When Editors Go Bad: Miami Vice - The Maze

Sonny and Tubbs are out for dinner with two other cops. Is this like wife-swapping? They're bantering good-naturedly, so you know someone is about to die. Rico and Sonny advocate cleaning up Miami by neighbourhood watch schemes, promoting small businesses, and instilling pride in the locals - Rico says pride goes a long way. Wait, this is Miami Vice, isn't it? Yes, it is, there are a gang of young men chucking stuff through windows and beating up hapless passers-by. All four cops take off after them, one of them gets shot. Is it Sonny or Rico? What do you think?


Sonny hilariously moseys down an arcade - possibly the only pastel-shaded arcade in the USA - trying to look a competant cop in all-white suit. Oh, Sonny. His hair doesn't move at all, which is probably why Rico manages to stop himself from accidentally shooting him when he wanders straight into his shotline. That hair is a force of nature. But the brain under it is clearly not fully functional. Anyway, Dickie is dead. Poor Dickie. Who? Exactly. We go to credits not caring, but wondering what hairspray Sonny uses. I can only think it's the same as Rachel on Friends.

Sonny instills pride in the neighbourhood by badgering people for the gang responsible, the Escobars. He grabs a kid who is skating down the street, he tries to pay off a street seller. A dodgy disco. Damn, I love the seedy glamour of Miami Vice. Seriously, I do. If I could move to the Miami of this show, I would. As it is, I just watch it and play Vice City. I digress. Sonny and Rico work on one of their snitches. Sonny pours water on the guy's shoes - can you imagine the terrible wrath that would descend if someone did that to him? What a git. The guy hides in the loos, Sonny suggests flushing him out. Rico is disgusted. I hope Don Johnson sued his plastic surgeon, his eye tuck is hideous. Did he really need an eye tuck in 1984? I've seen the posters for Guys and Dolls, he needs one now. Anyway, the guy says the Escobars are in 'the Maze' which is a labrynth and they'll need an army. What are the chances that actually all they need are Sonny and Rico?

The Comic Relief Cops are despatched by Sonny to get blueprints. What are they, his PAs? I bet everyone really hates Sonny. They get them, because they do their jobs. The Maze is a big derelict apartment block, with a few squatters. It's right on the seafront. It must be worth a fortune now. Durriere, the dead Dickie's partner, decides the best way to avoid hurting the squatters is to "kick in the door and tell them to duck." Sonny is morally offended by this - please remember this when he essentially kicks in doors and tells people to duck every other week. Castillo wants to send someone who "speaks [the squatters'] language". Rico is drawing a picture, so fails to notice that everyone is staring at him. Sonny smiles at him proudly. Aw.

We are treated to Rico's Jamaican accent again. I don't have any family or close friends who are Jamaican, so I don't know how good his accent is. I'm thinking it probably isn't, but what do I know? Anyway, in he goes and then Durriere decides to storm the building single-handedly and so all the armed cops weigh in and waddya know, we have a hostage situation. These are some crap cops, to be honest.

Weirdly, Sonny's wearing dark blue - not pastel. It looks so wrong. Durriere sort of non-apologises to Sonny. Sonny accuses Durriere of trying to lose him his partner. Sonny says Tubbs has a gun. Sonny stares out the window. I wonder how an episode about Rico being taken hostage has turned into an episode about Sonny. Sonny tells Castillo that he's worried about Rico - really? I wouldn't have guessed. I'm glad you told us. He's wearing a white jacket now, so the Earth isn't about to plunge from its axis. Castillo really doesn't seem to care about Rico, which is amusing. Sonny complains that four hours isn't very long...which it isn't, unless you spend it watching Miami Vice, but what's the relevance?


The Escobars annouce the cops have four hours to deliver a helicoptor and some cash. Sonny sure is good. That, or the editor can't edit for shit. Rico manages to calm tensions between an Hispanic and a Carribbean family. Unfortunately, he doesn't manage to stop the kidnappers shooting a man who protested at the idea of his sister being raped - he was being most unreasonable, apparently. Rico ends up being tied up. Oh, Rico.


The cops are going to bait the Escobars to the roof with a helicoptor, to avoid a bloodbath. Sonny decides to go inside and find out where they're being held in the building. Um, okay. Two questions: why? and why him? If you're baiting them to the roof, it's because you THEN will know where they all are. Why Sonny - I don't know. He finds them effortlessly, and then joins in the storming of the building, protected only by a natty suit, unlike the booted and suited armed cops. There's such a fine line between bravery and stupidity, I wish someone would tell Sonny where it is.

Meanwhile, the Escobars take all the hostages to the roof because they're dumber than Sonny. They leave Rico behind with the youngest Escobar. "Him we maybe kill," says boss Escobar. Right ho. So you go up to the helicoptor, you release all your hostages, then you go back into the building, shoot Rico, collect baby brother and go back to the helicoptor? Most illogical, captain. Shoot him now, if you're going to do it.


While Sonny and friends shoot a couple of Escobars and rescue the pretty girl, Rico liberates the gun Sonny told us about earlier and holds up cuddly Escobar, who looks flummoxed. Mate, you're screwed. You got owned by Rico, dumbass. Weirdly, Rico and Sonny are suddenly together on the roof, firing away like old days. Whuh? Christ, the editing in this episode is shocking. Anyway, it finishes with Sonny and Rico approaching each other on a sunlit roof, silently. It's very romantic.