I am reliably informed that in the United States, this episode is called "The Fire Ships". Which is admittedly a much better title and fits the series by way of being both bombastic and utterly nonsensical. However the British title, though mundane, has clarity on its side. If it's fire ships you are after, prepare yourself for disappointment - there's only two, and you barely see one. If it's stressing about examinations you want, you are in the right place.
We are off Cadiz. We don't like the Spanish much. Clear? Good, then. We kick off with a Spanish captain turning up on the Indie. To Pellew's annoyance, Horatio doesn't speak Spanish, but fortunately he speaks French. Clearly, Pellew doesn't speak either, so, shut up Pellew. Turns out, the Spanish have made peace with France. Pellew gets more and more confused, but it transpires that they have 6 hours before the Spanish starts firing. This sends Pellew literally speechless with anger, so Horatio makes shit up to the Spanish captain that Pellew might want to say. "Get him over the side," Pellew growls, as his contribution to international diplomacy.
Meanwhile, Denis Lawson, in crazed mode which he does so fabulously (love you, Denis! Esther should've chosen you!) assumes command of a supply ship that he was a passenger on, and decides to take on a Spanish frigate rather than run away from it. They sink. Nice one, Denis. The rest of the crew are, understandably, fucked off. Denis stabs one of them. Morale is not improved.
The Indie comes across ol'Denis. Pellew, looking through the eyeglass, gloats "goodness gracious." No one can handle sarcasm, or an eyeglass, like Pellew. Denis is Captain Foster. "Dreadnaught Foster?" Horatio goggles like a fanboy. Pellew doesn't care for overblown titles. That's just coz he doesn't hear what I call him. Pellew the Magnificent. Anyway, Pellew greets Denis on a deck flooded with beautiful summer evening sunlight. Robert Lindsay is channelling his inner Bill Nighy as he twitches and stutters all over the place through irritation. He offers Denis some old clothes and invites him to dinner. This takes about twenty minutes.
Mr Bracegirdle tells Horatio that Pellew thinks Denis is reckless. Horatio thinks he's a legend. Oo-er. At dinner, Denis explains he was on his way to Gibralter when he decided to take on the Spanish. He's chuffed that the cargo didn't get to Spain. Horatio gazes at him adoringly. Pellew asks how many crew died. Denis says he didn't have time for "arithmatic." Horatio smiles, Pellew sees and I've said it once and I'll say it again: Oo-ER. Denis asks if Pellew would have surrendered, Pellew dodges the question, so he asks Horatio. Horatio, entirely failing to spot the flashing neon DANGER!DANGER! sign above the table, says he's glad the Spanish didn't get the cargo. Pellew looks genuinely shocked for a second. Horatio sees it, and suddenly looks terribly guilty. Pellew excuses himself, Horatio watches him go, troubled. I have to say both Ioan Gruffudd and Robert Lindsay were awesome in that scene - the Horatio/Pellew relationship is the heart and soul of this show. And Denis was enjoying his ham, too.
The relative subtlety of the dinner scene gives way to the more regular histrionic style, as we go to the deck, where Horatio and Pellew share an All My Children moment as Pellew walks away, and Horatio apologises for any offence. Horatio talks to Pellew's back, looking small, and Pellew's voice breaks. Isn't it hard when your children grow up?
Even as he's disembarking at Gibralter, Denis is causing a ruckus by telling Horatio he should enter for the Lieutenant exam, even though that's Pellew's decision. Pellew all but drags him off the ship. Mr Bracegirdle, noticing the competition for paternal love triangle developing, informs Horatio to watch out for the "great" Denis. "Such greatness always has its price." In this case, sanity. And did Bracegirdle just call Pellew average?
In the saddest scene in the film, Pellew shoves Horatio in for the Lieutenant's exam. Clearly he didn't really think him ready, he's only doing it to keep his admiration, and he advises him to study in all his spare time. Horatio instantly becomes a brat with his men, because he just wants to study. Pellew comes across him, as Horatio moans he was just trying to find somewhere quiet to study. Pellew, amazingly, seems to think this was a fuck off to him, and Horatio begs him to stay. Completely bizarre. Because of Denis' stupid attack, they have to half rations. Pellew shoots him a "Ya SEE?" look that Horatio fully appreciates, and moseys off, his work done. Pellew the Magnificently Passive Aggressive, I think. Horatio looks rueful.
The men grumble about the half rations, as you would. Horatio gets brattish again because he wants to study rather than listen to them sing, which doesn't improve the men's moods. They sing even louder. Can't blame em. Bracegirdle advises Horatio to buck up his ideas about being a lieutenant: it's either the singing or weeping. In other words: cram it, boy.
The half rations take their toll. Finch, one of Horatio's men, coughs, which is usually an omen of death in period dramas. Another Surly Sailor casts mutinous glances around the ship. Dearie me. Finch tumbles off the rigging. "Is he all right?" wonders Horatio. Likely NOT. Horatio bitches to Bracegirdle that they shouldn't be sitting around doing nothing: "we should be out tehre following Denis' example!" I can only think Horatio is on drugs, and Bracegirdle thinks so too and boots him out of the room. Horatio looks unrepentent. What a dick.
He goes to annoy Finch in the sickbay. "You'll make it through," lies Horatio. Matthews advises to keep Finch awake ("I don't know that he'll make it," he says, proving conclusively that he's a thousand times smarter than Horatio). Horatio, thinking that Finch isn't suffering enough, makes him test him for his lietenatcy exam. ASSHOLE! "Come on man! Clear your mind! Ask me a question!" he shouts. Horatio, I hate you right now. Finch says he doesn't need a book to test him, hilariously. Get the burns in, even on your deathbed. Quite right.
On deck, a supply ship has been spotted. Even the Surly Sailor is happy. Poor ailing Finch is teaching Horatio to tie knots. When Horatio bounds off to see the supply ship, Finch takes his opportunity and dies as the Surly Sailor looks on. Meanwhile, Pellew and Bracegirdle watch as a Spanish fire ship (an empty ship on fire) explodes the supply ship. Pellew closes his eyes in disbelief. My heart, it aches for you. The cheering stops abruptly.
In the officers mess, they complain that the Spanish are too good at the English fire ship tactic. Horatio, feeling he hasn't been nearly sanctimonious enough this episode, wordlessly takes a lump of bread, whereupon he both talks to and tries to feed a decidedly dead Finch, as the Surly Sailor weeps and looks surly simultaneously. They auction Finch's stuff for his widow, the Surly Sailor offers a week's pay and then throws them overboard. Matthews expalins that Finch helped the Surly Sailor settle down when he first joined, which is why he's upset. "I see," says Horatio, "it's a bit like me and Archie, then, except I'm not in the least bothered that I think he's dead. But when he turns up again, I promise I'll make up for it."
Pellew annoucnes they're off to Iran, and are going to have a Taplow onboard, from the Diplomatic Service. Tapping looks like a Punch cartoon character, and is as annoying. Meanwhile, the Surly Sailor tells Matthews that the officers have full stores and are taking food from the men. Horatio tries to snap him into shape, and wears horrible eyeshadow. "There is no excuse for mutinous talk," says Horatio, "until I talk it in a couple of years." The talking to has no effect, because Surly goes on to steal from stores. Horatio finds him there crying. "I'm hungry," he sobs. Aren't they all?
Surly rapidly loses his appetite as Pellew roars at him. Robert Lindsay can operate at decibals I didn't know humans could reach. Pellew says Surly must run the gauntlet. Horatio gallently and stupidly tries to take the blame - I really hate Horatio in this episode. So does Pellew, I think, because he orders Horatio to lead him through. It must be noted that while the crew starve, Robert Lindsay must have been jealous of Denis before, because he just treated himself to some lovely ham. Horatio looks like he didn't quite expect that. HAH!
The gauntlet really doesn't look nearly as bad as flogging, but Horatio looks revolted anyway, and Surly bleeds but generally takes it reasonably well. Pellew promises the next thief will hang. Horatio takes to his bunk and sulks.
Next day, Horatio takes a boat ashore to get supplies from some alleged Moors, who could not be more Cacuasian. Anyway, Surly has stowed away to desert, to Horatio's irritation. Horatio wears a fetching straw hat for the occasion. Horatio and Taplow watch as a rat, shortly followed by a human, drops dead. This is the lamest shorthand for "plague" I have ever seen. They trade (including getting live cows), despite the sneezing and groaning issuing from the supposed Moors. "What's happening here?" asks Horatio, as three different Moors collapse in front of him. Luckily, Taplow isn't as daft. "Black death." D'OH! Horatio and co retreat to boat, presumably feeling as stupid as they are.
Taplow explains that they aren't allowed back on ship for 3 weeks. "Have you seen 9 out of 10 men die of putrid fevers?" He has. Horatio, troubled, sails back to close to the Indie and shouts for the Captain. He explains. "They're already dead," murmurs Bowles. Pellew shouts him down, then politely asks Horatio to keep his boat leeward. Heh. Pellew's in quite a state, which is adorable. He pretends his worried for the supplies. Bowles says they'll all be dead in a week, which proves that Bowles knows shit about Horatio. Pellew says they and the supplies can stay on the Caroline until their quarantine is up. Horatio, making up for the last hour of annoyance with a moment of absolute sweetness, asks for his books to study. Pellew's voice breaks as he says "I hope...I hope you find time to study them." In other words, I hope I'm wrong and I see you again because frankly, I think you're fucked. They touch their hats and Pellew walks away.
As they try and sort out the cows and so on, one of the men calls Horatio "captain" and a brief smile crosses his face. Aw. He thanks all the men for their efforts, even Surly, although Surly is later put in chains. Horatio lets him out, saying he'll speak for him at his trial. "Each of us can find a maggot in our past that can easily devour our futures," he says, almost making sense.
Rousing music tells us that Horatio and his crew of the damned are having a jolly fine time as they sail spectacularly out to sea. Horatio, meanwhile, sits in his cabin and in the time-honoured tradition of revisers, stares at his desk. They are still making for Gibratler. Horatio orders a bullock to be slaughtered. In celebration of the imminent feast, he briefly becomes Welsh. Meanwhile, on the Indie, Pellew is eating maggot-ridden bread. His face says, the Black Death would be better than this.
Horatio stares at his desk some more. Taplow interrupts to say that the first crewman has got the plague. Turns out, he's just drunk. This is such an exciting show! Horatio stares at his desk - again. This time it's the cows that disturb him. There's still a week of the quarantine left, but only 3 days water. They go ashore to find water, only to have quick scuffle with the Spanish during which Surly runs off again. Horatio shoots him. Naturally, Horatio is the victim here.
They get back to the boat, to find Denis and the Dreadnaught stealing their cows. Horatio is so mad he starts firing warning shots. Denis is totally unrepentent, and says he'll take them by force if necessary. Horatio is all, dude, if you kill the Navy it's totally your fault. Denis looks slightly chagrined, ,but still takes the cows. All in all, not a great day for Horatio.
Taplow takes over Pellew's job of telling Horatio he's awesome, but Horatio thinks Pellew would have found a way to save Surly. I really, really don't think he would have. "I fear I must question my readiness for command," he says. I don't see why he must based on that particular experience, but any kind of humility from Horatio is so damn welcome, that I don't care.
All the Indie cheer as they approach, free from plague. Pellew's so happy he even smiles. In the cabin, Pellew comforts Horatio saying Surly chose to cut himself adrift. He says they lived because of him. Pellew, still in Bill Nighy mode, says the examination is the next day. He tells Horatio the fresh beef was a waste and bitches at him, Horatio kind of grins. "Good to have you back on board," says Pellew. Aw.
Horatio can't find a shirt for his exam, Bracegirdle helps. The exam is painful, Horatio totally flunks (not least because Denis is on the board), but halfway through - bang! There's a general alarm. Denis looks through an eyeglass but it's Horatio who spots it - a fireship. The three captains and Horatio leap into a rowing boat to get back to their ships. They're sweetly concerned. Horatio realises it's heading for the Indie. Horatio and Denis decide to get on board to steer her away from the Indie. The other two captains think they're insane. For the record, I agree.
