Daddy's Blunt Little Instrument: Supernatural - Dream a Little Dream

Previously on Supernatural: Dean and Sam had bad stuff happen to them. Constantly. Without end. Frankly, hell is going to be a letdown for Dean.

Tonight's fun and games begin with Bobby asleep in a hotel bed. Quite a chintzy and decidedly atypical-for-Supernatural hotel room. Well, he's not so much asleep as in a coma, but whatever. Meanwhile, we see flashbacks of him in a violent and extremely loud fight with a woman. Back in the hotel, the chambermaid frantically shakes him and shouts desperately at him to wake up. When I worked in a hotel, my friend walked in on a dead guy, took one look and ran straight out again, screaming blue murder and scaring us all half to death. Point is, I think that's a more likely reaction.

Crappy new credits. Meh. Sam's getting drunk in a bar which bears a resemblence to Ellen's roadhouse, but isn't, God damn it. Anyway, Sam informs Dean that he's getting drunk at 2 in the afternoon and picking up girls, although Dean points out a) Sam doesn't drink whiskey b) there aren't any girls. Sam, deciding that any time is a good time to throw Dean's impending doom into the conversation, bleats: "I tried. I tried to save you." Dean looks sad and sits down. Yeah. Poor wickle Sammy. Oh, wait. He's the one that isn't facing hellfire, isn't he? Dean orders whiskey and tells Sam he's drunk, as Sam declares he's "beginning to think no one can save you." Like, NICE one little brother. God! Dean accepts that this is true, rather than ramming his fist down Sam's throat. Sam, looking victimised and bitchy, says "you don't want to be saved. How can you care so little about yourself? What's wrong with you?" Dean finally looks fucked off by this last bit, and Dean, HIT HIM NOW. Except he doesn't, because his phone rings.

Dean and Sam stand by Bobby's bedside looking annoyed that this scene isn't about their personal pain. The doctor says he's "perfectly healthy" apart from the coma thing. "We don't know what's causing it, so we don't know how to treat it. He's just going to sleep, and then wake up." Sounds exactly like NHS Direct advice to me.

At Bobby's unlikely hotel room, Sam's wondering what he's doing in Pittsburgh apart from having "a really lame vacation." Uh - cheap shot, guys. But, okay. Dean's staggered there isn't even "a pizza box or beer can" in the room, much less signs of research. Except it's in the cupboard. Dean's impressed by this, I just can't work out why the boys aren't as careful. Also, Dean? There's such a thing as a wastepaper basket. They find an obit of a neurosurgeon who had what Bobby had. Sam sticks around to examine the research, Dean heads off to find out more about Doctor Death.

The Doc's lab assistant chinwags to Detective Dean, and sends him packing. Dean threatens to make it "official", and the assistant spills about the doc's sleep experiments. She gives him the research, and he motors off to find one of the participants, a spacedout young man. Said young man can't dream. The doc gives him yellow tea, which makes him have a "super intense" dream. He dropped out. "It kind of scared me."

Back in the hospital room, Sam introduces Dean to dreamroot, an African thing that you eat, along with someone's DNA, and then "if you believe the legends, it's used for dreamwalking, entering someone else's dreams, messing about in their heads..." Dean: "I take it we believe the legends?" Sam: "When don't we?" When it's angels and unicorns, I think you'll find. With enough of it, you become "a regular Freddy Krueger," able to kill people in their dreams. Sounds awesome. Is it available on eBay? Poor Bobby's having a humdinger of a nightmare being chased by this crazy woman, as they wonder about suspects. As Sam laments their inability to talk to Bobby about their problems, Dean decides to do just that, via "tripping on some dreamroot." Sam bitches that they don't know what's in there, and they don't have any dreamroot. But hey, Bela will have it. Oh goody, goody gumdrops. Bela.

In Bobby's Unlikely Hotel Room, Bela turns up to Sam's non-delight. She's wearing a mac, and says she turned up for Sam. She reveals a negligee beneath said mac and gives Sam a smacker. Is this's Sam's nightmare, Bela's, or mine? They go to it. This is definately my nightmare. But it's Sam's dream, as Dean wakes him up. Ew, please no love interest. "You were making some serious happy noises." He asks who Sam was dreaming about. "Angelina Jolie? Brad Pitt?" Heh. Anyway, Dean says Bela won't help them. Yay!

Boo! Bela shows, and Sam's brilliantly sheepish. Hee. She says she's doing it for Bobby . "I screwed up and he saved me, okay?" She demands. She then invites herself along for the trip, Dean says no, Bela leaves. "Nice s-s-seeing you," stammers Sam. Okay, Sam's making up for a bad start. Dean cottons on, and looks freaked. I don't like her, Dean, but even I'll admit she's hot.
Dean and Sam brew up African dreamroot and Bobby's hair. Nice. Or not, judging by their expressions. Sam: "when did it start raining?" Dean: "when did it start raining upwards?" isn't that from somewhere? Anyway, they end up in Bobby's house, only tidier. Man, I dream of a tidy house, too. Sam goes outside to look for Bobby. The door slams shut behind him and he's now cut off from Dean. Have these guys ever SEEN an episode of Supernatural before? Or The X-Files? Dean can't hear Sam's yells inside. He finally comes across a very freaked Bobby. Bobby knows nothing about dreamroot, Dean explains it's all a dream. But a very real, yet very ghostly, blood splattered woman is approaching: "it's my wife," explains Bobby.

She's pissed off because Bobby repeatedly stabbed her to death. Like, fair play, really. "How could you?" She asks. Quite simple: "You were possessed baby, you were rabid." Niice. Anyway, Bobby explains he didn't know what to do then. "If you'd loved me, you would have found a way!" she screams. Man. What a guilt trip.

Meanwhile, Sam is outside, in an Ariel commercial, or at least so it appears from the floating white linen on the washing line. This sylvian mood is abruptly broken by Dreamless Young Man taking a baseball bat to him. I have to say, Sam kind of deserves it. Dreamless Young Man insists that Bobby was hunting him down. Sam believes this may be to do with Dreamless Young Man's homicidal tendencies. Dreamless Young Man is unfazed. "Here you're an insect. I'm a god," he says. Sam's all, whatever - have you SEEN my face?

Back in the house, Mrs Bobby is doing a Jack Nicholson-Shining style on the door, behind which Dean is proclaiming to Bobby that "your house, your wife, is a nightmare!" No one spares feelings in this episode. Dean keeps on with the episode recap, but Bobby's still mooning over the murdered wife thing, and tells Dean to leave him alone so he can be murdered too. Or something. Jesus, this show is a bundle of fun. Dean grabs hold of him, voice breaking, "I'm not going to let you die! You're like a father to me!" Dude. Issues! "I'm dreaming?" enquires Bobby. Me and Dean: "YES!"

The wife stops screaming. As Dean and Bobby stick their noses out, and she's gone. Bobby can't believe it. Dean's all, would you wake up? Outside, Dreamless Young Man goes to hit Sam again. Sam, Dean and Bobby wake up. The end. Or not.

