam again. I applaud the sentiment, so will carry on despite my confuzzlement. "You're a psycho!" Sam correctly identifies. DYM explains the doc got him hooked on the root, and took it away. "Do you know what it's like not to dream?" asks DYM and funnily enough, I do, because I have never in all my life remembered any dream whatsoever. So I have little sympathy for going bonkers over it, sorry, DYM. I'm perfectly sane. I think. I certianly don't take baseball bats to people on a regular basis. DYM just wants to be left alone to dream, and manages pins Sam to the ground with honking great camping pegs while standing above him with a bat. Damn it, Demon Prince, what the fuck?! DYM explains he's getting stronger, but the Winchesters aren't going to wake up. Kid, they live a nightmare anyway. It's really not going to make much difference.

Elsewhere, DeanTwo is blathering on about RealDean not being bothered about dying. "It's not really a life worth saving, is it?" ponders DeanTwo. Is DeanTwo a fanfic writer? He's lust for torturing Dean certainly suggests he may be. "You've got nothing outside of Sam. You are nothing. You are as mindless and obedient as an attack dog." But here's the killer. RealDean juts out his jaw and assumes an agonising, almost maternal, upbeat: "That's not true." It's exactly the tone a mother uses to a pained child, except Dean's using it to himself. Tears in my eyes, and no joke. Seriously, nice one, Jensen Ackles. "Your car, that's dad's. Your favourite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought?" Ouch ouch ouch. Dean's issues just stopped being a subject of mockery for me, right there. RealDean is actually rendered speechless and tries to laugh it off, but can't make a sound. Dean! Dude!

DeanTwo says all that's left his John's voice telling him to look after Sam. He says that all John did was train up Dean, but Sam he loved. RealDean's struggling here. "Dad knew who you were," mused DeanTwo, "a good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care if you lived or died. Why should you?" RealDean finally snaps and throws him to a wall.

Just a break to say that that last line really didn't work for me. Didn't the whole going to hell thing sort out that John did care whether Dean died?

"My father was an obsessed bastard!" Smack! "All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam! That was his crap! He was the one who couldn't protect his family!" Thump! "He was the one who let Mom die! Who wasn't there for Sam...I don't deserve what he put on me! And I don't deserve to go to hell!" Bang! Dean's shot his other self. Thank God.

Sam's still being beaten by the baseball stick. I think it isn't DeanTwo whose the fanfic writer, I think it's the scriptwriter.

As RealDean examines DeanTwo, DeanTwo suddenly snaps forward with the black demon eyes. It's actually quite shocking. "This is what you'll become!" he yells. Nooo!

Sam and DYM are confusing me by both being in each other's head at once. Or maybe it's that Sam's in Dean's head, and so is DYM, but Sam is also in DYM's head? Whatever. Sam conjures up DYM's baseball wielding father. Amusingly, for a second I thought it was John Winchester. Bad fathers all look alike to me. Sam beats up DYM, Dean beats up DemonDean; both awake in the Impala. Jensen Ackles really looks dog rough. Poor guy.

Back in the hotel, Bobby wonders if Sam managed to conjure up the dad by his psychic abilities. Sam doesn't think so. I don't care particularly. Bobby dismisses the thing in Flagstaff with Bela as nothing. Interesting. Dean's looking for Bela, and Bobby advises checking their pockets. "Not literally," he growls in despair as they do just that. The boys instead check thier safe, to find that their beloved Colt has gone. I love how they carefully articulate "Colt" to prevent mishearings. "We're going to hunt the bitch down!" announces Dean. Must you? Couldn't you go and find Ruby and steal her dagger instead? It works much better than the Colt, and Ruby seems to actually have some narrative point.