Much bravery occurs with the steering away amidst fire that I really can't be bothered to watch at this point so I make some toast and marmite. Long story short, Horatio saves Denis' life, as well as the Indie. In the rowboat, the captains argue like leeetle girls. Back on the Indie, Pellew thanks Horatio. "My men owe you their lives, and I owe you my ship," he says. Yep, pretty much. Still failed your exam, thought, didntja? Pellew gets snotty about it, but says Horatio has tasted command and will be better prepared next time. "It has been an honour to serve with you," says Pellew. "And with you," says Horatio, as near tears as we have ever seen him.
We leave Horatio hugging a rope on deck, looking smug. "I'm just thinking of the distances we travel," he says. "Yet how far we still have to sail as men."
I'm just thinking of how utterly unbearable you would be to know, yet how I am going to watch the rest of the series anyway. Horatio definately needs a friend-figure to alleviate the general aura of perfection that wafts around him.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The Fish is Wired! - Torchwood: Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang
In an effort to prove to us all that this year is the year Torchwood has grown up, we begin with our heroes involved in a car chase with a gun-wielding fish. Jack isn't there, because he's off getting jiggy with John Simm and David Tennant at this point. The fish holds some poor woman at gun point, and correctly identifies Owen as "The doctor with his hands full of blood", Gwen as "the carer with her oh-so-beating heart" (I love that Gwen's attribute is merely a sign of life, and not actually anything special), Tosh as the "technician" and Ianto as "The office boy promoted beyond his measure" which is...true, actually, but massively cruel since Ianto is the only character on this godforsaken show I like (apart from Rhys, whose barely in it). Anyway, the fish goads Ianto about shooting him, the fish gets shot and Ianto hilariously stares at his gun in astonishment. It's not him that fired, though, it was Jack, who has appeared behind them. Sigh. And so it begins.
My question is - why aren't they still in the Himalayas, like we were promised on Doctor Who?
Whatever. Back at the Hub, Jack's easily impressed by the gang's nonsensical orders to one another. Gwen shoves him and bitches him out for leaving them. "We knew nothing!" she shrills. Took the words right out of my mouth. Jack explains he was with the Doctor, and Ianto asks sadly if Jack's going back to him. "I came back for you...all of you," he says. Which is the first, but not the last, time Jack fucks with Ianto's feelings today.
On a rooftop somewhere in Cardiff, in a carpark, I think, Spike from Buffy emerges from a rift. I hated Spike passionately, despite the brilliant: "Taking. A. Walk....Bitch," moment. Spike and Torchwood combining is like Event Horizon for my TV bile. Anyway, he interrupts a mugger whose attacking some hapless passerby. Spike suggests he should leave him alone, and the mugger says "I'm not bluffing!" except I thought he said, "I'm not Buffy!" which made me laugh. But was imaginary. As is often the case with things that make me laugh on Torchwood. Spike throws the mugger off the roof. "I...was never here," he tells the passerby. Would that were true.
Spike wanders into a bar, and tells all the ugly chicks to leave. He then produces a gun, and everyone clears out, pretty or not. Whatever. I hate you, Spike. At least his accent's less offensive here.
The Torchwood gang are blathering over the corpse of the mugger, where they ascertain he fell from the roof. Like, no shit. There's a weird blocking moment where Gwen steps backwards and nearly falls over Jack. Bizarre. Gwen thanks Andy, the cop, for letting them in the crime scene, and they have a little banter about whether it's "spooky." As Gwen leaves, Andy bitches: "Thank you, Andy. You're welcome, Gwen," even though Gwen thanked him about ten seconds earlier. You know what would be great? I've got used to Torchwood having zero script continuity from one episode to the next, but it would be fab if we could have script continuity WITHIN THE SAME SCENE.
Jack's wristwatch does an R2D2 and reveals a message from Spike. It really is a ripoff from Star Wars, which will be acknowledged but still doesn't make it right. Spike admits the crime scene was all him, to bill him from the cleanup, and tells Jack to meet him at the coordinates given for a drink. "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!" he Princess-Leias. It's quite funny in a lazy sort of a way. Jack bolts, taking the car and ordering the gang not to follow him. Tosh announces she can track him, and Ianto grabs a taxi. Tosh's Gadget-For-All-Seasons is annoying me. Did she have it in the first series?
Jack and Spike meet, kiss and fight. It's boring. And set to Song 2 - why choose a song that's ten years old? Don't get it. Meanwhile, the gang are on their way, bitching about how Jack keeps everything for them. "More fun when he's around," remarks Ianto, and they all agree. It's more fun when you're around, Ianto.
Jack and Spike, it's revealed, are exactly alike. They drink together. They're both Time Agents, but the Time Agency has been shut down, Spike says, there's only 7 agents left. Christ, we've just been through all of this with the Doctor and the Master. Russell T Davis, if you're that short of inspiration, stop creating spin-offs, okay? The gang show up. Spike asks what the team name is. Torchwood. "Not Excalibur?" he says. No, because this isn't SG-1. Unfortunately. (It's not often I say THAT.) "We were partners," explains Spike. "In what way?" demands Ianto, immediately. Like, Ianto, too needy, mmkay? "Every way," oozes Spike, and they bicker about who was the wife. Jack was totally the wife. They also bicker over the size of their wristwatches, which is almost exactly the same as the banter the Doctor and the Master had over their laser and sonic screwdrivers. Meh.
Spike reels off some story about a dying woman who was working on radioactive clusterbombs, which are now in Cardiff about to radiate all over everyone. It doesn't make any sense, but then it's a lie, and it's Torchwood, so it doesn't matter. Back at the Hub, Tosh as found the bombs' locations. If it weren't for Tosh, they would be dead seven different ways every week.
Profoundly odd scene, in which Jack comes on strong to Gwen, saying he belongs back with her, then finds out she's engaged to Rhys (poor Rhys!) and acts incredibly sketchy. Firstly - ew. Gwen. Secondly - are we meant to think there's something between them? What about Ianto? Christ, Gwen and Jack deserve each other, the hos. Yeuch. Gwen goggles at him, like, you weren't here, and I'm like, What. The. Fuck?
Group meeting where Gwen decides that Gwen and Spike, Owen and Tosh and Jack and Ianto are going to go find the three capsules in three teams, as splitting up always works out splendidly. Jack gets dickish with Gwen over giving orders, before telling her to a) don't believe Spike b) keep Spike in front of her c) don't let him kiss her. Gwen gets shirty at this last one, even though she's copped off with every male character on this series apart from Ianto, whose gay. So shut up Gwen, you cheap bitch.
Gwen and Spike are in a container yard. Rhys rings to say he's got a new job, it's of no consequence apart from Rhys is such a sweet character. Long story short: Gwen a)believes Spike that Jack is a sketchy character, b) lets him go into a container behind her and c), lets him kiss her. Nice one, genius. Naturally it turns out Spike has paralysing lip gloss on, which means in 2hrs her organs will shut down. He locks her in and throws away her phone. Well played, Spike, well played. I haven't been this pleased with you since you thumped Buffy. Couldn't you have got a faster-acting lipgloss, is my only question.
Owen and Tosh are in a scrapyard someplace. Cardiff, presumably. They have a strange conversation about they're both looking for a woman who understands them or something. Not in the scrapyard, in general. Whatever. Owen is less vile than last series, is all I can say. Spike shows up and shoots Owen. I'm beginning to think Spike is a fictional manifestation of myself.
Jack and Ianto are in an office. Jack is his annoying self talking about shagging in an office - I don't know. Ianto is all, "shut up. The thingy is either in the office or on the roof." Essentially. Jack looks at him and asks as sincerely as Jack can: "How are you, Ianto?" Ianto: "All the better for having you back, sir." He says this briskly, not looking at Jack and sort of vaguely opening drawers. Jack asks if they can "drop the sir." Jack says that while he was away he was wondering if Ianto would go out for dinner and movie with him. I have difficulty believing Ianto even crossed Jack's mind. Ianto wonders if Jack's asking him on a date, Jack asks if Ianto's interested. Ianto: "Only if it's not in an office." Fair enough, I think. He says he'll check out this floor, and Jack should go on the roof. Again with the splitting up! Ianto wonders why they're helping Spike, and Jack says Spike's a reminder of his past, and he wants him gone. He asks if "that was a yes." Ianto snaps irritably, "Yes. Yes." Jack grins and leaves. Aw. They are sweet when they're together.
Spike shows up and boots Ianto at gunpoint into a lift, telling him to go and save the other gang. It would've been a lot more interesting to see Jack see that, but he doesn't. Spike calls Ianto "eye-candy." Why is everyone so mean to Ianto? Spike says that "the only consolation is money." What the fuck ever.
As Ianto zooms off to save his worthless colleagues, Spike surprises Jack on the roof with: "Rear of the Year, 1594. Still looking good." I really hate these stupid jokes. Write a decent script, and you don't need them. Spike wants the third and final cannister. Jack's all "if you've harmed Ianto..." Spike: "He's pretty but stupid. You used to have better taste." Jack: "Doesn't look like it from here." Woohoo! That's a goal! Spike just wants Jack to join him in the old routine, and blathers on about sparkling planets or some such shit. Jack doesn't see why he'd want that when he has Cardiff. Um. Jack chucks the cannister off the roof, so Spike chucks Jack off the roof. Jack lands incredibly painfully, back bent over a bench. OUCH! Even though it's Jack - still OUCH!
Ianto goes firstly to Owen and Tosh, which is an odd choice given that he knows Gwen's by herself and given that he's shot Owen himself in his time. Owen, sadly, is pretty much fine again. They all clear off to find Gwen and after much running around, do so (again, with Tosh's absurd Gadget). I'm quite disappointed. They identify the poison with a nifty laptop that I hope, but doubt, is available to NHS hospitals.
Anyway, back at the Hub, turns out the dead Fish has a pyramidy thing that Spike is after in his pocket. Wouldn't Torchwood have emptied its pockets? Whatever. The gang's here, to Spike's surprise: "Pretty and resilient." Spike must have wonky eyes, because only Ianto's pretty, though. Well, and Tosh. Gwen and Owen are odd-looking. What really stuns Spike is Jack showing up. "Now that's impressive," he quavers. It's nice to see a genuine emotion on the show. Jack explains he can't die. Spike's like, no really, and Jack's like, really. Jack has really good teeth as he says FOR THE THIRD TIME that he came back from the people. GOT IT!
Turns out the cannisters contain things that put together will tell him where a diamond is. Erm. Kay. Is it nearly over? Yes. Turns out the dying woman was dying because Spike shot her, and he wants to find the diamond. Spike suggests a 50/50 split, or, randomly, an orgy. He looks directly at Ianto who considers it for a second. It would be funny if it weren't so odd. Spike puts the thingys together (I'm not being deliberately obscure. It really is this weird), and a little hologram of the woman shows up. A bomb attaches itself to Spike, as the DNA of the person who kills her, and will go off in 10 minutes. There's no diamond. Spike handcuffs himself to Gwen. I would be a LOT more worried about this if it were Ianto. Instead, the explosion of Spike and Gwen sounds like Christmas and birthday in one.
Gwen volunteers to take Spike through the rift and explode together and - is this a Christmas special, because that would be AWESOME. Dead AND in a different reality! That's one better than Rose! Anyway, Spike's being annoying in a Torchwood-kind-of-way by hitting on poodles (no, really) as they shoot off towards the carpark where the rift is. Lots of carpark action this episode. Owen and Jack are back in the Hub doing something scientific. Back at the Rift, Ianto is counting down the seconds. Gwen marches them towards the Rift, trying to leave a coherent message for Jack and failing. Jack shows up and injects Spike with blood that alters his DNA, and I am so bored now. The bomb goes off through the rift, and suddenly its night. Brilliantly, for a second, I thought it was a continunity error, but actually they've gone back in time to the beginning of the night.
Spike unlocks himself from Gwen, sensibly. Jack sends Spike packing. Spike kisses Jack, right there in front of Ianto. What a shitty day Ianto has had. The gang are all standing behind Jack in formation, it looks like a promo pic. "By the way," says Spike, as he vanishes through the Rift. "I found Grey." Jack boggles, and flashes back to two hands letting go of each other. "Who's Grey?" asks Gwen. You are, for one, Gwen. Sorry, too easy. Like Gwen! Sorry! Right, moving along.