In the hospital, Dean begins fishing for the deal with Bobby's wife. Jensen Ackles looks really, really pale in this episode. I know everyone always looks washed out on this show, but seriously. Boy needs to eat his vegetables. "Everybody gets into hunting somehow," sighs Bobby. Did it have to be in the same way as John, though? How about variety? Bobby thanks Dean for saving him.

Sam appears, and says Deamless Young Man's skipped off. Turns out Dreamless Young Man is a genius, whose father used to beat him with a baseball bat. He died when DYM was a kid. Is anyone else reminded of that Buffy episode where everyone has to live their nightmares because a kid was beaten to a coma by his baseball coach? Just wondering.

Anyway, DYM got Bobby's DNA - and therefore into his head- because he offered him a drink and Bobby accepted. "Dumbest thing," sighs Bobby. Dean: "Not that dumb." Sam: "Dean, you didn't!" Me: "I didn't even mention that Dean drank with DYM in their first scene together, because I am as stupid as Dean." "That's great!" snaps Sam, "Now he can come after either one of you!" God, Sam, sorry if that's an inconvenience for you.

They decide they have to hunt him down, and can't sleep until they do. Two days later, Dean's getting mad. Sam wonders if he should be driving. Really, cram it, tragedy magnet. Bobby rings to check in, the last lead (a strip club) has been exhausted. Dean: "Goddamn it Bobby!" Bobby, drawling: "Don't yell at me, boy! I'm working my ass off here." Hah! Dean apologises. Bela is with Bobby, she doesn't have anything. "I'm just going to blow my brains out now!" bitches Dean, and hangs up. Brat.

Bobby asks Bela why she's helping him. Bela reminds him of Flagstaff. What the fuck ever.

Dean pulls the Impala up in one of those quintessential dark, treelined roads once frequented by Mulder and Scully, now the natural habitat of the Winchester brothers. Is there just the one just outside of Vancouver? Dean decides to take a nap and take on DYM in his head. Sam snatches some of his hair. Dean objects to Sam entering his head. I wouldn't like it, and I don't have half the shit that Dean has. I think Jensen Ackles probably had a cold - he's still pale here, but his nose is redder. Anyway, they go to sleep.

And wake up in the Impala. They take a wander in the woods, where a creepy version of "Dream A Little Dream" is playing. They come across that girl who Dean thought he may have knocked up 9 years ago to produce proto-Dean. She greets him, in that glassy-eyed way the unreal have on TV, and reminds him about proto-Dean's football practice while laying out a picnic. "I've never had this dream before," Dean completely unconvincingly tells Sam. I begin to sniffle. Sam begins to walk towards him, probably as moved as I am. "Stop looking at me like that," says Dean, without looking at him. "Sorry," says Sam sincerely. I sniffle some more. Whatever you say against those two, they do make very good brothers.

"Dean." Says the girl, "I love you." She says it in this completely vacant way, like Dean has never heard a girl say it to him before. Dean's heart breaks in two, and though you can't see his face, Sam's does too. Anyway, the girl vanishes. That's how we do romance on Supernatural, kids! They see DYM lurking in the woods, and chase him, but get seperated. Oh, boys.

Dean's suddenly in a house. He finds...another Dean! Woohoo! And this one isn't homicidal! I love that the show keeps replicating Dean in a Battlestar-Galactica-stylee manner. Anyway DeanTwo has got a face on. This scene forcefully reminded me of Dark Angel, it's something about the lighting, camera angles and Jensen Ackles evil face. The conversation between the Deans takes place entirely in head shots, which is jarring and quite a strain on the Ackles' acting, but he shapes up okay.

"Aren't you a handsome son of a gun," observes DeanTwo. Like, yeah. Why do you think I watch this? "I get it. I'm my own worst nightmare," self-pities RealDean. He blathers something about Superman 3, of which, I'm relieved to say, I am completely ignorant. "Talk all you want, smartass," says DeanTwo. "I know how dead you are inside." Good heavens. We ALL know that. Sam "All About Me" Winchester even knows that. "How worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror and hate what you see." He's the only one. "You're not real," says RealDean. DeanTwo's like, sure I am. I'm like, WHATEVER. RealDean tries snapping his fingers to make DeanTwo go, but "I'm not going anywhere." Okay, really, we know Dean is full of self-loathing. Is this really necessary? DeanTwo produces a gun.

Here's where I'm confused. Sam wakes up in the Impala, but it's DYM next to him, not Dean. DYM whacks Sam again. I applaud the sentiment, so will carry on despite my confuzzlement. "You're a psycho!" Sam correctly identifies. DYM explains the doc got him hooked on the root, and took it away. "Do you know what it's like not to dream?" asks DYM and funnily enough, I do, because I have never in all my life remembered any dream whatsoever. So I have little sympathy for going bonkers over it, sorry, DYM. I'm perfectly sane. I think. I certianly don't take baseball bats to people on a regular basis. DYM just wants to be left alone to dream, and manages pins Sam to the ground with honking great camping pegs while standing above him with a bat. Damn it, Demon Prince, what the fuck?! DYM explains he's getting stronger, but the Winchesters aren't going to wake up. Kid, they live a nightmare anyway. It's really not going to make much difference.

Elsewhere, DeanTwo is blathering on about RealDean not being bothered about dying. "It's not really a life worth saving, is it?" ponders DeanTwo. Is DeanTwo a fanfic writer? He's lust for torturing Dean certainly suggests he may be. "You've got nothing outside of Sam. You are nothing. You are as mindless and obedient as an attack dog." But here's the killer. RealDean juts out his jaw and assumes an agonising, almost maternal, upbeat: "That's not true." It's exactly the tone a mother uses to a pained child, except Dean's using it to himself. Tears in my eyes, and no joke. Seriously, nice one, Jensen Ackles. "Your car, that's dad's. Your favourite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought?" Ouch ouch ouch. Dean's issues just stopped being a subject of mockery for me, right there. RealDean is actually rendered speechless and tries to laugh it off, but can't make a sound. Dean! Dude!

DeanTwo says all that's left his John's voice telling him to look after Sam. He says that all John did was train up Dean, but Sam he loved. RealDean's struggling here. "Dad knew who you were," mused DeanTwo, "a good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care if you lived or died. Why should you?" RealDean finally snaps and throws him to a wall.

Just a break to say that that last line really didn't work for me. Didn't the whole going to hell thing sort out that John did care whether Dean died?

"My father was an obsessed bastard!" Smack! "All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam! That was his crap! He was the one who couldn't protect his family!" Thump! "He was the one who let Mom die! Who wasn't there for Sam...I don't deserve what he put on me! And I don't deserve to go to hell!" Bang! Dean's shot his other self. Thank God.

Sam's still being beaten by the baseball stick. I think it isn't DeanTwo whose the fanfic writer, I think it's the scriptwriter.

As RealDean examines DeanTwo, DeanTwo suddenly snaps forward with the black demon eyes. It's actually quite shocking. "This is what you'll become!" he yells. Nooo!

