The Fish is Wired! - Torchwood: Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang

In an effort to prove to us all that this year is the year Torchwood has grown up, we begin with our heroes involved in a car chase with a gun-wielding fish. Jack isn't there, because he's off getting jiggy with John Simm and David Tennant at this point. The fish holds some poor woman at gun point, and correctly identifies Owen as "The doctor with his hands full of blood", Gwen as "the carer with her oh-so-beating heart" (I love that Gwen's attribute is merely a sign of life, and not actually anything special), Tosh as the "technician" and Ianto as "The office boy promoted beyond his measure" which is...true, actually, but massively cruel since Ianto is the only character on this godforsaken show I like (apart from Rhys, whose barely in it). Anyway, the fish goads Ianto about shooting him, the fish gets shot and Ianto hilariously stares at his gun in astonishment. It's not him that fired, though, it was Jack, who has appeared behind them. Sigh. And so it begins.

My question is - why aren't they still in the Himalayas, like we were promised on Doctor Who?

Whatever. Back at the Hub, Jack's easily impressed by the gang's nonsensical orders to one another. Gwen shoves him and bitches him out for leaving them. "We knew nothing!" she shrills. Took the words right out of my mouth. Jack explains he was with the Doctor, and Ianto asks sadly if Jack's going back to him. "I came back for you...all of you," he says. Which is the first, but not the last, time Jack fucks with Ianto's feelings today.

On a rooftop somewhere in Cardiff, in a carpark, I think, Spike from Buffy emerges from a rift. I hated Spike passionately, despite the brilliant: "Taking. A. Walk....Bitch," moment. Spike and Torchwood combining is like Event Horizon for my TV bile. Anyway, he interrupts a mugger whose attacking some hapless passerby. Spike suggests he should leave him alone, and the mugger says "I'm not bluffing!" except I thought he said, "I'm not Buffy!" which made me laugh. But was imaginary. As is often the case with things that make me laugh on Torchwood. Spike throws the mugger off the roof. "I...was never here," he tells the passerby. Would that were true.

Spike wanders into a bar, and tells all the ugly chicks to leave. He then produces a gun, and everyone clears out, pretty or not. Whatever. I hate you, Spike. At least his accent's less offensive here.

The Torchwood gang are blathering over the corpse of the mugger, where they ascertain he fell from the roof. Like, no shit. There's a weird blocking moment where Gwen steps backwards and nearly falls over Jack. Bizarre. Gwen thanks Andy, the cop, for letting them in the crime scene, and they have a little banter about whether it's "spooky." As Gwen leaves, Andy bitches: "Thank you, Andy. You're welcome, Gwen," even though Gwen thanked him about ten seconds earlier. You know what would be great? I've got used to Torchwood having zero script continuity from one episode to the next, but it would be fab if we could have script continuity WITHIN THE SAME SCENE.

Jack's wristwatch does an R2D2 and reveals a message from Spike. It really is a ripoff from Star Wars, which will be acknowledged but still doesn't make it right. Spike admits the crime scene was all him, to bill him from the cleanup, and tells Jack to meet him at the coordinates given for a drink. "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!" he Princess-Leias. It's quite funny in a lazy sort of a way. Jack bolts, taking the car and ordering the gang not to follow him. Tosh announces she can track him, and Ianto grabs a taxi. Tosh's Gadget-For-All-Seasons is annoying me. Did she have it in the first series?

Jack and Spike meet, kiss and fight. It's boring. And set to Song 2 - why choose a song that's ten years old? Don't get it. Meanwhile, the gang are on their way, bitching about how Jack keeps everything for them. "More fun when he's around," remarks Ianto, and they all agree. It's more fun when you're around, Ianto.

Jack and Spike, it's revealed, are exactly alike. They drink together. They're both Time Agents, but the Time Agency has been shut down, Spike says, there's only 7 agents left. Christ, we've just been through all of this with the Doctor and the Master. Russell T Davis, if you're that short of inspiration, stop creating spin-offs, okay? The gang show up. Spike asks what the team name is. Torchwood. "Not Excalibur?" he says. No, because this isn't SG-1. Unfortunately. (It's not often I say THAT.) "We were partners," explains Spike. "In what way?" demands Ianto, immediately. Like, Ianto, too needy, mmkay? "Every way," oozes Spike, and they bicker about who was the wife. Jack was totally the wife. They also bicker over the size of their wristwatches, which is almost exactly the same as the banter the Doctor and the Master had over their laser and sonic screwdrivers. Meh.