"It's nothing," says Jack, and they all start walking towards the camera, still in formation, like a flock of well-dressed seagulls. Heh.
Coming Up: Richard Briers, I think. But more importantly - MARTHA JONES! Soon, I hope, because she's the only one can save this for me. Equally excitingly - Ianto kisses Jack! I'm still gutted they didn't sort their act out this episode. Also, Jim from Neighbours/Bradford from Ugly Betty! And the guy that fell overboard in Master and Commander. So, happy days.
All in all - not as painful as previously feared. But the seaside postcard humour can be checked at the door next time in return for some well-judged burns and relationship continuity. Please!
My question is - why aren't they still in the Himalayas, like we were promised on Doctor Who?
Whatever. Back at the Hub, Jack's easily impressed by the gang's nonsensical orders to one another. Gwen shoves him and bitches him out for leaving them. "We knew nothing!" she shrills. Took the words right out of my mouth. Jack explains he was with the Doctor, and Ianto asks sadly if Jack's going back to him. "I came back for you...all of you," he says. Which is the first, but not the last, time Jack fucks with Ianto's feelings today.
On a rooftop somewhere in Cardiff, in a carpark, I think, Spike from Buffy emerges from a rift. I hated Spike passionately, despite the brilliant: "Taking. A. Walk....Bitch," moment. Spike and Torchwood combining is like Event Horizon for my TV bile. Anyway, he interrupts a mugger whose attacking some hapless passerby. Spike suggests he should leave him alone, and the mugger says "I'm not bluffing!" except I thought he said, "I'm not Buffy!" which made me laugh. But was imaginary. As is often the case with things that make me laugh on Torchwood. Spike throws the mugger off the roof. "I...was never here," he tells the passerby. Would that were true.
Spike wanders into a bar, and tells all the ugly chicks to leave. He then produces a gun, and everyone clears out, pretty or not. Whatever. I hate you, Spike. At least his accent's less offensive here.
The Torchwood gang are blathering over the corpse of the mugger, where they ascertain he fell from the roof. Like, no shit. There's a weird blocking moment where Gwen steps backwards and nearly falls over Jack. Bizarre. Gwen thanks Andy, the cop, for letting them in the crime scene, and they have a little banter about whether it's "spooky." As Gwen leaves, Andy bitches: "Thank you, Andy. You're welcome, Gwen," even though Gwen thanked him about ten seconds earlier. You know what would be great? I've got used to Torchwood having zero script continuity from one episode to the next, but it would be fab if we could have script continuity WITHIN THE SAME SCENE.
Jack's wristwatch does an R2D2 and reveals a message from Spike. It really is a ripoff from Star Wars, which will be acknowledged but still doesn't make it right. Spike admits the crime scene was all him, to bill him from the cleanup, and tells Jack to meet him at the coordinates given for a drink. "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!" he Princess-Leias. It's quite funny in a lazy sort of a way. Jack bolts, taking the car and ordering the gang not to follow him. Tosh announces she can track him, and Ianto grabs a taxi. Tosh's Gadget-For-All-Seasons is annoying me. Did she have it in the first series?
Jack and Spike meet, kiss and fight. It's boring. And set to Song 2 - why choose a song that's ten years old? Don't get it. Meanwhile, the gang are on their way, bitching about how Jack keeps everything for them. "More fun when he's around," remarks Ianto, and they all agree. It's more fun when you're around, Ianto.
Jack and Spike, it's revealed, are exactly alike. They drink together. They're both Time Agents, but the Time Agency has been shut down, Spike says, there's only 7 agents left. Christ, we've just been through all of this with the Doctor and the Master. Russell T Davis, if you're that short of inspiration, stop creating spin-offs, okay? The gang show up. Spike asks what the team name is. Torchwood. "Not Excalibur?" he says. No, because this isn't SG-1. Unfortunately. (It's not often I say THAT.) "We were partners," explains Spike. "In what way?" demands Ianto, immediately. Like, Ianto, too needy, mmkay? "Every way," oozes Spike, and they bicker about who was the wife. Jack was totally the wife. They also bicker over the size of their wristwatches, which is almost exactly the same as the banter the Doctor and the Master had over their laser and sonic screwdrivers. Meh.
Spike reels off some story about a dying woman who was working on radioactive clusterbombs, which are now in Cardiff about to radiate all over everyone. It doesn't make any sense, but then it's a lie, and it's Torchwood, so it doesn't matter. Back at the Hub, Tosh as found the bombs' locations. If it weren't for Tosh, they would be dead seven different ways every week.
Profoundly odd scene, in which Jack comes on strong to Gwen, saying he belongs back with her, then finds out she's engaged to Rhys (poor Rhys!) and acts incredibly sketchy. Firstly - ew. Gwen. Secondly - are we meant to think there's something between them? What about Ianto? Christ, Gwen and Jack deserve each other, the hos. Yeuch. Gwen goggles at him, like, you weren't here, and I'm like, What. The. Fuck?
Group meeting where Gwen decides that Gwen and Spike, Owen and Tosh and Jack and Ianto are going to go find the three capsules in three teams, as splitting up always works out splendidly. Jack gets dickish with Gwen over giving orders, before telling her to a) don't believe Spike b) keep Spike in front of her c) don't let him kiss her. Gwen gets shirty at this last one, even though she's copped off with every male character on this series apart from Ianto, whose gay. So shut up Gwen, you cheap bitch.
Gwen and Spike are in a container yard. Rhys rings to say he's got a new job, it's of no consequence apart from Rhys is such a sweet character. Long story short: Gwen a)believes Spike that Jack is a sketchy character, b) lets him go into a container behind her and c), lets him kiss her. Nice one, genius. Naturally it turns out Spike has paralysing lip gloss on, which means in 2hrs her organs will shut down. He locks her in and throws away her phone. Well played, Spike, well played. I haven't been this pleased with you since you thumped Buffy. Couldn't you have got a faster-acting lipgloss, is my only question.
Owen and Tosh are in a scrapyard someplace. Cardiff, presumably. They have a strange conversation about they're both looking for a woman who understands them or something. Not in the scrapyard, in general. Whatever. Owen is less vile than last series, is all I can say. Spike shows up and shoots Owen. I'm beginning to think Spike is a fictional manifestation of myself.
Jack and Ianto are in an office. Jack is his annoying self talking about shagging in an office - I don't know. Ianto is all, "shut up. The thingy is either in the office or on the roof." Essentially. Jack looks at him and asks as sincerely as Jack can: "How are you, Ianto?" Ianto: "All the better for having you back, sir." He says this briskly, not looking at Jack and sort of vaguely opening drawers. Jack asks if they can "drop the sir." Jack says that while he was away he was wondering if Ianto would go out for dinner and movie with him. I have difficulty believing Ianto even crossed Jack's mind. Ianto wonders if Jack's asking him on a date, Jack asks if Ianto's interested. Ianto: "Only if it's not in an office." Fair enough, I think. He says he'll check out this floor, and Jack should go on the roof. Again with the splitting up! Ianto wonders why they're helping Spike, and Jack says Spike's a reminder of his past, and he wants him gone. He asks if "that was a yes." Ianto snaps irritably, "Yes. Yes." Jack grins and leaves. Aw. They are sweet when they're together.
Spike shows up and boots Ianto at gunpoint into a lift, telling him to go and save the other gang. It would've been a lot more interesting to see Jack see that, but he doesn't. Spike calls Ianto "eye-candy." Why is everyone so mean to Ianto? Spike says that "the only consolation is money." What the fuck ever.
As Ianto zooms off to save his worthless colleagues, Spike surprises Jack on the roof with: "Rear of the Year, 1594. Still looking good." I really hate these stupid jokes. Write a decent script, and you don't need them. Spike wants the third and final cannister. Jack's all "if you've harmed Ianto..." Spike: "He's pretty but stupid. You used to have better taste." Jack: "Doesn't look like it from here." Woohoo! That's a goal! Spike just wants Jack to join him in the old routine, and blathers on about sparkling planets or some such shit. Jack doesn't see why he'd want that when he has Cardiff. Um. Jack chucks the cannister off the roof, so Spike chucks Jack off the roof. Jack lands incredibly painfully, back bent over a bench. OUCH! Even though it's Jack - still OUCH!
Ianto goes firstly to Owen and Tosh, which is an odd choice given that he knows Gwen's by herself and given that he's shot Owen himself in his time. Owen, sadly, is pretty much fine again. They all clear off to find Gwen and after much running around, do so (again, with Tosh's absurd Gadget). I'm quite disappointed. They identify the poison with a nifty laptop that I hope, but doubt, is available to NHS hospitals.
Anyway, back at the Hub, turns out the dead Fish has a pyramidy thing that Spike is after in his pocket. Wouldn't Torchwood have emptied its pockets? Whatever. The gang's here, to Spike's surprise: "Pretty and resilient." Spike must have wonky eyes, because only Ianto's pretty, though. Well, and Tosh. Gwen and Owen are odd-looking. What really stuns Spike is Jack showing up. "Now that's impressive," he quavers. It's nice to see a genuine emotion on the show. Jack explains he can't die. Spike's like, no really, and Jack's like, really. Jack has really good teeth as he says FOR THE THIRD TIME that he came back from the people. GOT IT!
Turns out the cannisters contain things that put together will tell him where a diamond is. Erm. Kay. Is it nearly over? Yes. Turns out the dying woman was dying because Spike shot her, and he wants to find the diamond. Spike suggests a 50/50 split, or, randomly, an orgy. He looks directly at Ianto who considers it for a second. It would be funny if it weren't so odd. Spike puts the thingys together (I'm not being deliberately obscure. It really is this weird), and a little hologram of the woman shows up. A bomb attaches itself to Spike, as the DNA of the person who kills her, and will go off in 10 minutes. There's no diamond. Spike handcuffs himself to Gwen. I would be a LOT more worried about this if it were Ianto. Instead, the explosion of Spike and Gwen sounds like Christmas and birthday in one.
Gwen volunteers to take Spike through the rift and explode together and - is this a Christmas special, because that would be AWESOME. Dead AND in a different reality! That's one better than Rose! Anyway, Spike's being annoying in a Torchwood-kind-of-way by hitting on poodles (no, really) as they shoot off towards the carpark where the rift is. Lots of carpark action this episode. Owen and Jack are back in the Hub doing something scientific. Back at the Rift, Ianto is counting down the seconds. Gwen marches them towards the Rift, trying to leave a coherent message for Jack and failing. Jack shows up and injects Spike with blood that alters his DNA, and I am so bored now. The bomb goes off through the rift, and suddenly its night. Brilliantly, for a second, I thought it was a continunity error, but actually they've gone back in time to the beginning of the night.
Spike unlocks himself from Gwen, sensibly. Jack sends Spike packing. Spike kisses Jack, right there in front of Ianto. What a shitty day Ianto has had. The gang are all standing behind Jack in formation, it looks like a promo pic. "By the way," says Spike, as he vanishes through the Rift. "I found Grey." Jack boggles, and flashes back to two hands letting go of each other. "Who's Grey?" asks Gwen. You are, for one, Gwen. Sorry, too easy. Like Gwen! Sorry! Right, moving along.
"It's nothing," says Jack, and they all start walking towards the camera, still in formation, like a flock of well-dressed seagulls. Heh.
Coming Up: Richard Briers, I think. But more importantly - MARTHA JONES! Soon, I hope, because she's the only one can save this for me. Equally excitingly - Ianto kisses Jack! I'm still gutted they didn't sort their act out this episode. Also, Jim from Neighbours/Bradford from Ugly Betty! And the guy that fell overboard in Master and Commander. So, happy days.
All in all - not as painful as previously feared. But the seaside postcard humour can be checked at the door next time in return for some well-judged burns and relationship continuity. Please!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The Slow and the Stupid: Primeval
Okay. I like bad television. This is an absolute fact.