Sam and DYM are confusing me by both being in each other's head at once. Or maybe it's that Sam's in Dean's head, and so is DYM, but Sam is also in DYM's head? Whatever. Sam conjures up DYM's baseball wielding father. Amusingly, for a second I thought it was John Winchester. Bad fathers all look alike to me. Sam beats up DYM, Dean beats up DemonDean; both awake in the Impala. Jensen Ackles really looks dog rough. Poor guy.

Back in the hotel, Bobby wonders if Sam managed to conjure up the dad by his psychic abilities. Sam doesn't think so. I don't care particularly. Bobby dismisses the thing in Flagstaff with Bela as nothing. Interesting. Dean's looking for Bela, and Bobby advises checking their pockets. "Not literally," he growls in despair as they do just that. The boys instead check thier safe, to find that their beloved Colt has gone. I love how they carefully articulate "Colt" to prevent mishearings. "We're going to hunt the bitch down!" announces Dean. Must you? Couldn't you go and find Ruby and steal her dagger instead? It works much better than the Colt, and Ruby seems to actually have some narrative point.

In the car, Dean wonders what Sam saw in Dean's head. Nothing. Sam asks what Dean saw. "Nothing," lies Dean. And then we go into an exchange which sums up why I adore this programme. The tone is completely casual throughout, understated, offhand:
Dean: I've been doing some thinking and...the thing is, I don't want to die. I don't want to go to hell.
Sam: All right, yeah. We'll find a way to save you.
Dean: Okay, good.

I love this show.

We end with a quick flash of DemonDean and RealDean clicking his fingers with a sexy smile. I'm wondering if DemonDean may become a fixture. After all, if Ruby can retain some humanity, why not Dean? It'd be like Randall and Hopkirk Deceased, only cool.

Nice one, Supernatural. I liked.

Babysitting-Induced Stockholm Syndrome

The nightmare has come true. I just sang along with Hilary Duff. The niece is round, so Hilary is a vast improvement on Miley Freakshow Cyrus, who I actually hate far more than I ought, given I don't know her. Of course, Hilary is not quite as good as High School Musical, largely due to the absence of the laugh-a-minute that is Zac Efron. Watching Mr Efron valiantly attempt to act, sing and dance when it is painfully clear none of the above come naturally to him, combined with making a bash at appearing sexy (in the wholesome Disney way) is simply one of the most entertaining things committed to film in the last century or so. Excellent. My older brother, the niece's father, lumps Efron with the vile Cyrus, a gross offence to Zac. "They're both awful," he says, which is true, but Cyrus is just a nasty little piece of work whereas Zac seems okay, or at least not driven by a mad desire to be the most popular kid in the schoolyard, which seems to be Miley's weird ambition. Also, no one who unironically wears that haircut can be all bad.

This isn't right. I appear to be gradually accepting the next generation's tripe. I haven't even reconciled myself to MY generation's tripe yet.

Please Don't Go: Characters I Love

I knew the stress was getting to me today by the fact I was nearly moved to tears by Hollyoaks. I love Hollyoaks, and won't hear a thing against it, delightfully naff and wilfully histrionic as it is. I mean, I would hate to know most of them, but they're kind of entertaining to watch. But the fact is, now the lovely OB is going, I feel like I'm left in a room with a bunch of shouty idiots. OB, I beg of you, come back to me.

There a few characters on television which I am ashamed to say I actually truly love - or rather, I love them as you can only love a fictional being. Perhaps the closest comparision in real life is the unconditional adoration you can offer a pet. Personally, I have never been particularly moved by pets - given that my childhood ones were exclusively hamsters - but I absolutely believe my sister loves her dog more than she loves us, and my mother still gets misty-eyed over her dog, who died before any of us were born, and I think, before she was even married. A good thirty years ago, anyway.

So, yes, I love OB. I do. And the thought of him leaving actually grieves my heart, because to all intents and purposes, OB is now dead and this is terrible. I think it is even worse because the real nub of the matter is that the OB/Max/Tom dynamic was the best and possibly the only reason to watch Hollyoaks, as it leant the show a beating heart, true affection and I could gush about them all day, but I won't. Anyway, that little oasis of genuine emotion (not always positive emotion, given the recent Clare debacle and the Simon thing, but always genuine) is well and truly dried up now. The writers have tried to destroy it with every storyline going, but this is the final straw. Especially now Max is with the awful Steph, who, it turns out, was only amusing when paired with the equally awful Darren - together their downright malevolence was fantastic, but with the sweetness and light that is the Cunningham/O'Brien setup it just seems jaded and unpleasant. Oh, God, OB, don't go.

I feel a golden age has closed on Hollyoaks, taking with it all memories of the once-glorious nonsense and leaving behind a slough of despond. Perhaps this is because I grew up with along with OB, so naturally his youthful hijinks are inextricably tied up with memories of the halcyon, timeless days of my own youth...which I clearly spent watching TV. Well, anyway, times change I suppose. Max, for one, is still busking on a time long, long ago when I distinctly recollect I loved him, though I have no idea why that would be the case now. When Summer persuaded OB to leave Hollyoaks, she painted it as a dreary, desolate graveyard of hopes and dreams where everyone are underachievers and unhappy. And you know what? It's true. I remember when the show began, I wanted to move to Hollyoaks. Now, even watching it on TV is a little too close sometimes.

So, off OB trots into a future that likely includes oblivion or, alternatively, The Bill, taking with him the happy memories of the good old days of the feud with Jambo, the time Max, OB et al went potholing and half of them died, the time OB's girlfriend died, the time Max's girlfriend died, the time Max's dad died, the time Max's sister died, the time Max's niece died...adieu. You have been a good friend to Max, Tom and I. I'll miss you greatly. They'll probably forget you in two weeks, though. If OB is never mentioned again by either of them, consider yourself On Notice, Hollyoaks.

So who else do I feel such affinity for? Well, Gina and Smithy on The Bill, unquestionably. The cast of The Bill aren't quite the unremitting bores that the cast of Hollyoaks, in general, are, but they are all samey these days: young, attractive, inoffensive to eye, ear or sensibilities. Tony is looking more and more out of place, where once he was perfectly at home amongst the Junes and Jims of the world. With Reg now on the way out too, Roger is basically the only other old guard left: even though he's a recent addition he would have fitted in nicely in what I presume ITV would call The Old Bill, as though there's something wrong with that. When I was 12 and up I freaking loved The Old Bill.

I still watch The New Bill, but there's only so much of the Tiffanys and Ambers and Honeys and Kezias I can take. I know half of those have left, but I can't remember the new ones' names. (I really am not senile, by the way, I just don't care. I'm a bit like that with ER too. I know they'll be leaving in a couple of months, so what's the point in learning their names?) Well, anyway, Smithy and Gina, individually and together, are the best damn things in The Bill.