Spike reels off some story about a dying woman who was working on radioactive clusterbombs, which are now in Cardiff about to radiate all over everyone. It doesn't make any sense, but then it's a lie, and it's Torchwood, so it doesn't matter. Back at the Hub, Tosh as found the bombs' locations. If it weren't for Tosh, they would be dead seven different ways every week.

Profoundly odd scene, in which Jack comes on strong to Gwen, saying he belongs back with her, then finds out she's engaged to Rhys (poor Rhys!) and acts incredibly sketchy. Firstly - ew. Gwen. Secondly - are we meant to think there's something between them? What about Ianto? Christ, Gwen and Jack deserve each other, the hos. Yeuch. Gwen goggles at him, like, you weren't here, and I'm like, What. The. Fuck?

Group meeting where Gwen decides that Gwen and Spike, Owen and Tosh and Jack and Ianto are going to go find the three capsules in three teams, as splitting up always works out splendidly. Jack gets dickish with Gwen over giving orders, before telling her to a) don't believe Spike b) keep Spike in front of her c) don't let him kiss her. Gwen gets shirty at this last one, even though she's copped off with every male character on this series apart from Ianto, whose gay. So shut up Gwen, you cheap bitch.

Gwen and Spike are in a container yard. Rhys rings to say he's got a new job, it's of no consequence apart from Rhys is such a sweet character. Long story short: Gwen a)believes Spike that Jack is a sketchy character, b) lets him go into a container behind her and c), lets him kiss her. Nice one, genius. Naturally it turns out Spike has paralysing lip gloss on, which means in 2hrs her organs will shut down. He locks her in and throws away her phone. Well played, Spike, well played. I haven't been this pleased with you since you thumped Buffy. Couldn't you have got a faster-acting lipgloss, is my only question.

Owen and Tosh are in a scrapyard someplace. Cardiff, presumably. They have a strange conversation about they're both looking for a woman who understands them or something. Not in the scrapyard, in general. Whatever. Owen is less vile than last series, is all I can say. Spike shows up and shoots Owen. I'm beginning to think Spike is a fictional manifestation of myself.

Jack and Ianto are in an office. Jack is his annoying self talking about shagging in an office - I don't know. Ianto is all, "shut up. The thingy is either in the office or on the roof." Essentially. Jack looks at him and asks as sincerely as Jack can: "How are you, Ianto?" Ianto: "All the better for having you back, sir." He says this briskly, not looking at Jack and sort of vaguely opening drawers. Jack asks if they can "drop the sir." Jack says that while he was away he was wondering if Ianto would go out for dinner and movie with him. I have difficulty believing Ianto even crossed Jack's mind. Ianto wonders if Jack's asking him on a date, Jack asks if Ianto's interested. Ianto: "Only if it's not in an office." Fair enough, I think. He says he'll check out this floor, and Jack should go on the roof. Again with the splitting up! Ianto wonders why they're helping Spike, and Jack says Spike's a reminder of his past, and he wants him gone. He asks if "that was a yes." Ianto snaps irritably, "Yes. Yes." Jack grins and leaves. Aw. They are sweet when they're together.

Spike shows up and boots Ianto at gunpoint into a lift, telling him to go and save the other gang. It would've been a lot more interesting to see Jack see that, but he doesn't. Spike calls Ianto "eye-candy." Why is everyone so mean to Ianto? Spike says that "the only consolation is money." What the fuck ever.