Primeval, to pull an example from the air. Unremitting drivel, naturally. The new series promises to be as mental as the first, best indicated by last week's mystery of the cleaner - pulled injured from the gnashing jaws of a raptor only to be promptly removed from both sight and by extension mind of the entire cast. As for the whole search-for-Claudia (please stop looking), I started watching this week's filled with dread. Well, I stand firmly corrected. Turns out, they DID notice he had vanished, they just elected not to mention it, to further surprise us this week when they turn it into a plotpoint...which, okay, smarter than I thought, but still fairly dumb. Admittedly, not half as dumb as Claudia # 2, who nearly squished the only hotty with a lift after bitching about climbing stairs in heels, to be honest, if someone had just revealed the existence of dinosaurs to me, I would have slightly more important concerns. When the Monster of the Week - an earthworm, and why not? - tried to swallow her ponytail first, I could only applaud its instincts. She drove poor old Cutter to whole new levels of incoherent, self-important shouting.
As usual there were other plotholes - the huge deal that was made of Cutter saving Stephen's ass, even though by the time he laboriously reached Stephen, all the creatures were incapacitated. And why keep the neat twist that after the worms"died", they exploded and began trying to burrow into the skin and all, which was awesome, limited to about thirty seconds of "ew" factor, when it could have been a grandstander? Whatever.
I find it so weird it's sponsored by Haven.
Primeval, to pull an example from the air. Unremitting drivel, naturally. The new series promises to be as mental as the first, best indicated by last week's mystery of the cleaner - pulled injured from the gnashing jaws of a raptor only to be promptly removed from both sight and by extension mind of the entire cast. As for the whole search-for-Claudia (please stop looking), I started watching this week's filled with dread. Well, I stand firmly corrected. Turns out, they DID notice he had vanished, they just elected not to mention it, to further surprise us this week when they turn it into a plotpoint...which, okay, smarter than I thought, but still fairly dumb. Admittedly, not half as dumb as Claudia # 2, who nearly squished the only hotty with a lift after bitching about climbing stairs in heels, to be honest, if someone had just revealed the existence of dinosaurs to me, I would have slightly more important concerns. When the Monster of the Week - an earthworm, and why not? - tried to swallow her ponytail first, I could only applaud its instincts. She drove poor old Cutter to whole new levels of incoherent, self-important shouting.
As usual there were other plotholes - the huge deal that was made of Cutter saving Stephen's ass, even though by the time he laboriously reached Stephen, all the creatures were incapacitated. And why keep the neat twist that after the worms"died", they exploded and began trying to burrow into the skin and all, which was awesome, limited to about thirty seconds of "ew" factor, when it could have been a grandstander? Whatever.
I find it so weird it's sponsored by Haven.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
In the Navy: Hornblower - The Even Chance
My cousin's contribution to the deluge of DVDs received this Christmas. My opinion of Hornblower while watching it on TV was, if memory serves, that it was the prettier, gayer version of Sharpe. I am hoping memory is serving, because that sounds pretty good to me right now.
The most incredibly florid description of the situation in 1793 ("ships and men rot in idleness") tells us things are not great in the Navy. Horatio Hornblower, a freakishly doe-like Ioan Gruffudd, arrives at his new ship. Archie Kennedy shouts at him to jump on: "you'll be all right!" While Archie has correctly identified Horatio as indestructible, here's a little advice to Horatio: Never, ever listen to Archie again. Archie, by the way, is Jamie Bamber, and this is exactly why I have never managed to find him sex on legs in Battlestar Galactica. The eyes appreciate the pretty in that series, but the brain just says: Archie Kennedy. He looks utterly adorable but completely asexual here, all moon-face and sweet demeanor, but ultimately, what a waste of space the character is. "Welcome to Purgatory," he says, with such a huge grin on his face that I wonder if Archie actually knows what Purgatory is.
Archie takes Horatio below (so to speak), and informs him he'll "get used to it". Shouldn't Horatio have been at sea since he was a kid? They were in Master and Commander. Whatever. It's quite novel to see Archie more at ease than Horatio. He even yells at someone who disses Horatio. Except he's got one of those hopeless faces. Oh, Archie. You never stood a chance. To be fair, the crew have been hanging around for 6 months which would suck. Archie hopes the Revolution in France will "come to something". Ya think? "You can't kill a king!" Ya THINK, Archie? Archie goes on that while the peasants are starving, they can't eat the heads of the nobility anyway. Er, shut up. Archie finally stops nattering to introduce Horatio to the somewhat jaded midshipmen, who prove my point by saying he should have started at 12, not 17. Amazing that he's Rear-Admiral by 20, really. Horatio chucks up his guts and looks miserable. Welcome to the Navy, child.
The Capt turns up, and it transpires that he's the spymaster from Sharpe, so television has eaten itself! He tells Horatio that his father was a doctor, and that from now on he must obey orders and do his duty and what the fuck ever else that Horatio presumably knew all of already. "No harm will come to you," the Capt says. How true. It'll come to everyone else you know.
Anyway, the midshipmen sit around in attractive half-light only to be interrupted by Jack Simpson, who has failed his exams so has rejoined them. He boots Horatio out of his seat and eats his food. Archie, looking utterly wretched and about to either cry or be sick, explains that Jack is da Man or, as Jack says, Caesar. Jack orders Horatio to dance, which he does, and Jack orders Archie to wake Horatio every half-hour. It's all a bit weird.
Anyway, halfway through the night, Archie starts fitting in a vaguely convincing manner. Clayton The Nice Midshipman, says he hasn't been fitting since Jack went away. Horatio paws at Archie - so it's situation normal.
Antagonism boils between Horatio and Jack, as conveyed in a few scenes. Horatio is afraid of heights and gets stuck up the rigging. Jack climbs past him and completely ignores him. It is utterly cruel of course but kind of satisfying with it. I mean, what with sea-sickness and vertigo, what the hell is Horatio even doing on the ship? Horatio is better at maths than Jack. Jack gets Horatio over a table, sits on him, and asks him if he likes boys. Horatio, interestingly, doesn't answer, and only kicks off when Jack slurs his mother - the brawling stops when Clayton pulls a gun. Horatio lies to the first officer about the fighting and is tied to the rigging. Well, we all have bad first weeks, am I right?
Clayton suggests to Horatio that he either commit suicide or desert, but in a nice way that's difficult to explain. Horatio wants to beat Jack. Clayton, expertly filling his voice with ominous tones, says the beating is nothing "you don't know...what he is capable of." But Archie does, he doesn't add.
Jack and Horatio are ordered to go a-pressganging on shore. Horatio uses his mad maths skillz to win at cards. Jack kind of accuses him of cheating, and Horatio calls him out.
Back on the ship, again in a flatteringly lit scene, Archie squeals: "A duel? Are you mad?" Archie looks about fifteen. Horatio points out that he'll be rid of Jack either way and that he has an even chance. Archie, Horatio and Clayton stand there looking attractive in their uniforms and contemplating death. "He'll kill you certain sure!" Archie declares. Nice. Archie needn't have excited himself, because Clayton wallops Horatio on the head (this is a mark of great friendship in this episode, as it turns out later), and takes his place to fulfil his honour by taking Jack on. Horatio: so noble it rubs off on other people. Little Archie goggles in the background. Who knew that under that sweet round face lay the sculpted features of Lee Adama? The duellers are both shot, but Clayton more so than Jack.
Horatio rocks up, and poor, bleeding Clayton apologises for not killing Jack. Well, the thought was there. We can't all be Horatios. There's a ruckus in the street and Horatio sends Archie and his fabulously conditioned hair (Maybe it's real, maybe it's Pantene?) to quieten them. Clayton bites it and Horatio wanders off. Archie bounds up and announces "he's dead!" Horatio is like, no shit. Archie, with inappropriate glee, means King Louis. "It means war!" he squeals, joyfully. Nice to see how quickly you get over your friend's death, Arch. Wait until the end of the episode, you little squirt, because what goes around comes around. And don't even look at Series Three.
The joy keeps coming because it turns out the pretty ones are leaving to join the frigate Indefatigable. Horatio tries to get out of it because he's honourable or whatever else, but ends up going. His new captain is the magnificent Pellew, who is Robert Lindsay on full bombast and let me tell you, it's quite the sight. Horatio stares at him adoringly. Finally, he's met someone whose even a bigger windbag! "You've already cost the service two midshipmen," Pellew points out (with considerably more exclaimation points), and orders Horatio to please stop with the shooting. To which Horatio nobly concurs. He has to take on Jack's rabble. Poor, delicate Horatio, having to interact with the lower classes. To be fair, they are hunting rats with their teeth.
Anyway, we finally have some action as they come across a French ship with everyone screaming "FIRE!" Ioan Gruffudd has the biggest mouth I've ever seen in terms of size, but still nearly kills himself trying to shout louder than Jamie Bamber, who seems to have a hefty, if clearly compact, set of lungs in him. We have a brief, but impressive, battle scene that involves Horatio disappearing with a man whose had his leg blown off. He re-emerges to Archie literally squealing "Did you see me? Did you see?....I killed two - well, one certainly! You should have been there Horatio!" His little face is aglow with pride and blood. I have to say, I had entirely forgotton that Archie has latent psychotic tendencies. Anyway, Horatio's won his men over by helping their fellow. You know, Sharpe had to work a LOT harder than that on the Chosen Men. Just sayin'.
We are now in the Bay of Biscay, capturing a food convoy ship full of rice by firing at it. They then give command to Horatio. Were I Horatio, I would already be foreseeing the two problems that will come as total surprises to him shortly. Anyway, as he moseys off, Robert Lindsay effortlessly deafens the entire population for a hundred-mile radius. Listen and learn, boys.
Horatio gets on board, to find the French crew drunk. Sometimes, the actors even remember they are supposed to be French. Horatio is disgusted by their drunkeness, but frankly I can see their point. Matthews, one of the men, kindly helps Horatio out. I have to say, everyone is looking very cold. Horatio is shaking as he looks at his compass and starts talking to it. Cold, or scared, or mad, or maybe all three.
Meanwhile, Horatio has a vision of the firing at the ship, and really, wouldn't Pellew have worked this out already? Anyway, Horatio has a bit of a swim and ascertains that they are, metaphorically and fairly soon literally, sunk. It's a gratuitous shirtless shot of Ioan Gruffudd, but since he doesn't really do it for me, I'm mostly feeling bad for the guy because he looks brutally frozen. Meanwhile, the rice starts expanding, which is the second completely predictable thing, should anyone have given this any thought at all. Also, it's the wrong wind for England. Sucks to be you, Horatio. Just to make things worse, he has to get back in the water to plug the hole. The rats are jumping ship, so Horatio jettisons the cargo. Matthews agrees with the unconvincing-Frenchman that, basically, they're fucked. They jettison themselves, in the lifeboat. Horatio's stockings are remarkably clean.
The Frenchmen want to go to a day jaunt to Bordeaux, to be dropped off and then let Horatio kill himself on the week-long voyage to England on the open-topped boat. Again, I really do see their point. There's a semi-mutiny, and Horatio looks thoroughly bored. He rolls up his map, picks up his compass and throws them both overboard. Who will he talk to now? It was so much smarter than Archie. The Frenchman reckons he can find France anyway - for reference, he cannot. Horatio has managed to lose control of two ships in one day. Anyway, turns out Horatio had marked it wrongly on his map - he says it was a plan to foil the French, or it could be dodgy mapreading on his part. Either way, the Indie turns up and Pellew fishes Horatio out of hassle, for the first but not for the last, time.
The Indie comes across a ship battle in the fog. Horatio spots a sinking British ship, and a French ship sneaking up on them, despite the fact that he's standing right next to Archie, who has failed to spot a damn thing despite nestling an eyeglass. Much chaos ensues. The French ship runs away. "Wherrrrre iiiis sheeeeee?" growls Pellew. A land battery joins in. Pellew decides they should actually run away too. He launches some boats to pick up survivors of the sinking British ship. And who does Horatio fish out, but Jack Simpson. D'OH!