Smithy - not brilliant, not handsome, has a positively magnetic attraction to tragedy, but a sturdy, trustworthy character who you love simply because he's just being nice and normal in the un-nice and crazy world of Sun Hill. Gina - terrifying boss, in-control lady, soft at heart when it suits, cuts the not inconsiderable crap. Their chemistry together sizzles. I think it's because they're the only sane ones in the station. I know they try and pass the magnetism off as maternal, but lets face it: if the age difference was the other way around - if Gina was in her 30s and Smithy was in his 50s - they would have jumped into bed years ago. I spend most of their scenes together wishing they would, but then I remember that Smithy has had 3 girlfriends in the last four or five years killed, so perhaps Gina's better off leaving it at the sizzling.

No matter how much their mutual love-in warms the cockles (and it does), I'm more warmed by the glow of normality and reality that they give off. It's not often such warmth is real, and is allowed to make narrative sense. And without making either of them do stupid things or say stupid things or generally annoy me as most romance storylines do - they love each other as normal people would. Bottom line- if either of them leave, I'm going right with them. You hear that Thames TalkBack? GONE!

The others that spring to mind are: Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica. If any woman could turn me, I think Katee Sackhoff is she, mainly because she's so damn luminous it's incredible. But apart from the actress' physical appearance, Starbuck is so utterly batshit that she personally makes me feel a lot better in relation to my own at-times unpredictable behaviour. I actually spilt some tea shouting for joy when Starbuck turned up again. She's likely Cylonised, I expect, but frankly I think we should have an international day of jubilation if it turns out there's hundreds of Starbucks, because that'd be awesome. And I'm not talking coffee shops.

So yeah - the others I like because they're normal, Starbuck I like because she's totally mental, in fact, as crazy as surely we all are at heart but somehow manage to hide. Maybe it's the claustrophobia that's flicked her switch, but whatever's happened she's off the page. Still, you can totally see why everyone, even Tigh who doesn't like her, is completely under her spell. I don't know why she's under Apollo's, unless it's purely animal which with Starbuck, is more than possible. Fly on, Starbuck. You're fab.

And Giles from Buffy. I mean early Giles, before the character assasination and the abandonment. In fact, all Buffy for me is pre-nuts Willow (note: Willow is not fantastically nuts as Starbuck, she's annoyingly nuts as Britney Spears). Giles: the weirdly attractive father figure that gave every impressionable young girl a daddy issue whether she wanted one or not. I remember with such fondness him kicking the shit out of Angel by taking a fiery torch to him . I quite liked Cordelia too, but that was less about her character and more for her superb smackdowns.

Of course, there was a late, lamented time on Buffy when actually all the main characters were All Right, even Angel in his blockheaded way. I call those days Before Spike. But even amidst the cockeyed charm of Xander, the fragile brittleness of Cordelia, the adorable Oz, the hysterical-not-in-a-good-way Willow and the annoying-but-with-good-reason Buffy, Giles shone. He ran the whole thing by bringing out the best in the characters, especially in the early days when Buffy and Xander in particular had brattish tendencies. He and Buffy's relationship was adorably wholesome, given that poor old Buffy had a hell of a difficult life and her universe was increasingly dark and unpleasant (and boring to watch). So yeah - Giles is a hero to me.

But, as the Dixie Chicks would say, tonight the heartache's on me, because OB is still going, and that still suhhhhhks.

Misery Loves Company: Hollyoaks

Watching the Hollyoaks omnibus while nursing a hangover is a tradition of mine stretching back to before I legally should have been drinking anything hangover-inducing, but this morning I felt I had broken through the fourth wall. Lying in bed, eating toast and drinking tea and generally combatting a ruthless hangover which I think demonstrates encroaching age, everyone on screen seemed to be suffering as grievously as me. Let's see: Mike, Zoe, Sarah, all the McQueens but especially Michaela, Fletch, Sasha and Russ were all incapacitated at some point or another. Sasha in particular looked like a reflection of my ill self as she crawled from lying to sitting positions. When she complained that people thought they looked like druggies on account of their trashed next-morning appearance, Fletch replied: "Isn't everyone? Out of it is a normal look." To which I say: apparently so.

In other news - Summer, step away from OB. It's lovely you can sing, it's lovely that your borderline obsessive stalking of Andrew Lloyd Webber paid off, it's all lovely, but you pop OB on the next bus to Chester, or else I won't be responsible for my actions. Don't mess with me today, girl, I promise you my head is more than sore. You may get the part, but you don't get the boy. End of.

When Editors Go Bad: Miami Vice - The Maze

Sonny and Tubbs are out for dinner with two other cops. Is this like wife-swapping? They're bantering good-naturedly, so you know someone is about to die. Rico and Sonny advocate cleaning up Miami by neighbourhood watch schemes, promoting small businesses, and instilling pride in the locals - Rico says pride goes a long way. Wait, this is Miami Vice, isn't it? Yes, it is, there are a gang of young men chucking stuff through windows and beating up hapless passers-by. All four cops take off after them, one of them gets shot. Is it Sonny or Rico? What do you think?


Sonny hilariously moseys down an arcade - possibly the only pastel-shaded arcade in the USA - trying to look a competant cop in all-white suit. Oh, Sonny. His hair doesn't move at all, which is probably why Rico manages to stop himself from accidentally shooting him when he wanders straight into his shotline. That hair is a force of nature. But the brain under it is clearly not fully functional. Anyway, Dickie is dead. Poor Dickie. Who? Exactly. We go to credits not caring, but wondering what hairspray Sonny uses. I can only think it's the same as Rachel on Friends.

Sonny instills pride in the neighbourhood by badgering people for the gang responsible, the Escobars. He grabs a kid who is skating down the street, he tries to pay off a street seller. A dodgy disco. Damn, I love the seedy glamour of Miami Vice. Seriously, I do. If I could move to the Miami of this show, I would. As it is, I just watch it and play Vice City. I digress. Sonny and Rico work on one of their snitches. Sonny pours water on the guy's shoes - can you imagine the terrible wrath that would descend if someone did that to him? What a git. The guy hides in the loos, Sonny suggests flushing him out. Rico is disgusted. I hope Don Johnson sued his plastic surgeon, his eye tuck is hideous. Did he really need an eye tuck in 1984? I've seen the posters for Guys and Dolls, he needs one now. Anyway, the guy says the Escobars are in 'the Maze' which is a labrynth and they'll need an army. What are the chances that actually all they need are Sonny and Rico?

The Comic Relief Cops are despatched by Sonny to get blueprints. What are they, his PAs? I bet everyone really hates Sonny. They get them, because they do their jobs. The Maze is a big derelict apartment block, with a few squatters. It's right on the seafront. It must be worth a fortune now. Durriere, the dead Dickie's partner, decides the best way to avoid hurting the squatters is to "kick in the door and tell them to duck." Sonny is morally offended by this - please remember this when he essentially kicks in doors and tells people to duck every other week. Castillo wants to send someone who "speaks [the squatters'] language". Rico is drawing a picture, so fails to notice that everyone is staring at him. Sonny smiles at him proudly. Aw.