As Ianto zooms off to save his worthless colleagues, Spike surprises Jack on the roof with: "Rear of the Year, 1594. Still looking good." I really hate these stupid jokes. Write a decent script, and you don't need them. Spike wants the third and final cannister. Jack's all "if you've harmed Ianto..." Spike: "He's pretty but stupid. You used to have better taste." Jack: "Doesn't look like it from here." Woohoo! That's a goal! Spike just wants Jack to join him in the old routine, and blathers on about sparkling planets or some such shit. Jack doesn't see why he'd want that when he has Cardiff. Um. Jack chucks the cannister off the roof, so Spike chucks Jack off the roof. Jack lands incredibly painfully, back bent over a bench. OUCH! Even though it's Jack - still OUCH!

Ianto goes firstly to Owen and Tosh, which is an odd choice given that he knows Gwen's by herself and given that he's shot Owen himself in his time. Owen, sadly, is pretty much fine again. They all clear off to find Gwen and after much running around, do so (again, with Tosh's absurd Gadget). I'm quite disappointed. They identify the poison with a nifty laptop that I hope, but doubt, is available to NHS hospitals.

Anyway, back at the Hub, turns out the dead Fish has a pyramidy thing that Spike is after in his pocket. Wouldn't Torchwood have emptied its pockets? Whatever. The gang's here, to Spike's surprise: "Pretty and resilient." Spike must have wonky eyes, because only Ianto's pretty, though. Well, and Tosh. Gwen and Owen are odd-looking. What really stuns Spike is Jack showing up. "Now that's impressive," he quavers. It's nice to see a genuine emotion on the show. Jack explains he can't die. Spike's like, no really, and Jack's like, really. Jack has really good teeth as he says FOR THE THIRD TIME that he came back from the people. GOT IT!

Turns out the cannisters contain things that put together will tell him where a diamond is. Erm. Kay. Is it nearly over? Yes. Turns out the dying woman was dying because Spike shot her, and he wants to find the diamond. Spike suggests a 50/50 split, or, randomly, an orgy. He looks directly at Ianto who considers it for a second. It would be funny if it weren't so odd. Spike puts the thingys together (I'm not being deliberately obscure. It really is this weird), and a little hologram of the woman shows up. A bomb attaches itself to Spike, as the DNA of the person who kills her, and will go off in 10 minutes. There's no diamond. Spike handcuffs himself to Gwen. I would be a LOT more worried about this if it were Ianto. Instead, the explosion of Spike and Gwen sounds like Christmas and birthday in one.

Gwen volunteers to take Spike through the rift and explode together and - is this a Christmas special, because that would be AWESOME. Dead AND in a different reality! That's one better than Rose! Anyway, Spike's being annoying in a Torchwood-kind-of-way by hitting on poodles (no, really) as they shoot off towards the carpark where the rift is. Lots of carpark action this episode. Owen and Jack are back in the Hub doing something scientific. Back at the Rift, Ianto is counting down the seconds. Gwen marches them towards the Rift, trying to leave a coherent message for Jack and failing. Jack shows up and injects Spike with blood that alters his DNA, and I am so bored now. The bomb goes off through the rift, and suddenly its night. Brilliantly, for a second, I thought it was a continunity error, but actually they've gone back in time to the beginning of the night.

Spike unlocks himself from Gwen, sensibly. Jack sends Spike packing. Spike kisses Jack, right there in front of Ianto. What a shitty day Ianto has had. The gang are all standing behind Jack in formation, it looks like a promo pic. "By the way," says Spike, as he vanishes through the Rift. "I found Grey." Jack boggles, and flashes back to two hands letting go of each other. "Who's Grey?" asks Gwen. You are, for one, Gwen. Sorry, too easy. Like Gwen! Sorry! Right, moving along.

"It's nothing," says Jack, and they all start walking towards the camera, still in formation, like a flock of well-dressed seagulls. Heh.

Coming Up: Richard Briers, I think. But more importantly - MARTHA JONES! Soon, I hope, because she's the only one can save this for me. Equally excitingly - Ianto kisses Jack! I'm still gutted they didn't sort their act out this episode. Also, Jim from Neighbours/Bradford from Ugly Betty! And the guy that fell overboard in Master and Commander. So, happy days.

All in all - not as painful as previously feared. But the seaside postcard humour can be checked at the door next time in return for some well-judged burns and relationship continuity. Please!