Back on the Indie, Jack is telling a sob story about losing his ship by being harrased by the Papillon. Little Archie is even littler and looks like he's about to cry. Horatio looks sick to his stomach too. Pellew begins to plan Horatio, Archie and Jack to go get the Papillon on a night attack. Both Archie and Horatio have totally stroked out by this point and aren't listening to a thing. Their fear is touching, and would be more so were it not for the fact that Jamie Bamber's eye makeup is distracting.
Archie enters his bedroom, and finds Jack there. "Jack's missed you, boy," he growls, approaching the bed. Archie's terrified. Aw, Archie. He's saved by Horatio (of course!), who walks in. Jack claims they're catching up on old times. "These are new times," replies Horatio. "The boy is mine," he adds, mentally. Archie scurries off after Horatio, and Jack may or may not sniff his bedding.
The encounter is enough to blow Archie's small brains and he has another fit in the boat, on the supposedly covert mission. Really, how is Archie still in the navy? The men keep unhelpfully telling the poor guy to shut up as though he is choosing the timing of these fits, so for the second time this episode, a friend whacks another on the head for his own good: in this case, Horatio and Archie.
They arrive at the Papillon, much crashing and banging. Archie, (who is still flat out in the rowing boat thanks to you know who), is cut adrift by Jack. Horatio clambers up the rigging (struggling with his vertigo - seriously, how DID WE WIN?) and from his vantage point sees Archie floating into the great yonder. Jack then shoots Horatio. In the head. He then falls. From the mast. Into the sea. Unconscious. But this, people, is HORATIO HORNBLOWER, and I refer you to the title of the series, because none of these trials affect him in the least. One of his men dive in after him, the bullet only glanced off his skull, and how he coped with the fall is unexplained. Anyway, he remembers that Jack shot him, and beetles off to tell the first officer. A shot lands that manages to kill everyone around Horatio, but not Horatio. Really, he is Teflon. "The ship is yours," sighs the first officer, dying. There is a brief squabble between Horatio and Jack over who's the ship actually is, but Horatio manages to get everyone to listen to him by force of big brown eyes alone. Hey, it always works for Jared Padalecki, too.
The Indie is battling a ton of French ships, so Horatio sallies in, pretending to be French. You big damn hero. He makes it looks so easy. He just shouts fire over and over and over and over and over again. "My God!" exclaims Pellew. He meets up with Horatio, lists everyone who should have had command before it fell to him, and Horatio has to explain that they are all extremely dead, gone, or, in the case of Jack, in jail.
Pellew advises Horatio against taking Jack on in a duel over whether or not he lied about Jack shooting him. Horatio and Jack decide to fight it out. "I'm going to kill you, snotty," says Jack, ever the wordsmith. He then admits to killing Archie. "Kennedy?" asks Horatio. No, the other one. Duh. And don't sweat it too much over that, by the way.
Anyway, coz Jack is a big dirty cheat he shoots at Horatio before the countdown. The supervisor of the duel gives Horatio a free shot and Jack begs for his life. "You're not worth the powder," says Horatio, walking away. Because Horatio is too noble, and too stupid, to kill him. Jack, of course, makes a lunge for him right then and there with a sword. Lunatic armed with a death wish and a cliche ridden script. Pellew shoots him perfectly from the top of a cliff. You don't touch his boy. Horatio spins around to see who fired, and I swear to God with his Disney-sized eyes and flowing brown curly locks he looks almost exactly like Keira Knightley for a split second. I swear it's true. "Exceptionally fine shot sir, if I may say so," says Mr Bowles. "You may," says Pellew.
Pellew tells Horatio not to fight another duel, since he clearly hasn't the balls for it (he only thinks the last part). "I see something in you, Mr Hornblower," he purrs. "A great future awaits you." Which it does, mainly because of the promotions Pellew bestows on him. Hornblower cries out a few orders, stands on the quarter deck and looks smug. Until the next shit hits the next fan.
The most incredibly florid description of the situation in 1793 ("ships and men rot in idleness") tells us things are not great in the Navy. Horatio Hornblower, a freakishly doe-like Ioan Gruffudd, arrives at his new ship. Archie Kennedy shouts at him to jump on: "you'll be all right!" While Archie has correctly identified Horatio as indestructible, here's a little advice to Horatio: Never, ever listen to Archie again. Archie, by the way, is Jamie Bamber, and this is exactly why I have never managed to find him sex on legs in Battlestar Galactica. The eyes appreciate the pretty in that series, but the brain just says: Archie Kennedy. He looks utterly adorable but completely asexual here, all moon-face and sweet demeanor, but ultimately, what a waste of space the character is. "Welcome to Purgatory," he says, with such a huge grin on his face that I wonder if Archie actually knows what Purgatory is.
Archie takes Horatio below (so to speak), and informs him he'll "get used to it". Shouldn't Horatio have been at sea since he was a kid? They were in Master and Commander. Whatever. It's quite novel to see Archie more at ease than Horatio. He even yells at someone who disses Horatio. Except he's got one of those hopeless faces. Oh, Archie. You never stood a chance. To be fair, the crew have been hanging around for 6 months which would suck. Archie hopes the Revolution in France will "come to something". Ya think? "You can't kill a king!" Ya THINK, Archie? Archie goes on that while the peasants are starving, they can't eat the heads of the nobility anyway. Er, shut up. Archie finally stops nattering to introduce Horatio to the somewhat jaded midshipmen, who prove my point by saying he should have started at 12, not 17. Amazing that he's Rear-Admiral by 20, really. Horatio chucks up his guts and looks miserable. Welcome to the Navy, child.
The Capt turns up, and it transpires that he's the spymaster from Sharpe, so television has eaten itself! He tells Horatio that his father was a doctor, and that from now on he must obey orders and do his duty and what the fuck ever else that Horatio presumably knew all of already. "No harm will come to you," the Capt says. How true. It'll come to everyone else you know.
Anyway, the midshipmen sit around in attractive half-light only to be interrupted by Jack Simpson, who has failed his exams so has rejoined them. He boots Horatio out of his seat and eats his food. Archie, looking utterly wretched and about to either cry or be sick, explains that Jack is da Man or, as Jack says, Caesar. Jack orders Horatio to dance, which he does, and Jack orders Archie to wake Horatio every half-hour. It's all a bit weird.
Anyway, halfway through the night, Archie starts fitting in a vaguely convincing manner. Clayton The Nice Midshipman, says he hasn't been fitting since Jack went away. Horatio paws at Archie - so it's situation normal.
Antagonism boils between Horatio and Jack, as conveyed in a few scenes. Horatio is afraid of heights and gets stuck up the rigging. Jack climbs past him and completely ignores him. It is utterly cruel of course but kind of satisfying with it. I mean, what with sea-sickness and vertigo, what the hell is Horatio even doing on the ship? Horatio is better at maths than Jack. Jack gets Horatio over a table, sits on him, and asks him if he likes boys. Horatio, interestingly, doesn't answer, and only kicks off when Jack slurs his mother - the brawling stops when Clayton pulls a gun. Horatio lies to the first officer about the fighting and is tied to the rigging. Well, we all have bad first weeks, am I right?
Clayton suggests to Horatio that he either commit suicide or desert, but in a nice way that's difficult to explain. Horatio wants to beat Jack. Clayton, expertly filling his voice with ominous tones, says the beating is nothing "you don't know...what he is capable of." But Archie does, he doesn't add.
Jack and Horatio are ordered to go a-pressganging on shore. Horatio uses his mad maths skillz to win at cards. Jack kind of accuses him of cheating, and Horatio calls him out.
Back on the ship, again in a flatteringly lit scene, Archie squeals: "A duel? Are you mad?" Archie looks about fifteen. Horatio points out that he'll be rid of Jack either way and that he has an even chance. Archie, Horatio and Clayton stand there looking attractive in their uniforms and contemplating death. "He'll kill you certain sure!" Archie declares. Nice. Archie needn't have excited himself, because Clayton wallops Horatio on the head (this is a mark of great friendship in this episode, as it turns out later), and takes his place to fulfil his honour by taking Jack on. Horatio: so noble it rubs off on other people. Little Archie goggles in the background. Who knew that under that sweet round face lay the sculpted features of Lee Adama? The duellers are both shot, but Clayton more so than Jack.
Horatio rocks up, and poor, bleeding Clayton apologises for not killing Jack. Well, the thought was there. We can't all be Horatios. There's a ruckus in the street and Horatio sends Archie and his fabulously conditioned hair (Maybe it's real, maybe it's Pantene?) to quieten them. Clayton bites it and Horatio wanders off. Archie bounds up and announces "he's dead!" Horatio is like, no shit. Archie, with inappropriate glee, means King Louis. "It means war!" he squeals, joyfully. Nice to see how quickly you get over your friend's death, Arch. Wait until the end of the episode, you little squirt, because what goes around comes around. And don't even look at Series Three.
The joy keeps coming because it turns out the pretty ones are leaving to join the frigate Indefatigable. Horatio tries to get out of it because he's honourable or whatever else, but ends up going. His new captain is the magnificent Pellew, who is Robert Lindsay on full bombast and let me tell you, it's quite the sight. Horatio stares at him adoringly. Finally, he's met someone whose even a bigger windbag! "You've already cost the service two midshipmen," Pellew points out (with considerably more exclaimation points), and orders Horatio to please stop with the shooting. To which Horatio nobly concurs. He has to take on Jack's rabble. Poor, delicate Horatio, having to interact with the lower classes. To be fair, they are hunting rats with their teeth.
Anyway, we finally have some action as they come across a French ship with everyone screaming "FIRE!" Ioan Gruffudd has the biggest mouth I've ever seen in terms of size, but still nearly kills himself trying to shout louder than Jamie Bamber, who seems to have a hefty, if clearly compact, set of lungs in him. We have a brief, but impressive, battle scene that involves Horatio disappearing with a man whose had his leg blown off. He re-emerges to Archie literally squealing "Did you see me? Did you see?....I killed two - well, one certainly! You should have been there Horatio!" His little face is aglow with pride and blood. I have to say, I had entirely forgotton that Archie has latent psychotic tendencies. Anyway, Horatio's won his men over by helping their fellow. You know, Sharpe had to work a LOT harder than that on the Chosen Men. Just sayin'.
We are now in the Bay of Biscay, capturing a food convoy ship full of rice by firing at it. They then give command to Horatio. Were I Horatio, I would already be foreseeing the two problems that will come as total surprises to him shortly. Anyway, as he moseys off, Robert Lindsay effortlessly deafens the entire population for a hundred-mile radius. Listen and learn, boys.
Horatio gets on board, to find the French crew drunk. Sometimes, the actors even remember they are supposed to be French. Horatio is disgusted by their drunkeness, but frankly I can see their point. Matthews, one of the men, kindly helps Horatio out. I have to say, everyone is looking very cold. Horatio is shaking as he looks at his compass and starts talking to it. Cold, or scared, or mad, or maybe all three.
Meanwhile, Horatio has a vision of the firing at the ship, and really, wouldn't Pellew have worked this out already? Anyway, Horatio has a bit of a swim and ascertains that they are, metaphorically and fairly soon literally, sunk. It's a gratuitous shirtless shot of Ioan Gruffudd, but since he doesn't really do it for me, I'm mostly feeling bad for the guy because he looks brutally frozen. Meanwhile, the rice starts expanding, which is the second completely predictable thing, should anyone have given this any thought at all. Also, it's the wrong wind for England. Sucks to be you, Horatio. Just to make things worse, he has to get back in the water to plug the hole. The rats are jumping ship, so Horatio jettisons the cargo. Matthews agrees with the unconvincing-Frenchman that, basically, they're fucked. They jettison themselves, in the lifeboat. Horatio's stockings are remarkably clean.
The Frenchmen want to go to a day jaunt to Bordeaux, to be dropped off and then let Horatio kill himself on the week-long voyage to England on the open-topped boat. Again, I really do see their point. There's a semi-mutiny, and Horatio looks thoroughly bored. He rolls up his map, picks up his compass and throws them both overboard. Who will he talk to now? It was so much smarter than Archie. The Frenchman reckons he can find France anyway - for reference, he cannot. Horatio has managed to lose control of two ships in one day. Anyway, turns out Horatio had marked it wrongly on his map - he says it was a plan to foil the French, or it could be dodgy mapreading on his part. Either way, the Indie turns up and Pellew fishes Horatio out of hassle, for the first but not for the last, time.