We are treated to Rico's Jamaican accent again. I don't have any family or close friends who are Jamaican, so I don't know how good his accent is. I'm thinking it probably isn't, but what do I know? Anyway, in he goes and then Durriere decides to storm the building single-handedly and so all the armed cops weigh in and waddya know, we have a hostage situation. These are some crap cops, to be honest.

Weirdly, Sonny's wearing dark blue - not pastel. It looks so wrong. Durriere sort of non-apologises to Sonny. Sonny accuses Durriere of trying to lose him his partner. Sonny says Tubbs has a gun. Sonny stares out the window. I wonder how an episode about Rico being taken hostage has turned into an episode about Sonny. Sonny tells Castillo that he's worried about Rico - really? I wouldn't have guessed. I'm glad you told us. He's wearing a white jacket now, so the Earth isn't about to plunge from its axis. Castillo really doesn't seem to care about Rico, which is amusing. Sonny complains that four hours isn't very long...which it isn't, unless you spend it watching Miami Vice, but what's the relevance?


The Escobars annouce the cops have four hours to deliver a helicoptor and some cash. Sonny sure is good. That, or the editor can't edit for shit. Rico manages to calm tensions between an Hispanic and a Carribbean family. Unfortunately, he doesn't manage to stop the kidnappers shooting a man who protested at the idea of his sister being raped - he was being most unreasonable, apparently. Rico ends up being tied up. Oh, Rico.


The cops are going to bait the Escobars to the roof with a helicoptor, to avoid a bloodbath. Sonny decides to go inside and find out where they're being held in the building. Um, okay. Two questions: why? and why him? If you're baiting them to the roof, it's because you THEN will know where they all are. Why Sonny - I don't know. He finds them effortlessly, and then joins in the storming of the building, protected only by a natty suit, unlike the booted and suited armed cops. There's such a fine line between bravery and stupidity, I wish someone would tell Sonny where it is.

Meanwhile, the Escobars take all the hostages to the roof because they're dumber than Sonny. They leave Rico behind with the youngest Escobar. "Him we maybe kill," says boss Escobar. Right ho. So you go up to the helicoptor, you release all your hostages, then you go back into the building, shoot Rico, collect baby brother and go back to the helicoptor? Most illogical, captain. Shoot him now, if you're going to do it.


While Sonny and friends shoot a couple of Escobars and rescue the pretty girl, Rico liberates the gun Sonny told us about earlier and holds up cuddly Escobar, who looks flummoxed. Mate, you're screwed. You got owned by Rico, dumbass. Weirdly, Rico and Sonny are suddenly together on the roof, firing away like old days. Whuh? Christ, the editing in this episode is shocking. Anyway, it finishes with Sonny and Rico approaching each other on a sunlit roof, silently. It's very romantic.

The WHAT Ships?: Hornblower - The Examination for Lieutenant

I am reliably informed that in the United States, this episode is called "The Fire Ships". Which is admittedly a much better title and fits the series by way of being both bombastic and utterly nonsensical. However the British title, though mundane, has clarity on its side. If it's fire ships you are after, prepare yourself for disappointment - there's only two, and you barely see one. If it's stressing about examinations you want, you are in the right place.

We are off Cadiz. We don't like the Spanish much. Clear? Good, then. We kick off with a Spanish captain turning up on the Indie. To Pellew's annoyance, Horatio doesn't speak Spanish, but fortunately he speaks French. Clearly, Pellew doesn't speak either, so, shut up Pellew. Turns out, the Spanish have made peace with France. Pellew gets more and more confused, but it transpires that they have 6 hours before the Spanish starts firing. This sends Pellew literally speechless with anger, so Horatio makes shit up to the Spanish captain that Pellew might want to say. "Get him over the side," Pellew growls, as his contribution to international diplomacy.

Meanwhile, Denis Lawson, in crazed mode which he does so fabulously (love you, Denis! Esther should've chosen you!) assumes command of a supply ship that he was a passenger on, and decides to take on a Spanish frigate rather than run away from it. They sink. Nice one, Denis. The rest of the crew are, understandably, fucked off. Denis stabs one of them. Morale is not improved.

The Indie comes across ol'Denis. Pellew, looking through the eyeglass, gloats "goodness gracious." No one can handle sarcasm, or an eyeglass, like Pellew. Denis is Captain Foster. "Dreadnaught Foster?" Horatio goggles like a fanboy. Pellew doesn't care for overblown titles. That's just coz he doesn't hear what I call him. Pellew the Magnificent. Anyway, Pellew greets Denis on a deck flooded with beautiful summer evening sunlight. Robert Lindsay is channelling his inner Bill Nighy as he twitches and stutters all over the place through irritation. He offers Denis some old clothes and invites him to dinner. This takes about twenty minutes.

Mr Bracegirdle tells Horatio that Pellew thinks Denis is reckless. Horatio thinks he's a legend. Oo-er. At dinner, Denis explains he was on his way to Gibralter when he decided to take on the Spanish. He's chuffed that the cargo didn't get to Spain. Horatio gazes at him adoringly. Pellew asks how many crew died. Denis says he didn't have time for "arithmatic." Horatio smiles, Pellew sees and I've said it once and I'll say it again: Oo-ER. Denis asks if Pellew would have surrendered, Pellew dodges the question, so he asks Horatio. Horatio, entirely failing to spot the flashing neon DANGER!DANGER! sign above the table, says he's glad the Spanish didn't get the cargo. Pellew looks genuinely shocked for a second. Horatio sees it, and suddenly looks terribly guilty. Pellew excuses himself, Horatio watches him go, troubled. I have to say both Ioan Gruffudd and Robert Lindsay were awesome in that scene - the Horatio/Pellew relationship is the heart and soul of this show. And Denis was enjoying his ham, too.

The relative subtlety of the dinner scene gives way to the more regular histrionic style, as we go to the deck, where Horatio and Pellew share an All My Children moment as Pellew walks away, and Horatio apologises for any offence. Horatio talks to Pellew's back, looking small, and Pellew's voice breaks. Isn't it hard when your children grow up?

Even as he's disembarking at Gibralter, Denis is causing a ruckus by telling Horatio he should enter for the Lieutenant exam, even though that's Pellew's decision. Pellew all but drags him off the ship. Mr Bracegirdle, noticing the competition for paternal love triangle developing, informs Horatio to watch out for the "great" Denis. "Such greatness always has its price." In this case, sanity. And did Bracegirdle just call Pellew average?

In the saddest scene in the film, Pellew shoves Horatio in for the Lieutenant's exam. Clearly he didn't really think him ready, he's only doing it to keep his admiration, and he advises him to study in all his spare time. Horatio instantly becomes a brat with his men, because he just wants to study. Pellew comes across him, as Horatio moans he was just trying to find somewhere quiet to study. Pellew, amazingly, seems to think this was a fuck off to him, and Horatio begs him to stay. Completely bizarre. Because of Denis' stupid attack, they have to half rations. Pellew shoots him a "Ya SEE?" look that Horatio fully appreciates, and moseys off, his work done. Pellew the Magnificently Passive Aggressive, I think. Horatio looks rueful.

