Turning all you touch to lead

It's hard not to feel sorry for ITV as far as drama goes. It's not been a great few months.


Firstly, the attempt at marrying two popular previous programmes Bad Girls and The X-Factor, Rock Rivals, was a total, embarrassing and unimaginative disaster. Then they cancelled Foyle's War, a hugely popular series, while in full flow for reasons beyond understanding. This decision was followed by the premiere of The Fixer from Kudos, company behind the likes of Spooks, Life on Mars and Hustle (and Bonekickers, but this was before that catastrophe), which was strangely subdued and mostly uninvolving (although, thankfully for ITV, somehow earned a second series). A valiant attempt to update the period drama, Lost in Austen, didn't work through being bloated and poorly paced and, er, just not that good. And now Demons, from the makers of the successful Merlin was their answer to that show but more specifically Doctor Who. It even starred current hotshot Phillip Glenister. What could go wrong? Everything.

1) The Accents. Philip Glenister cannot do an American accent. Moreover - why should he? You want to appeal to American audiences, get an American. I could tell that accent sucked fifteen seconds after he began talking, did no one notice through the rehearsal stage? And why is everyone northern when it is set in London?

2) The Mythology. What are half-lives and inhumans? How do you grade them, and why do you? Why did you keep saying 'smite'? What happens to them after they are smited? From where do they come, where do they go, and what precisely do they do and why?

3) The Scripts. The gang do nothing but create problems for themselves, notably by leaving anyone identified as potentially vulnerable alone. They just aren't very good at their jobs. Why not just employ Mina as a double agent? Why not just open that grid and not drown? Why not just drag Mina out of the sewer and let the bomb explode? Why? Why? Why?

4) The Clothes. The girls dress like charity shop rejects and Luke dresses like he shops in Miss Selfridge.

4) Ruby. That is all.

The usual ITV thing. It looked cheap. It was flat. The characters were cold. What is the answer? There isn't really one. ITV lacks class. I don't know why. One of the great mysteries of British broadcasting today, if you ask me. Kudos and Shine can do class. ITV can't. Baffling.

Is there such a thing as an anti-Midas touch? Because ITV has it in spades.