The Indie comes across a ship battle in the fog. Horatio spots a sinking British ship, and a French ship sneaking up on them, despite the fact that he's standing right next to Archie, who has failed to spot a damn thing despite nestling an eyeglass. Much chaos ensues. The French ship runs away. "Wherrrrre iiiis sheeeeee?" growls Pellew. A land battery joins in. Pellew decides they should actually run away too. He launches some boats to pick up survivors of the sinking British ship. And who does Horatio fish out, but Jack Simpson. D'OH!
Back on the Indie, Jack is telling a sob story about losing his ship by being harrased by the Papillon. Little Archie is even littler and looks like he's about to cry. Horatio looks sick to his stomach too. Pellew begins to plan Horatio, Archie and Jack to go get the Papillon on a night attack. Both Archie and Horatio have totally stroked out by this point and aren't listening to a thing. Their fear is touching, and would be more so were it not for the fact that Jamie Bamber's eye makeup is distracting.
Archie enters his bedroom, and finds Jack there. "Jack's missed you, boy," he growls, approaching the bed. Archie's terrified. Aw, Archie. He's saved by Horatio (of course!), who walks in. Jack claims they're catching up on old times. "These are new times," replies Horatio. "The boy is mine," he adds, mentally. Archie scurries off after Horatio, and Jack may or may not sniff his bedding.
The encounter is enough to blow Archie's small brains and he has another fit in the boat, on the supposedly covert mission. Really, how is Archie still in the navy? The men keep unhelpfully telling the poor guy to shut up as though he is choosing the timing of these fits, so for the second time this episode, a friend whacks another on the head for his own good: in this case, Horatio and Archie.
They arrive at the Papillon, much crashing and banging. Archie, (who is still flat out in the rowing boat thanks to you know who), is cut adrift by Jack. Horatio clambers up the rigging (struggling with his vertigo - seriously, how DID WE WIN?) and from his vantage point sees Archie floating into the great yonder. Jack then shoots Horatio. In the head. He then falls. From the mast. Into the sea. Unconscious. But this, people, is HORATIO HORNBLOWER, and I refer you to the title of the series, because none of these trials affect him in the least. One of his men dive in after him, the bullet only glanced off his skull, and how he coped with the fall is unexplained. Anyway, he remembers that Jack shot him, and beetles off to tell the first officer. A shot lands that manages to kill everyone around Horatio, but not Horatio. Really, he is Teflon. "The ship is yours," sighs the first officer, dying. There is a brief squabble between Horatio and Jack over who's the ship actually is, but Horatio manages to get everyone to listen to him by force of big brown eyes alone. Hey, it always works for Jared Padalecki, too.
The Indie is battling a ton of French ships, so Horatio sallies in, pretending to be French. You big damn hero. He makes it looks so easy. He just shouts fire over and over and over and over and over again. "My God!" exclaims Pellew. He meets up with Horatio, lists everyone who should have had command before it fell to him, and Horatio has to explain that they are all extremely dead, gone, or, in the case of Jack, in jail.
Pellew advises Horatio against taking Jack on in a duel over whether or not he lied about Jack shooting him. Horatio and Jack decide to fight it out. "I'm going to kill you, snotty," says Jack, ever the wordsmith. He then admits to killing Archie. "Kennedy?" asks Horatio. No, the other one. Duh. And don't sweat it too much over that, by the way.
Anyway, coz Jack is a big dirty cheat he shoots at Horatio before the countdown. The supervisor of the duel gives Horatio a free shot and Jack begs for his life. "You're not worth the powder," says Horatio, walking away. Because Horatio is too noble, and too stupid, to kill him. Jack, of course, makes a lunge for him right then and there with a sword. Lunatic armed with a death wish and a cliche ridden script. Pellew shoots him perfectly from the top of a cliff. You don't touch his boy. Horatio spins around to see who fired, and I swear to God with his Disney-sized eyes and flowing brown curly locks he looks almost exactly like Keira Knightley for a split second. I swear it's true. "Exceptionally fine shot sir, if I may say so," says Mr Bowles. "You may," says Pellew.
Pellew tells Horatio not to fight another duel, since he clearly hasn't the balls for it (he only thinks the last part). "I see something in you, Mr Hornblower," he purrs. "A great future awaits you." Which it does, mainly because of the promotions Pellew bestows on him. Hornblower cries out a few orders, stands on the quarter deck and looks smug. Until the next shit hits the next fan.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Star Trek the Next Generation: The Pegasus
Troi is showing Picard the children's artistic efforts regarding Captain Picard Day. What Day? Exactly. Is the USS Enterprise actually Stalinist Russia? Troi, who, for some inexplicable reason (she's female?) is in charge of this craziness says that the children look forward to Captain Picard Day every year. These are some bored children. Is Christmas no more? Anyway, we never hear of Captain Picard Day ever again so I'll give them a break. Picard says the children have an inflated idea of him. Riker, sweetly, holds a doll up to his face and says in his best Patrick Stewart: "I don't know, I think the resemblance is rather striking. Wouldn't you say Number One?" Picard quells him with a stare and enquires about Riker's other occupations. Riker: "I'll be on the bridge." Picard watches him go, irritably. Aw. Starfleet cuts across this madness by asking Picard to meet up with the USS Crazy Horse (I am not making this up), at which point someone on board will beam on over, giving the writers an extra thirty seconds to pull a plot out of their ass that doesn't involve building personality cults around their leaders. Starfleet, incidentally, is as bemused as I am by Captain Picard Day, and Picard is as embarrassed as I imagine Patrick Stewart was.
Riker and Picard mosey to the Transporter Room, as Riker pretends he wouldn't love a Commander Riker Day. What-evah. Every day is Commander Riker Day! Admiral Pressman - now famous as Locke on Lost, to everyone apart from me as I don't watch it - beams in and has barely materialised before he's booming "Will!" and slapping Riker on the shoulder. Gosh, I wonder if they've met before. Picard looks on with mild jealousy as Pressman oozes familarity with Riker, and Riker tries not to fall flat over in panic/fear. He vaguely introduces Picard and Pressman. "Of course, you were Will's first commanding officer. On the Pegasus." Says Picard, shaking Pressman's hand warmly and glancing at Will's less-than-thrilled expression in a "ooooh please please please tell me what happened!" way that we have all worn when meeting people our other halves have History with. Pressman looks meaningfully at Riker and says, funnily enough, the Pegasus is rather topical given that it's just turned up again and...duh duh duh....the Romulans know where she is. Riker gives him a look familiar to everyone who has ever accidentally deleted an entire folder on their office shared drive. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
In the Ready Room, Pressman chinwags that he was the Captain of the Pegasus 12 years ago, and Riker was his helmsman. It exploded. That's it, really. Only seven others made it off before the ship vapourised, so comprehensively that nothing was found. Anyway, Starfleet Intelligence now says that the Romulans have found her. Pressman stares at Riker as he says there's something on board the Romulans would love to have. "How so? I'm not on it," Riker thinks. Anyway, they have to find and/or salvage the ship before the Romulans.
Ten-Forward. Pressman and Riker talk about how young Riker looked without a beard. Yeah - hence how you looked so much better, idiot. They talk about possibly finding the "experiment". Riker says he thinks a lot about "it" and wonders if they did the right thing. Pressman says it was for the "good of the Federation" and too bad if anyone disagreed. I'm guessing it was the wrong thing, Riker. Pressman wants to finish the experiment if they find it - Starfleet Intelligence has ordered it. Riker mustn't tell Picard. Riker looks in total despair.
In the Ready Room, Picard is telling Pressman that he chose Riker as First Officer because he once stood up to his Captain. Pressman can't believe he'd be attracted by insubordination. These are different men, people. Do you see? Picard fishes for the inside track on the loss of the Pegasus. Pressman just says how loyal Riker was for obeying "without question". Picard scowls. So it's not just you. He's been a doormat for every captain! The whore!
Geordi finds the Pegasus in - um -an asteroid. They decide to cover it in ionising radiation to confuse the Romulans. Worked for me. Works for the Romulans, too. Pressman and Riker try, unsuccessfully, to gear up tension. Picard chimes in by ordering Data to keep looking for the ship so the Romulans don't get it. Could this be any more boring? Pressman takes Riker aside and bitchslaps him for wanting to destroy the Pegasus. Pressman then sweet talks him by saying it's difficult to keep his friends in the dark but "I hope you understand it's necessary." Riker really doesn't. Pressman bitchslaps him again for talking back and reminds him of Riker's loyalty and duty. "You stood up for what was right...I know I can count on you again." Riker's face says: "Mummy!"
Riker pops in to see Mummy, sorry Picard, to drop off something or another. Picard calls him back and starts reading a report about a mutiny on the Pegasus. Picard at this point could not be scarier. He is full of anger, disappointment and concern. He's so cold. And Riker knows he's all kinds of busted. "Mutiny! On a Federation starship! That's shocking...that's unthinkable." Stares at Riker. "And yet you've never mentioned it." He carries on, saying how classified the report was. Doesn't that kind of explain why Riker never said anything? Picard lists the weirdness, and gets up close to Riker, asking for his version. Riker says he was fresh out of academy, the crew thought the captain was endangering the ship, and they bolted. Picard is all, "Ah-hah! Really, though?" because he has more. The report says that the surviving officers were suspected of withholding evidence, and further inquiry was recommended - but never was. Picard raises his voice now. "What's going on?" he demands. Riker says to take it up with Pressman. Picard wants to take it up with Riker. Finally, Riker essentially points out [I]Admiral[/I]Pressman outranks Captain Picard. Picard looks at this point beside himself. He accepts that he has to trust Riker isn't going to endanger them all for some crazy reason. If that trust is misplaced, Riker is fired. Riker goggles in disbelief.
Riker and Picard mosey to the Transporter Room, as Riker pretends he wouldn't love a Commander Riker Day. What-evah. Every day is Commander Riker Day! Admiral Pressman - now famous as Locke on Lost, to everyone apart from me as I don't watch it - beams in and has barely materialised before he's booming "Will!" and slapping Riker on the shoulder. Gosh, I wonder if they've met before. Picard looks on with mild jealousy as Pressman oozes familarity with Riker, and Riker tries not to fall flat over in panic/fear. He vaguely introduces Picard and Pressman. "Of course, you were Will's first commanding officer. On the Pegasus." Says Picard, shaking Pressman's hand warmly and glancing at Will's less-than-thrilled expression in a "ooooh please please please tell me what happened!" way that we have all worn when meeting people our other halves have History with. Pressman looks meaningfully at Riker and says, funnily enough, the Pegasus is rather topical given that it's just turned up again and...duh duh duh....the Romulans know where she is. Riker gives him a look familiar to everyone who has ever accidentally deleted an entire folder on their office shared drive. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
In the Ready Room, Pressman chinwags that he was the Captain of the Pegasus 12 years ago, and Riker was his helmsman. It exploded. That's it, really. Only seven others made it off before the ship vapourised, so comprehensively that nothing was found. Anyway, Starfleet Intelligence now says that the Romulans have found her. Pressman stares at Riker as he says there's something on board the Romulans would love to have. "How so? I'm not on it," Riker thinks. Anyway, they have to find and/or salvage the ship before the Romulans.
Ten-Forward. Pressman and Riker talk about how young Riker looked without a beard. Yeah - hence how you looked so much better, idiot. They talk about possibly finding the "experiment". Riker says he thinks a lot about "it" and wonders if they did the right thing. Pressman says it was for the "good of the Federation" and too bad if anyone disagreed. I'm guessing it was the wrong thing, Riker. Pressman wants to finish the experiment if they find it - Starfleet Intelligence has ordered it. Riker mustn't tell Picard. Riker looks in total despair.