In the car, Dean wonders what Sam saw in Dean's head. Nothing. Sam asks what Dean saw. "Nothing," lies Dean. And then we go into an exchange which sums up why I adore this programme. The tone is completely casual throughout, understated, offhand:
Dean: I've been doing some thinking and...the thing is, I don't want to die. I don't want to go to hell.
Sam: All right, yeah. We'll find a way to save you.
Dean: Okay, good.

I love this show.

We end with a quick flash of DemonDean and RealDean clicking his fingers with a sexy smile. I'm wondering if DemonDean may become a fixture. After all, if Ruby can retain some humanity, why not Dean? It'd be like Randall and Hopkirk Deceased, only cool.

Nice one, Supernatural. I liked.

Babysitting-Induced Stockholm Syndrome

The nightmare has come true. I just sang along with Hilary Duff. The niece is round, so Hilary is a vast improvement on Miley Freakshow Cyrus, who I actually hate far more than I ought, given I don't know her. Of course, Hilary is not quite as good as High School Musical, largely due to the absence of the laugh-a-minute that is Zac Efron. Watching Mr Efron valiantly attempt to act, sing and dance when it is painfully clear none of the above come naturally to him, combined with making a bash at appearing sexy (in the wholesome Disney way) is simply one of the most entertaining things committed to film in the last century or so. Excellent. My older brother, the niece's father, lumps Efron with the vile Cyrus, a gross offence to Zac. "They're both awful," he says, which is true, but Cyrus is just a nasty little piece of work whereas Zac seems okay, or at least not driven by a mad desire to be the most popular kid in the schoolyard, which seems to be Miley's weird ambition. Also, no one who unironically wears that haircut can be all bad.

This isn't right. I appear to be gradually accepting the next generation's tripe. I haven't even reconciled myself to MY generation's tripe yet.

Please Don't Go: Characters I Love

I knew the stress was getting to me today by the fact I was nearly moved to tears by Hollyoaks. I love Hollyoaks, and won't hear a thing against it, delightfully naff and wilfully histrionic as it is. I mean, I would hate to know most of them, but they're kind of entertaining to watch. But the fact is, now the lovely OB is going, I feel like I'm left in a room with a bunch of shouty idiots. OB, I beg of you, come back to me.

There a few characters on television which I am ashamed to say I actually truly love - or rather, I love them as you can only love a fictional being. Perhaps the closest comparision in real life is the unconditional adoration you can offer a pet. Personally, I have never been particularly moved by pets - given that my childhood ones were exclusively hamsters - but I absolutely believe my sister loves her dog more than she loves us, and my mother still gets misty-eyed over her dog, who died before any of us were born, and I think, before she was even married. A good thirty years ago, anyway.

So, yes, I love OB. I do. And the thought of him leaving actually grieves my heart, because to all intents and purposes, OB is now dead and this is terrible. I think it is even worse because the real nub of the matter is that the OB/Max/Tom dynamic was the best and possibly the only reason to watch Hollyoaks, as it leant the show a beating heart, true affection and I could gush about them all day, but I won't. Anyway, that little oasis of genuine emotion (not always positive emotion, given the recent Clare debacle and the Simon thing, but always genuine) is well and truly dried up now. The writers have tried to destroy it with every storyline going, but this is the final straw. Especially now Max is with the awful Steph, who, it turns out, was only amusing when paired with the equally awful Darren - together their downright malevolence was fantastic, but with the sweetness and light that is the Cunningham/O'Brien setup it just seems jaded and unpleasant. Oh, God, OB, don't go.

I feel a golden age has closed on Hollyoaks, taking with it all memories of the once-glorious nonsense and leaving behind a slough of despond. Perhaps this is because I grew up with along with OB, so naturally his youthful hijinks are inextricably tied up with memories of the halcyon, timeless days of my own youth...which I clearly spent watching TV. Well, anyway, times change I suppose. Max, for one, is still busking on a time long, long ago when I distinctly recollect I loved him, though I have no idea why that would be the case now. When Summer persuaded OB to leave Hollyoaks, she painted it as a dreary, desolate graveyard of hopes and dreams where everyone are underachievers and unhappy. And you know what? It's true. I remember when the show began, I wanted to move to Hollyoaks. Now, even watching it on TV is a little too close sometimes.