The men grumble about the half rations, as you would. Horatio gets brattish again because he wants to study rather than listen to them sing, which doesn't improve the men's moods. They sing even louder. Can't blame em. Bracegirdle advises Horatio to buck up his ideas about being a lieutenant: it's either the singing or weeping. In other words: cram it, boy.

The half rations take their toll. Finch, one of Horatio's men, coughs, which is usually an omen of death in period dramas. Another Surly Sailor casts mutinous glances around the ship. Dearie me. Finch tumbles off the rigging. "Is he all right?" wonders Horatio. Likely NOT. Horatio bitches to Bracegirdle that they shouldn't be sitting around doing nothing: "we should be out tehre following Denis' example!" I can only think Horatio is on drugs, and Bracegirdle thinks so too and boots him out of the room. Horatio looks unrepentent. What a dick.

He goes to annoy Finch in the sickbay. "You'll make it through," lies Horatio. Matthews advises to keep Finch awake ("I don't know that he'll make it," he says, proving conclusively that he's a thousand times smarter than Horatio). Horatio, thinking that Finch isn't suffering enough, makes him test him for his lietenatcy exam. ASSHOLE! "Come on man! Clear your mind! Ask me a question!" he shouts. Horatio, I hate you right now. Finch says he doesn't need a book to test him, hilariously. Get the burns in, even on your deathbed. Quite right.

On deck, a supply ship has been spotted. Even the Surly Sailor is happy. Poor ailing Finch is teaching Horatio to tie knots. When Horatio bounds off to see the supply ship, Finch takes his opportunity and dies as the Surly Sailor looks on. Meanwhile, Pellew and Bracegirdle watch as a Spanish fire ship (an empty ship on fire) explodes the supply ship. Pellew closes his eyes in disbelief. My heart, it aches for you. The cheering stops abruptly.

In the officers mess, they complain that the Spanish are too good at the English fire ship tactic. Horatio, feeling he hasn't been nearly sanctimonious enough this episode, wordlessly takes a lump of bread, whereupon he both talks to and tries to feed a decidedly dead Finch, as the Surly Sailor weeps and looks surly simultaneously. They auction Finch's stuff for his widow, the Surly Sailor offers a week's pay and then throws them overboard. Matthews expalins that Finch helped the Surly Sailor settle down when he first joined, which is why he's upset. "I see," says Horatio, "it's a bit like me and Archie, then, except I'm not in the least bothered that I think he's dead. But when he turns up again, I promise I'll make up for it."

Pellew annoucnes they're off to Iran, and are going to have a Taplow onboard, from the Diplomatic Service. Tapping looks like a Punch cartoon character, and is as annoying. Meanwhile, the Surly Sailor tells Matthews that the officers have full stores and are taking food from the men. Horatio tries to snap him into shape, and wears horrible eyeshadow. "There is no excuse for mutinous talk," says Horatio, "until I talk it in a couple of years." The talking to has no effect, because Surly goes on to steal from stores. Horatio finds him there crying. "I'm hungry," he sobs. Aren't they all?

Surly rapidly loses his appetite as Pellew roars at him. Robert Lindsay can operate at decibals I didn't know humans could reach. Pellew says Surly must run the gauntlet. Horatio gallently and stupidly tries to take the blame - I really hate Horatio in this episode. So does Pellew, I think, because he orders Horatio to lead him through. It must be noted that while the crew starve, Robert Lindsay must have been jealous of Denis before, because he just treated himself to some lovely ham. Horatio looks like he didn't quite expect that. HAH!

The gauntlet really doesn't look nearly as bad as flogging, but Horatio looks revolted anyway, and Surly bleeds but generally takes it reasonably well. Pellew promises the next thief will hang. Horatio takes to his bunk and sulks.

Next day, Horatio takes a boat ashore to get supplies from some alleged Moors, who could not be more Cacuasian. Anyway, Surly has stowed away to desert, to Horatio's irritation. Horatio wears a fetching straw hat for the occasion. Horatio and Taplow watch as a rat, shortly followed by a human, drops dead. This is the lamest shorthand for "plague" I have ever seen. They trade (including getting live cows), despite the sneezing and groaning issuing from the supposed Moors. "What's happening here?" asks Horatio, as three different Moors collapse in front of him. Luckily, Taplow isn't as daft. "Black death." D'OH! Horatio and co retreat to boat, presumably feeling as stupid as they are.

Taplow explains that they aren't allowed back on ship for 3 weeks. "Have you seen 9 out of 10 men die of putrid fevers?" He has. Horatio, troubled, sails back to close to the Indie and shouts for the Captain. He explains. "They're already dead," murmurs Bowles. Pellew shouts him down, then politely asks Horatio to keep his boat leeward. Heh. Pellew's in quite a state, which is adorable. He pretends his worried for the supplies. Bowles says they'll all be dead in a week, which proves that Bowles knows shit about Horatio. Pellew says they and the supplies can stay on the Caroline until their quarantine is up. Horatio, making up for the last hour of annoyance with a moment of absolute sweetness, asks for his books to study. Pellew's voice breaks as he says "I hope...I hope you find time to study them." In other words, I hope I'm wrong and I see you again because frankly, I think you're fucked. They touch their hats and Pellew walks away.

As they try and sort out the cows and so on, one of the men calls Horatio "captain" and a brief smile crosses his face. Aw. He thanks all the men for their efforts, even Surly, although Surly is later put in chains. Horatio lets him out, saying he'll speak for him at his trial. "Each of us can find a maggot in our past that can easily devour our futures," he says, almost making sense.

Rousing music tells us that Horatio and his crew of the damned are having a jolly fine time as they sail spectacularly out to sea. Horatio, meanwhile, sits in his cabin and in the time-honoured tradition of revisers, stares at his desk. They are still making for Gibratler. Horatio orders a bullock to be slaughtered. In celebration of the imminent feast, he briefly becomes Welsh. Meanwhile, on the Indie, Pellew is eating maggot-ridden bread. His face says, the Black Death would be better than this.

Horatio stares at his desk some more. Taplow interrupts to say that the first crewman has got the plague. Turns out, he's just drunk. This is such an exciting show! Horatio stares at his desk - again. This time it's the cows that disturb him. There's still a week of the quarantine left, but only 3 days water. They go ashore to find water, only to have quick scuffle with the Spanish during which Surly runs off again. Horatio shoots him. Naturally, Horatio is the victim here.

They get back to the boat, to find Denis and the Dreadnaught stealing their cows. Horatio is so mad he starts firing warning shots. Denis is totally unrepentent, and says he'll take them by force if necessary. Horatio is all, dude, if you kill the Navy it's totally your fault. Denis looks slightly chagrined, ,but still takes the cows. All in all, not a great day for Horatio.

Taplow takes over Pellew's job of telling Horatio he's awesome, but Horatio thinks Pellew would have found a way to save Surly. I really, really don't think he would have. "I fear I must question my readiness for command," he says. I don't see why he must based on that particular experience, but any kind of humility from Horatio is so damn welcome, that I don't care.