In the Ready Room, Picard is telling Pressman that he chose Riker as First Officer because he once stood up to his Captain. Pressman can't believe he'd be attracted by insubordination. These are different men, people. Do you see? Picard fishes for the inside track on the loss of the Pegasus. Pressman just says how loyal Riker was for obeying "without question". Picard scowls. So it's not just you. He's been a doormat for every captain! The whore!
Geordi finds the Pegasus in - um -an asteroid. They decide to cover it in ionising radiation to confuse the Romulans. Worked for me. Works for the Romulans, too. Pressman and Riker try, unsuccessfully, to gear up tension. Picard chimes in by ordering Data to keep looking for the ship so the Romulans don't get it. Could this be any more boring? Pressman takes Riker aside and bitchslaps him for wanting to destroy the Pegasus. Pressman then sweet talks him by saying it's difficult to keep his friends in the dark but "I hope you understand it's necessary." Riker really doesn't. Pressman bitchslaps him again for talking back and reminds him of Riker's loyalty and duty. "You stood up for what was right...I know I can count on you again." Riker's face says: "Mummy!"
Riker pops in to see Mummy, sorry Picard, to drop off something or another. Picard calls him back and starts reading a report about a mutiny on the Pegasus. Picard at this point could not be scarier. He is full of anger, disappointment and concern. He's so cold. And Riker knows he's all kinds of busted. "Mutiny! On a Federation starship! That's shocking...that's unthinkable." Stares at Riker. "And yet you've never mentioned it." He carries on, saying how classified the report was. Doesn't that kind of explain why Riker never said anything? Picard lists the weirdness, and gets up close to Riker, asking for his version. Riker says he was fresh out of academy, the crew thought the captain was endangering the ship, and they bolted. Picard is all, "Ah-hah! Really, though?" because he has more. The report says that the surviving officers were suspected of withholding evidence, and further inquiry was recommended - but never was. Picard raises his voice now. "What's going on?" he demands. Riker says to take it up with Pressman. Picard wants to take it up with Riker. Finally, Riker essentially points out [I]Admiral[/I]Pressman outranks Captain Picard. Picard looks at this point beside himself. He accepts that he has to trust Riker isn't going to endanger them all for some crazy reason. If that trust is misplaced, Riker is fired. Riker goggles in disbelief.
They approach the asteroid which the Pegasus ended up in. Not wanting to send in shuttles or teleport, Pressman insists that they take in the Enterprise to a chasm in the asteroid. Picard has a hissy fit, and I see his point as I have no idea why that would solve any of the difficulties, but whatever. Worked for the Millenium Falcoln, if I remember correctly.
None of the crew - apart from Riker and Pressman - seem to have any idea how the Pegasus could have ended up half in a rock. Pressman refuses to allow an Away Team down - only Riker and he are allowed. Picard looks utterly emasculated. This leads to a boring sight of the two of them dondering around in the dark. Eventually, they find "it" intact, and Riker declares that the experiments can't start again, as its against a treaty. They shout at each other for a while about whether or not they are to blame for the deaths of their crewmen. Pressman is like, fair enough, but cram it.
Riker and Pressman return to the Enterprise to find that the Romulans have sealed them into the asteroid. Picard is exactly as fucked off as you may expect. Riker, of course, spills. Turns out it's a cloaking device. Picard is furious, as it controvenes a peace treaty. Pressman takes control of the vessel. Worf refuses to remove Picard from the bridge, because he knows which side his bread his buttered. They decide to use the thing to get through the seal. It works, because Geordi and Data are amazing. Picard places Pressman under arrrest, and Riker places himself under arrest.
Picard goes to visit a very sheepish Riker in the brig. He informs Riker that there will be a full inquiry. Like, I'd hope so. Picard sits beside him. "You made a mistake," he says, and though Will has gained respect, he's lost some. Picard respects him for facing his consequences, and will still be proud to have him as first officer. They leave the brig together.
Picard is love.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
There goes another one
Another year, that is. They have been zooming past quite quickly recently. New Year, new blog and all.
So, back from travelling, and a return to work looming ahead of me, my mother saw fit to buy me a heap of DVDs over Christmas that, I think, more accurately reflect her desperation for grandchildren than my Christmas list. So many Jane Austen adaptations are now on my shelf that I fear I may be in danger of creating some sort of rip in the space/time continuum that will result in an implausibly handsome gentleman bursting through my wall and declaring his love for me. As long as he is wearing a Regency shirt, breeches and boots, as well as a necktie and a forlorn expression, I will absolutely have no problem with this occurence. I am a romantic, really, though, and a big ol' softy so I have succumbed to the inevitable and popped one of them into my (new) player to drain my brain. Happy New Year, one and all.
So, back from travelling, and a return to work looming ahead of me, my mother saw fit to buy me a heap of DVDs over Christmas that, I think, more accurately reflect her desperation for grandchildren than my Christmas list. So many Jane Austen adaptations are now on my shelf that I fear I may be in danger of creating some sort of rip in the space/time continuum that will result in an implausibly handsome gentleman bursting through my wall and declaring his love for me. As long as he is wearing a Regency shirt, breeches and boots, as well as a necktie and a forlorn expression, I will absolutely have no problem with this occurence. I am a romantic, really, though, and a big ol' softy so I have succumbed to the inevitable and popped one of them into my (new) player to drain my brain. Happy New Year, one and all.
It's Like Staring into the Sun: Persuasion 2007
I studied Persuasion at university. I think. I have plenty of time to wonder if I'm thinking of Persuasion or Mansfield Park, as the first ten or twenty minutes of this film is of Anne scurrying around her house as it is packed up, unconvincingly marking things on an inventory. Making an inventory would be a lot easier were it done before everything was in boxes and being covered up, but whatever. As I reach the conclusion that I studied both Persuasion AND Mansfield Park, hence my confusion, Anne's buddy Lady Russell shows up to tell us that Anne's dad and sister, Sir Walter and Elizabeth, are heinous bastards who are so extravagant they must let the house, Kellynch, to pay for their debts. Scandalous! Anne wants to stick around but daddy dearest wants to move to Bath. Shocking! Turns out Sir Walter is, in fact, Giles from Buffy. Hi, Giles! Still haven't forgiven you for bailing out and leaving me with that show, by the way! Anyway, Giles is taking an extreme interest in the vicar's daughter, Mrs Clay. Suspicious looks between Anne and Lady Russell. Judgemental bitches. Er, I mean, what charming ladies.
Mrs Clay's dad announces an Admiral will rent Kellynch. Turns out Giles wants a "gentleman" (as do I, Giles, as do I), and hates the Navy on account of being a snob. Said Admiral will be Admiral Croft. Anne throws a patented Jane Austen freakout and glides away from the company. Lady Russell follows. Admiral Croft is the brother-in-law of Cpt Frederick Wentworth, who Anne wanted to marry eight years ago, but Lady Russell told her not to on account of him being poor and in the Navy (seriously, this is the Napoleonic Wars! You people have every reason to be kissing Naval asses!), and now Anne knows he's rich and assumes he's married to someone else and God what a boring scene. Way to explain the plot, people. Also, if Anne's following his career in the newspapers so closely and knows he's rich now, wouldn't she also know if he were married? Excuse me while I get a cup of tea. Oh before I go, Anne reveals she's 27.
Blah blah blah, Giles is taking Mrs Clay to Bath with Elizabeth, Anne is going to stay with her married sister, Mary. Yawn. Is this EVER going to take off? So! Much! Talking! Where's the dancing? Anne has a little weep over her loveletters. I have a little weep because I don't have any to weep over. Opening Hotmail just isn't the same.
Okay, this is actually a cute scene. Anne is writing her diary, going on in a self-sacrificing manner about how she knows it's too late etc etc "but to be reminded of it by his presence here would, I am certain, be more than my spirits could bear". She suddenly thinks of him bringing his wife and children here and stares down the barrel of the camera in horror. Anne, I so know how you feel. Admiral Croft and his wifey show up, and miss Anne by about an inch. Turns out they know about the engagement but not that it was to Anne. Duhduhduh.
Mary is a hypochondriac. Her husband, Charles, is sweet bu dim. Her sisters-in-law, Henrietta and Louisa Musgrove, are sweet but hyperactive. This is all you need to know. And also? Fred is coming to tea tomorrow! Anne's "shiiiiiit!" face warms me even more to her.
However, Mary's son falls out of a tree so dear, stupid Anne stays home to look after him, denying her - AND US - sight of him. Anne, I had begun to like you. Why must you try me? Next morning, the girls are yakking about the party, and how "even Anne" is invited to Kellynch for dinner, when who should show up but old Fred? He's come to go shooting with Charles. And - good God. Excuse me, I think my retinas are permanently damaged by the dazzling sight of Rupert Penry-Jones in full Regency get-out. I think I forgot to breathe. He's CGI, right? Anyway, Anne's jaw drops and no damn wonder. Christ. Anyway, he spots Anne and...sorry, what? Oh, well he looks kind of, dunno really . Does it matter? He half-smiles at Mary and I get spots in front of my eyes. Then he leaves. Anne has another cry because he hasn't forgiven her. She goes on about feelings, but my feelings are a little less honourable than hers.
Dinner, and Fred smolders away as everyone keeps trying to introduce them, and he says nothing. He's so tall. Yum! Mrs Croft yaks about Fred's friend Cpt Harville, who is at Lyme with Cpt Benwick. "I hope," says my friend Pickles at this point, "I am not going to have to remember all of this?" Anyway, Cpt Benwick's fiancee, Harville's sister, has died. Rupert Penry-Jones deploys his best "Witness as I make this situation entirely ABOUT ME!" face, which serves him so finely as he fights global terrorism on "Spooks". Benwick had to wait to marry while he made his fortune, but now it's "too late". Er, yes. Fred announces he's resolved to settle down, while Anne sits across from him. You evil, magnificent bastard, with your amazingly finely chiselled jaw! "A little beauty, a few smiles and a compliment to the Navy and I shall be lost!" Is that a promise? I fucking love the Navy. Long live it! Come here! Louisa is thinking that too, by the way. He says seriously he values "firmness of mind" above all else. We see him as he basically assassinates Anne's character from the side, from her point of view, and might I add Rupert has spectacular eyelashes. Anne sinks into her seat. I am surprised that having been bored all this time, I am actually feeling genuinely sorry for them both.
The requisite piano-playing scene. Fred watches Anne from afar, and the expression on his face means my heart actually skips a beat. As the camera cuts to Anne looking up, he is gone. Is he Batman? Anyway, Anne plays for the party and they have the feeblest dance I have EVER seen. They prance like startled meerkats. Or maybe there's just too much of Rupert Penry-Jones to dance in a dignified fashion. Whatever.
Next day, Mary tells Anne that Fred told Louisa - or something - that Anne was so changed he wouldn't have known her. Charles is all, he meant it nicer than that. Anne looks unconvinced. The actress playing Mary is very good, but the character is so boring I really can't be bothered with her. Mary and Charles bicker over whether he's going to marry Henrietta or Louisa. Anne, unsurprisingly, doesn't have an opinion. At this point, Fred and the girls show up and they all mission it off to Henrietta's intended's home. Fred flirts quite outrageously with Louisa, and my heart breaks a little for Anne. Louisa is prettier, younger, energetic and you know Anne sees all that, and doesn't blame either of them but still it hurts. Anne takes a tumble off a log, and Fred grabs her from a very odd camera angle. He wanders off, and Charles very sweetly offers to stay with her. I kind of love Charles. She tells him to go on ahead.
Meanwhile, Louisa manages to get Fred alone, and I can only applaud the girl for not launching herself upon him. Instead, she reveals that they all wish Charles had married Anne, not Mary. As does Charles, I don't doubt. Fred has the best boots on here, incidentally. Mary has "too much of the Elliott pride". Hilariously, you see Fred go from taken aback, to assuming a "yeah...see what you mean" expression. Anyway, when Louisa says Anne refused Charles, he rolls his eyes in a melodramatic fashion. Louisa helpfully says Lady Russell persuaded Anne to refuse him, and says she's firm-minded etc etc. Anne, hid behind a tree, looks sad. As well she might. Charles AND Fred? Oh, ANNE.