So, off OB trots into a future that likely includes oblivion or, alternatively, The Bill, taking with him the happy memories of the good old days of the feud with Jambo, the time Max, OB et al went potholing and half of them died, the time OB's girlfriend died, the time Max's girlfriend died, the time Max's dad died, the time Max's sister died, the time Max's niece died...adieu. You have been a good friend to Max, Tom and I. I'll miss you greatly. They'll probably forget you in two weeks, though. If OB is never mentioned again by either of them, consider yourself On Notice, Hollyoaks.

So who else do I feel such affinity for? Well, Gina and Smithy on The Bill, unquestionably. The cast of The Bill aren't quite the unremitting bores that the cast of Hollyoaks, in general, are, but they are all samey these days: young, attractive, inoffensive to eye, ear or sensibilities. Tony is looking more and more out of place, where once he was perfectly at home amongst the Junes and Jims of the world. With Reg now on the way out too, Roger is basically the only other old guard left: even though he's a recent addition he would have fitted in nicely in what I presume ITV would call The Old Bill, as though there's something wrong with that. When I was 12 and up I freaking loved The Old Bill.

I still watch The New Bill, but there's only so much of the Tiffanys and Ambers and Honeys and Kezias I can take. I know half of those have left, but I can't remember the new ones' names. (I really am not senile, by the way, I just don't care. I'm a bit like that with ER too. I know they'll be leaving in a couple of months, so what's the point in learning their names?) Well, anyway, Smithy and Gina, individually and together, are the best damn things in The Bill.

Smithy - not brilliant, not handsome, has a positively magnetic attraction to tragedy, but a sturdy, trustworthy character who you love simply because he's just being nice and normal in the un-nice and crazy world of Sun Hill. Gina - terrifying boss, in-control lady, soft at heart when it suits, cuts the not inconsiderable crap. Their chemistry together sizzles. I think it's because they're the only sane ones in the station. I know they try and pass the magnetism off as maternal, but lets face it: if the age difference was the other way around - if Gina was in her 30s and Smithy was in his 50s - they would have jumped into bed years ago. I spend most of their scenes together wishing they would, but then I remember that Smithy has had 3 girlfriends in the last four or five years killed, so perhaps Gina's better off leaving it at the sizzling.

No matter how much their mutual love-in warms the cockles (and it does), I'm more warmed by the glow of normality and reality that they give off. It's not often such warmth is real, and is allowed to make narrative sense. And without making either of them do stupid things or say stupid things or generally annoy me as most romance storylines do - they love each other as normal people would. Bottom line- if either of them leave, I'm going right with them. You hear that Thames TalkBack? GONE!

The others that spring to mind are: Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica. If any woman could turn me, I think Katee Sackhoff is she, mainly because she's so damn luminous it's incredible. But apart from the actress' physical appearance, Starbuck is so utterly batshit that she personally makes me feel a lot better in relation to my own at-times unpredictable behaviour. I actually spilt some tea shouting for joy when Starbuck turned up again. She's likely Cylonised, I expect, but frankly I think we should have an international day of jubilation if it turns out there's hundreds of Starbucks, because that'd be awesome. And I'm not talking coffee shops.

So yeah - the others I like because they're normal, Starbuck I like because she's totally mental, in fact, as crazy as surely we all are at heart but somehow manage to hide. Maybe it's the claustrophobia that's flicked her switch, but whatever's happened she's off the page. Still, you can totally see why everyone, even Tigh who doesn't like her, is completely under her spell. I don't know why she's under Apollo's, unless it's purely animal which with Starbuck, is more than possible. Fly on, Starbuck. You're fab.