All the Indie cheer as they approach, free from plague. Pellew's so happy he even smiles. In the cabin, Pellew comforts Horatio saying Surly chose to cut himself adrift. He says they lived because of him. Pellew, still in Bill Nighy mode, says the examination is the next day. He tells Horatio the fresh beef was a waste and bitches at him, Horatio kind of grins. "Good to have you back on board," says Pellew. Aw.

Horatio can't find a shirt for his exam, Bracegirdle helps. The exam is painful, Horatio totally flunks (not least because Denis is on the board), but halfway through - bang! There's a general alarm. Denis looks through an eyeglass but it's Horatio who spots it - a fireship. The three captains and Horatio leap into a rowing boat to get back to their ships. They're sweetly concerned. Horatio realises it's heading for the Indie. Horatio and Denis decide to get on board to steer her away from the Indie. The other two captains think they're insane. For the record, I agree.

Much bravery occurs with the steering away amidst fire that I really can't be bothered to watch at this point so I make some toast and marmite. Long story short, Horatio saves Denis' life, as well as the Indie. In the rowboat, the captains argue like leeetle girls. Back on the Indie, Pellew thanks Horatio. "My men owe you their lives, and I owe you my ship," he says. Yep, pretty much. Still failed your exam, thought, didntja? Pellew gets snotty about it, but says Horatio has tasted command and will be better prepared next time. "It has been an honour to serve with you," says Pellew. "And with you," says Horatio, as near tears as we have ever seen him.

We leave Horatio hugging a rope on deck, looking smug. "I'm just thinking of the distances we travel," he says. "Yet how far we still have to sail as men."

I'm just thinking of how utterly unbearable you would be to know, yet how I am going to watch the rest of the series anyway. Horatio definately needs a friend-figure to alleviate the general aura of perfection that wafts around him.

The Fish is Wired! - Torchwood: Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang

In an effort to prove to us all that this year is the year Torchwood has grown up, we begin with our heroes involved in a car chase with a gun-wielding fish. Jack isn't there, because he's off getting jiggy with John Simm and David Tennant at this point. The fish holds some poor woman at gun point, and correctly identifies Owen as "The doctor with his hands full of blood", Gwen as "the carer with her oh-so-beating heart" (I love that Gwen's attribute is merely a sign of life, and not actually anything special), Tosh as the "technician" and Ianto as "The office boy promoted beyond his measure" which is...true, actually, but massively cruel since Ianto is the only character on this godforsaken show I like (apart from Rhys, whose barely in it). Anyway, the fish goads Ianto about shooting him, the fish gets shot and Ianto hilariously stares at his gun in astonishment. It's not him that fired, though, it was Jack, who has appeared behind them. Sigh. And so it begins.

My question is - why aren't they still in the Himalayas, like we were promised on Doctor Who?

Whatever. Back at the Hub, Jack's easily impressed by the gang's nonsensical orders to one another. Gwen shoves him and bitches him out for leaving them. "We knew nothing!" she shrills. Took the words right out of my mouth. Jack explains he was with the Doctor, and Ianto asks sadly if Jack's going back to him. "I came back for you...all of you," he says. Which is the first, but not the last, time Jack fucks with Ianto's feelings today.

On a rooftop somewhere in Cardiff, in a carpark, I think, Spike from Buffy emerges from a rift. I hated Spike passionately, despite the brilliant: "Taking. A. Walk....Bitch," moment. Spike and Torchwood combining is like Event Horizon for my TV bile. Anyway, he interrupts a mugger whose attacking some hapless passerby. Spike suggests he should leave him alone, and the mugger says "I'm not bluffing!" except I thought he said, "I'm not Buffy!" which made me laugh. But was imaginary. As is often the case with things that make me laugh on Torchwood. Spike throws the mugger off the roof. "I...was never here," he tells the passerby. Would that were true.

Spike wanders into a bar, and tells all the ugly chicks to leave. He then produces a gun, and everyone clears out, pretty or not. Whatever. I hate you, Spike. At least his accent's less offensive here.

The Torchwood gang are blathering over the corpse of the mugger, where they ascertain he fell from the roof. Like, no shit. There's a weird blocking moment where Gwen steps backwards and nearly falls over Jack. Bizarre. Gwen thanks Andy, the cop, for letting them in the crime scene, and they have a little banter about whether it's "spooky." As Gwen leaves, Andy bitches: "Thank you, Andy. You're welcome, Gwen," even though Gwen thanked him about ten seconds earlier. You know what would be great? I've got used to Torchwood having zero script continuity from one episode to the next, but it would be fab if we could have script continuity WITHIN THE SAME SCENE.

Jack's wristwatch does an R2D2 and reveals a message from Spike. It really is a ripoff from Star Wars, which will be acknowledged but still doesn't make it right. Spike admits the crime scene was all him, to bill him from the cleanup, and tells Jack to meet him at the coordinates given for a drink. "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!" he Princess-Leias. It's quite funny in a lazy sort of a way. Jack bolts, taking the car and ordering the gang not to follow him. Tosh announces she can track him, and Ianto grabs a taxi. Tosh's Gadget-For-All-Seasons is annoying me. Did she have it in the first series?

Jack and Spike meet, kiss and fight. It's boring. And set to Song 2 - why choose a song that's ten years old? Don't get it. Meanwhile, the gang are on their way, bitching about how Jack keeps everything for them. "More fun when he's around," remarks Ianto, and they all agree. It's more fun when you're around, Ianto.

Jack and Spike, it's revealed, are exactly alike. They drink together. They're both Time Agents, but the Time Agency has been shut down, Spike says, there's only 7 agents left. Christ, we've just been through all of this with the Doctor and the Master. Russell T Davis, if you're that short of inspiration, stop creating spin-offs, okay? The gang show up. Spike asks what the team name is. Torchwood. "Not Excalibur?" he says. No, because this isn't SG-1. Unfortunately. (It's not often I say THAT.) "We were partners," explains Spike. "In what way?" demands Ianto, immediately. Like, Ianto, too needy, mmkay? "Every way," oozes Spike, and they bicker about who was the wife. Jack was totally the wife. They also bicker over the size of their wristwatches, which is almost exactly the same as the banter the Doctor and the Master had over their laser and sonic screwdrivers. Meh.

Spike reels off some story about a dying woman who was working on radioactive clusterbombs, which are now in Cardiff about to radiate all over everyone. It doesn't make any sense, but then it's a lie, and it's Torchwood, so it doesn't matter. Back at the Hub, Tosh as found the bombs' locations. If it weren't for Tosh, they would be dead seven different ways every week.

Profoundly odd scene, in which Jack comes on strong to Gwen, saying he belongs back with her, then finds out she's engaged to Rhys (poor Rhys!) and acts incredibly sketchy. Firstly - ew. Gwen. Secondly - are we meant to think there's something between them? What about Ianto? Christ, Gwen and Jack deserve each other, the hos. Yeuch. Gwen goggles at him, like, you weren't here, and I'm like, What. The. Fuck?