Admiral Croft turns up with a carriage, and offers Anne a lift home. Anne says it would be too much trouble, and Fred grabs her arm, positively drags her to the carriage and hoiks her up into it like she was five. He would be one of those annoying men that pull you around Homebase even when you are capable of finding the wallpaper by yourself, I think.
More journal writing. Anyway, they are all to go to Lyme to meet Benwick and Harville. Anne tries to get out of it, but no cigar. There's a gratuitous, lingering shot of Fred galloping on big black horse. Oh, yum yum yum.
They turn up on the beach, where Fred embraces Harville and Benwick in manhugs. Harville, has a walking stick and looks pale. When Fred introduces the merry band, he finishes with ..."Miss Elliott". "Miss Anne Elliott?" enquires Harville, with the faintest cheeky smile. Fred gives him a perfect "I am going to KILL YOU" look. I worship Harville, even if it does feel sometimes like he's in an entirely different film. Anyway, over dinner, Benwick all but renders his garments over his lost love. He likes morbid poetry. Anne tolerates his misery relatively well. Of course.
Next day, Harville and Anne are wandering along the Cobb, looking extremely cold and wet. I wouldn't have liked to do the Risk Assessment for this shoot. They discuss Benwick. "Time is a great healer," says Anne, "or so I'm told." A mysterious figure who I happen to know is Mr Elliott because I've seen it before, motors along the top and I really can only think this is either CGI water or everyone signed liability waivers as the cast clamber around on slippery rocks halfway out in the ocean. Fred gives Mr Elliott a "fuck off" look. What a fascinating scene that didn't need to be in this film at all.
William Elliott turns out to be staying at their hotel, and Mary gets in a flap. Will is going to inherit.
Back on the Cobb, in even more treacherous circumstances that I can't bear to watch. Louisa proves my point by crashing to the ground. Fred and Anne to the rescue! Poor old Louisa. Fred tells Charles that Anne should stay in Lyme as she's so fab with the ill and the wretched. Mary throws a fit, so Anne has to get into a carriage with Fred to go back to Louisa's parents. Poor love. Fred relies on Anne's advice. I think we're meant to see the love in this, but really I see someone who needs a bit of common sense. He's smokin' hot but he really is the kind of man who wouldn't be able to programme the VCR. This is probably the reason he's sad when Anne says she's heading to Bath to see her dad. "How will I record Dancing on Ice?" he wonders. Rupert really looks fantastic in a flowing black cape.
So...Bath. Giles and Elizabeth and Mrs Clay are still snobby and boring but wear more interesting clothes. Giles is really overacting shockingly. Anyway, Will has reconciled with Giles, and they all but say Elizabeth is going to marry him. Elizabeth says, quite hilariously, that Mrs Elliott is "dead...quite dead." In walks Will. Tobias Menzies is a marvellous actor and all, but I still think of him as the junkie son that caused so much trouble for Max on Casualty. Sorry, Tobias.
Best scene in the film. Back in Lyme, Fred and Harville are talking about how well Louisa is doing. "She'll make a fine wife," says Harville, randomly. He has a tiny grin on his face all the way through. Fred is all, you think I have intentions for Louisa? Harville establishes that Fred doesn't care for her at all in that way - which, honestly, is a little mean considering how he's behaved towards her. Anyway, Harville then says how disappointed the Musgroves will be as "they talk of little else". Harville, stop yanking his chain. He's so loving this. "Dear God, Harry," gasps poor delusional Fred, "have I been so unguarded, so thoughtless?" Harville, brilliantly, is like, yup: "It would appear that you have." Fred, eyes boggling with horror, realises that he is "bound to her." Harville: "Indeed." I would love to have Harville as my friend in my hour of need. Fred all but howls: WHAT CAN I DO? And Harville suggest running away and hoping Louisa forgets about it, essentially. I love Harville, I wish we had more of him. Anyway, Fred wanders off, and...is that emotion on his face? Good God, I think it is. Rupert makes up for having to be stony-faced throughout by turning his "despair" dial up to 10. I have to say, the weather they are having in Lyme is awful. That wind must have been horrendous to film in. I can't even imagine how distraught the sound recordist was. Welcome to ADR Hell. Population: Rupert Penry-Jones and Joseph Mawle.
Meanwhile, Anne thinks Fred is engaged to Louisa (as does Louisa, natch), and Mr Elliott puts the moves on her. Anne reckons that Will is only interested because he's worried Giles is going to have a son with Mrs Clay and NONE OF THIS MATTERS because I know what happens at the end. There's lots of boring stuff that reveals Anne and Will aren't' kindred spirits. Which we all knew anyway. A letter from Charles says they're all coming for a wedding dress fitting for Louisa. Anne cries, and looks down the camera again. I kind of wish she'd stop doing that, every time she does I mentally hear: "Cut! Re-set!"
Anne turns down visiting some viscountess to go to her old schoolfriend. Anne is a saint. Let's not worry too much about it. She and her dad have a huge fight. We. Get. It. Where's His Hotness gone?
He's right here. On the Cobb. The waves are literally crashing over it now, and they MUST be CGI, because they crash behind him and Harville, and in front of them, but not ON them, so unless some AD is holding back the tide - and crazier things have been asked of ADs - something is afoot. Still, even if the waves are CGI, the spray isn't, and this is our gratuitous wet-hero shot of the evening so let's enjoy it. Both actors look really wet and cold. This shoot would have been so miserable. Louisa has gone home. Fred begins to wail about how he imagined himself indifferent to "her", and Lord what a mess, while Harville looks faintly amused. Harville and Fred must've been a scream on the same frigate together. Fred ploughs on with his self-flagellation. "She's perfection itself!" Harville, with a twinkle, notes that they are now talking of Anne Elliott ("who else?" asks Fred), and asks whether Fred got Benwick's letter, but on Fred goes picturing a visit to Louisa, and Harville's like, dude, the letter says she's marrying Benwick so snap out of it. Harville looks a little sad, because obviously it's his sister's grave Louisa's stamping on ("oooh yeah!" says Pickles), but even he can't maintain it as Fred positively beams. Thud. Harville invites Fred to Bath. They laugh and hug. There's more love there than between Fred and Anne, I'd say.
Lady Russell, persuasive as she is, is talking Anne into marrying Will by floating the idea of being Lady Elliott and owning Kellynch again. It nearly works. Anne is wearing a coat made of material not dissimilar to my grandmother's former curtains. I know Anne isn't supposed to be the prettiest of Austen heroines, but she deserves better than these costumes. Heavens.
Admiral Croft turns up in Bath, turns out Anne is wrong and Louisa is marrying Benwick and not Wentworth! I know, right? It's almost like we've been told this before. Well, we have. Anne's little face beams, and it's certainly nice to see the girl have some good news. It's going to all go to hell again before we're through here, of course, but I'm enjoying the happiness while I can. And just to top it all, Fred is in Bath!
Rupert running through the rain. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching a Gap advert or something. Anyway, damp Fred, resplendent in his necktie and looking just like a dream, comes across Anne in...a building? No idea. Doesn't matter. He's so beautiful. How does Sally Hawkins remember her lines when she's that close to him? He's so tall. Argh. Sorry. Anne somehow gets the conversation going about Louisa and Benwick and they remark on their unsuitability, but they're staring into each other's eyes and smiles and I swear to God, I am shivering he's so gorgeous. Is he REAL? He says that much as he likes Louisa, Miss Harville was superior and Benwick loved her so much: "a man cannot recover from such a passion. He will not. He does not." They are standing sooo close together and staring at each other, and I'm getting dizzy from looking at him on the TV screen so God knows what Sally Hawkins was going through. Anyway, in barges Mr Elliott, taking "dear Anne" away. Anne invites Fred to a concert. You do not see Fred's face, and he says not a word, but you can practically hear him screaming. Anne, for the first time, is vivacious. Oh, dear.
At the concert, Fred comes across the Elliotts, all of whom are staggered. Anne zooms off to meet him, but he is back to being restrained. He says his stay in Bath "depends". "I see," says Anne, but I think she's a big fat liar. He tries to get serious, but at the point Elizabeth shoots by him, nearly taking Rupert's attractive eye out with her hat. Anne and Will go to sit together, as Fred looks on. Admiral Croft says he believes Anne will marry Will, and Fred leaves. Anne, starting to lose all inhibitions, races after him as any red-blooded woman might. "There's nothing here worth me staying for," he says as Will appears. Ouch. He leaves. Will proposes. Anne goggles, but doesn't answer. It's quite boring. Sorry again, Tobias.
The next morning, Anne gets a letter from Fred saying he will call on her. Charles and Mary turn up, but Anne's all a tizz, naturally enough. Charles is adorable. They natter about the girls' marriage. Fred turns up and is accosted by them all at once. I'm almost as worked up as Anne by now. Anne, finally snapping, just shrieks "Captain!" and drags him off. Sensible woman.
He's not there to propose. Instead, Admiral Croft thinks she's engaged to Will and sent Fred to say she should take Kellynch back. He doesn't meet her eye, and his lower lip actually trembles. Oh, baby. Seriously though, Rupert Penry-Jones is impressively agonised here. I usually find him quite wooden in "Spooks", but he comes alive here. Anne says he's mistaken, and there's a tiny smile on his face. SMILE, BOTH OF YOU! They don't, for reasons I don't understand. Anne asks where the rumour came from, and Fred says "As to that..." as Mary crashes in. Was he going to say it was from him? Who knows? Anyway, Lady Russell interrupts, and Fred is a little bitchy about it. Fred leaves, and Anne looks as baffled as me. Where IS HE GOING? Anne races out after him, but is sidelined firstly by the Misses Musgroves, and secondly by her old schoolfriend who basically tells us Will is eeevil. Fred actually IS Batman, because she's about 3 seconds behind him but he's entirely vanished from the street. Anne is as little interested in Will's evilness or not as we are (he's courting Mrs Clay too, to stop her marrying Giles, because he's desperate to become Sir William), and she runs off to find Fred. Instead, she finds Harville, who has a letter from Fred, but Fred himself is off somewhere else. Harville is wearing a fantastic waistcoat that I quite envy. Anne, on the other hand, has a truly hideous velvet collar.
So. The letter. Fred basically declares his love "weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant." Like Yoda, he is. He offers himself to her, despite her "almost breaking his heart" - seriously, he's going to bring it up every argument, Anne, for your whole married life. "Tell me...tell me not that I too late," intones Rupert in the voiceover entirely too melodramatically for my taste. Anne's running this whole time to Admiral Croft, who says Fred's gone to call on her. Long, long, long shot of poor Sally Hawkins running in unsuitable shoes and a long dress on wet pavements. Anne then chooses the less time-honoured approach to her future husband by literally running into him - and Charles. She is completely out of breath and so sweet. Charles, alarmed, begins nattering on about shotguns and so on, as Anne practically hyperventilates. As you would, to be honest. Anne just stares at Fred, Charles leaves, Fred takes off his hat, and Anne says she's "minded to accept" his proposals, and thanks him. Oh, get to it, kids! "I am determined," says Anne, as though leaping into bed with this man is some sort of terrible fate awaiting her. Fred smiles, genuinely, probably for the first time in eight years and then they take about a minute of lips hovering before kissing. It's not a very romantic kiss.
More journal writing. More staring down the camera. Stop it!
Anyway. Some time later. Fred, looking amazing just by the way in a beautiful shirt, shows Anne her wedding present: Kellynch. How does that work? Isn't the whole point that Will doesn't need money, he wants the grandeur of being lord of the manor? Surely he wouldn't sell that grandeur to Fred? And surely Giles couldn't, even if he wanted to, because it's entailed? I don't get it. Unless they're just renting it, I guess. It doesn't matter. God, he's so tall. They both smile broadly and gorgeously, and laugh, and are so happy after two hours of unrelenting misery that I smile, even while pondering the legality of it. They have a supremely romantic kiss, and waltz on the front lawn. I am left in that Jane Austen reverie that wraps itself around you like a warm blanket after spending a couple of hours in her company. It's like a drug, except the effects aren't very longlived. But God, it's nice while it lasts. Oh and by the way: Rupert Penry-Jones, you are a beautiful human being.
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