And Giles from Buffy. I mean early Giles, before the character assasination and the abandonment. In fact, all Buffy for me is pre-nuts Willow (note: Willow is not fantastically nuts as Starbuck, she's annoyingly nuts as Britney Spears). Giles: the weirdly attractive father figure that gave every impressionable young girl a daddy issue whether she wanted one or not. I remember with such fondness him kicking the shit out of Angel by taking a fiery torch to him . I quite liked Cordelia too, but that was less about her character and more for her superb smackdowns.

Of course, there was a late, lamented time on Buffy when actually all the main characters were All Right, even Angel in his blockheaded way. I call those days Before Spike. But even amidst the cockeyed charm of Xander, the fragile brittleness of Cordelia, the adorable Oz, the hysterical-not-in-a-good-way Willow and the annoying-but-with-good-reason Buffy, Giles shone. He ran the whole thing by bringing out the best in the characters, especially in the early days when Buffy and Xander in particular had brattish tendencies. He and Buffy's relationship was adorably wholesome, given that poor old Buffy had a hell of a difficult life and her universe was increasingly dark and unpleasant (and boring to watch). So yeah - Giles is a hero to me.

But, as the Dixie Chicks would say, tonight the heartache's on me, because OB is still going, and that still suhhhhhks.

Misery Loves Company: Hollyoaks

Watching the Hollyoaks omnibus while nursing a hangover is a tradition of mine stretching back to before I legally should have been drinking anything hangover-inducing, but this morning I felt I had broken through the fourth wall. Lying in bed, eating toast and drinking tea and generally combatting a ruthless hangover which I think demonstrates encroaching age, everyone on screen seemed to be suffering as grievously as me. Let's see: Mike, Zoe, Sarah, all the McQueens but especially Michaela, Fletch, Sasha and Russ were all incapacitated at some point or another. Sasha in particular looked like a reflection of my ill self as she crawled from lying to sitting positions. When she complained that people thought they looked like druggies on account of their trashed next-morning appearance, Fletch replied: "Isn't everyone? Out of it is a normal look." To which I say: apparently so.

In other news - Summer, step away from OB. It's lovely you can sing, it's lovely that your borderline obsessive stalking of Andrew Lloyd Webber paid off, it's all lovely, but you pop OB on the next bus to Chester, or else I won't be responsible for my actions. Don't mess with me today, girl, I promise you my head is more than sore. You may get the part, but you don't get the boy. End of.

When Editors Go Bad: Miami Vice - The Maze

Sonny and Tubbs are out for dinner with two other cops. Is this like wife-swapping? They're bantering good-naturedly, so you know someone is about to die. Rico and Sonny advocate cleaning up Miami by neighbourhood watch schemes, promoting small businesses, and instilling pride in the locals - Rico says pride goes a long way. Wait, this is Miami Vice, isn't it? Yes, it is, there are a gang of young men chucking stuff through windows and beating up hapless passers-by. All four cops take off after them, one of them gets shot. Is it Sonny or Rico? What do you think?


Sonny hilariously moseys down an arcade - possibly the only pastel-shaded arcade in the USA - trying to look a competant cop in all-white suit. Oh, Sonny. His hair doesn't move at all, which is probably why Rico manages to stop himself from accidentally shooting him when he wanders straight into his shotline. That hair is a force of nature. But the brain under it is clearly not fully functional. Anyway, Dickie is dead. Poor Dickie. Who? Exactly. We go to credits not caring, but wondering what hairspray Sonny uses. I can only think it's the same as Rachel on Friends.