Group meeting where Gwen decides that Gwen and Spike, Owen and Tosh and Jack and Ianto are going to go find the three capsules in three teams, as splitting up always works out splendidly. Jack gets dickish with Gwen over giving orders, before telling her to a) don't believe Spike b) keep Spike in front of her c) don't let him kiss her. Gwen gets shirty at this last one, even though she's copped off with every male character on this series apart from Ianto, whose gay. So shut up Gwen, you cheap bitch.

Gwen and Spike are in a container yard. Rhys rings to say he's got a new job, it's of no consequence apart from Rhys is such a sweet character. Long story short: Gwen a)believes Spike that Jack is a sketchy character, b) lets him go into a container behind her and c), lets him kiss her. Nice one, genius. Naturally it turns out Spike has paralysing lip gloss on, which means in 2hrs her organs will shut down. He locks her in and throws away her phone. Well played, Spike, well played. I haven't been this pleased with you since you thumped Buffy. Couldn't you have got a faster-acting lipgloss, is my only question.

Owen and Tosh are in a scrapyard someplace. Cardiff, presumably. They have a strange conversation about they're both looking for a woman who understands them or something. Not in the scrapyard, in general. Whatever. Owen is less vile than last series, is all I can say. Spike shows up and shoots Owen. I'm beginning to think Spike is a fictional manifestation of myself.

Jack and Ianto are in an office. Jack is his annoying self talking about shagging in an office - I don't know. Ianto is all, "shut up. The thingy is either in the office or on the roof." Essentially. Jack looks at him and asks as sincerely as Jack can: "How are you, Ianto?" Ianto: "All the better for having you back, sir." He says this briskly, not looking at Jack and sort of vaguely opening drawers. Jack asks if they can "drop the sir." Jack says that while he was away he was wondering if Ianto would go out for dinner and movie with him. I have difficulty believing Ianto even crossed Jack's mind. Ianto wonders if Jack's asking him on a date, Jack asks if Ianto's interested. Ianto: "Only if it's not in an office." Fair enough, I think. He says he'll check out this floor, and Jack should go on the roof. Again with the splitting up! Ianto wonders why they're helping Spike, and Jack says Spike's a reminder of his past, and he wants him gone. He asks if "that was a yes." Ianto snaps irritably, "Yes. Yes." Jack grins and leaves. Aw. They are sweet when they're together.

Spike shows up and boots Ianto at gunpoint into a lift, telling him to go and save the other gang. It would've been a lot more interesting to see Jack see that, but he doesn't. Spike calls Ianto "eye-candy." Why is everyone so mean to Ianto? Spike says that "the only consolation is money." What the fuck ever.

As Ianto zooms off to save his worthless colleagues, Spike surprises Jack on the roof with: "Rear of the Year, 1594. Still looking good." I really hate these stupid jokes. Write a decent script, and you don't need them. Spike wants the third and final cannister. Jack's all "if you've harmed Ianto..." Spike: "He's pretty but stupid. You used to have better taste." Jack: "Doesn't look like it from here." Woohoo! That's a goal! Spike just wants Jack to join him in the old routine, and blathers on about sparkling planets or some such shit. Jack doesn't see why he'd want that when he has Cardiff. Um. Jack chucks the cannister off the roof, so Spike chucks Jack off the roof. Jack lands incredibly painfully, back bent over a bench. OUCH! Even though it's Jack - still OUCH!

Ianto goes firstly to Owen and Tosh, which is an odd choice given that he knows Gwen's by herself and given that he's shot Owen himself in his time. Owen, sadly, is pretty much fine again. They all clear off to find Gwen and after much running around, do so (again, with Tosh's absurd Gadget). I'm quite disappointed. They identify the poison with a nifty laptop that I hope, but doubt, is available to NHS hospitals.

Anyway, back at the Hub, turns out the dead Fish has a pyramidy thing that Spike is after in his pocket. Wouldn't Torchwood have emptied its pockets? Whatever. The gang's here, to Spike's surprise: "Pretty and resilient." Spike must have wonky eyes, because only Ianto's pretty, though. Well, and Tosh. Gwen and Owen are odd-looking. What really stuns Spike is Jack showing up. "Now that's impressive," he quavers. It's nice to see a genuine emotion on the show. Jack explains he can't die. Spike's like, no really, and Jack's like, really. Jack has really good teeth as he says FOR THE THIRD TIME that he came back from the people. GOT IT!

Turns out the cannisters contain things that put together will tell him where a diamond is. Erm. Kay. Is it nearly over? Yes. Turns out the dying woman was dying because Spike shot her, and he wants to find the diamond. Spike suggests a 50/50 split, or, randomly, an orgy. He looks directly at Ianto who considers it for a second. It would be funny if it weren't so odd. Spike puts the thingys together (I'm not being deliberately obscure. It really is this weird), and a little hologram of the woman shows up. A bomb attaches itself to Spike, as the DNA of the person who kills her, and will go off in 10 minutes. There's no diamond. Spike handcuffs himself to Gwen. I would be a LOT more worried about this if it were Ianto. Instead, the explosion of Spike and Gwen sounds like Christmas and birthday in one.

Gwen volunteers to take Spike through the rift and explode together and - is this a Christmas special, because that would be AWESOME. Dead AND in a different reality! That's one better than Rose! Anyway, Spike's being annoying in a Torchwood-kind-of-way by hitting on poodles (no, really) as they shoot off towards the carpark where the rift is. Lots of carpark action this episode. Owen and Jack are back in the Hub doing something scientific. Back at the Rift, Ianto is counting down the seconds. Gwen marches them towards the Rift, trying to leave a coherent message for Jack and failing. Jack shows up and injects Spike with blood that alters his DNA, and I am so bored now. The bomb goes off through the rift, and suddenly its night. Brilliantly, for a second, I thought it was a continunity error, but actually they've gone back in time to the beginning of the night.

Spike unlocks himself from Gwen, sensibly. Jack sends Spike packing. Spike kisses Jack, right there in front of Ianto. What a shitty day Ianto has had. The gang are all standing behind Jack in formation, it looks like a promo pic. "By the way," says Spike, as he vanishes through the Rift. "I found Grey." Jack boggles, and flashes back to two hands letting go of each other. "Who's Grey?" asks Gwen. You are, for one, Gwen. Sorry, too easy. Like Gwen! Sorry! Right, moving along.

"It's nothing," says Jack, and they all start walking towards the camera, still in formation, like a flock of well-dressed seagulls. Heh.

Coming Up: Richard Briers, I think. But more importantly - MARTHA JONES! Soon, I hope, because she's the only one can save this for me. Equally excitingly - Ianto kisses Jack! I'm still gutted they didn't sort their act out this episode. Also, Jim from Neighbours/Bradford from Ugly Betty! And the guy that fell overboard in Master and Commander. So, happy days.

All in all - not as painful as previously feared. But the seaside postcard humour can be checked at the door next time in return for some well-judged burns and relationship continuity. Please!