Sonny instills pride in the neighbourhood by badgering people for the gang responsible, the Escobars. He grabs a kid who is skating down the street, he tries to pay off a street seller. A dodgy disco. Damn, I love the seedy glamour of Miami Vice. Seriously, I do. If I could move to the Miami of this show, I would. As it is, I just watch it and play Vice City. I digress. Sonny and Rico work on one of their snitches. Sonny pours water on the guy's shoes - can you imagine the terrible wrath that would descend if someone did that to him? What a git. The guy hides in the loos, Sonny suggests flushing him out. Rico is disgusted. I hope Don Johnson sued his plastic surgeon, his eye tuck is hideous. Did he really need an eye tuck in 1984? I've seen the posters for Guys and Dolls, he needs one now. Anyway, the guy says the Escobars are in 'the Maze' which is a labrynth and they'll need an army. What are the chances that actually all they need are Sonny and Rico?

The Comic Relief Cops are despatched by Sonny to get blueprints. What are they, his PAs? I bet everyone really hates Sonny. They get them, because they do their jobs. The Maze is a big derelict apartment block, with a few squatters. It's right on the seafront. It must be worth a fortune now. Durriere, the dead Dickie's partner, decides the best way to avoid hurting the squatters is to "kick in the door and tell them to duck." Sonny is morally offended by this - please remember this when he essentially kicks in doors and tells people to duck every other week. Castillo wants to send someone who "speaks [the squatters'] language". Rico is drawing a picture, so fails to notice that everyone is staring at him. Sonny smiles at him proudly. Aw.

We are treated to Rico's Jamaican accent again. I don't have any family or close friends who are Jamaican, so I don't know how good his accent is. I'm thinking it probably isn't, but what do I know? Anyway, in he goes and then Durriere decides to storm the building single-handedly and so all the armed cops weigh in and waddya know, we have a hostage situation. These are some crap cops, to be honest.

Weirdly, Sonny's wearing dark blue - not pastel. It looks so wrong. Durriere sort of non-apologises to Sonny. Sonny accuses Durriere of trying to lose him his partner. Sonny says Tubbs has a gun. Sonny stares out the window. I wonder how an episode about Rico being taken hostage has turned into an episode about Sonny. Sonny tells Castillo that he's worried about Rico - really? I wouldn't have guessed. I'm glad you told us. He's wearing a white jacket now, so the Earth isn't about to plunge from its axis. Castillo really doesn't seem to care about Rico, which is amusing. Sonny complains that four hours isn't very long...which it isn't, unless you spend it watching Miami Vice, but what's the relevance?


The Escobars annouce the cops have four hours to deliver a helicoptor and some cash. Sonny sure is good. That, or the editor can't edit for shit. Rico manages to calm tensions between an Hispanic and a Carribbean family. Unfortunately, he doesn't manage to stop the kidnappers shooting a man who protested at the idea of his sister being raped - he was being most unreasonable, apparently. Rico ends up being tied up. Oh, Rico.


The cops are going to bait the Escobars to the roof with a helicoptor, to avoid a bloodbath. Sonny decides to go inside and find out where they're being held in the building. Um, okay. Two questions: why? and why him? If you're baiting them to the roof, it's because you THEN will know where they all are. Why Sonny - I don't know. He finds them effortlessly, and then joins in the storming of the building, protected only by a natty suit, unlike the booted and suited armed cops. There's such a fine line between bravery and stupidity, I wish someone would tell Sonny where it is.

Meanwhile, the Escobars take all the hostages to the roof because they're dumber than Sonny. They leave Rico behind with the youngest Escobar. "Him we maybe kill," says boss Escobar. Right ho. So you go up to the helicoptor, you release all your hostages, then you go back into the building, shoot Rico, collect baby brother and go back to the helicoptor? Most illogical, captain. Shoot him now, if you're going to do it.


While Sonny and friends shoot a couple of Escobars and rescue the pretty girl, Rico liberates the gun Sonny told us about earlier and holds up cuddly Escobar, who looks flummoxed. Mate, you're screwed. You got owned by Rico, dumbass. Weirdly, Rico and Sonny are suddenly together on the roof, firing away like old days. Whuh? Christ, the editing in this episode is shocking. Anyway, it finishes with Sonny and Rico approaching each other on a sunlit roof, silently. It's very romantic.